Happy New Year!

I hope that you have all been having a wonderful time getting over the holidays and trying to set goals and habits and rituals, instead of just resolutions that we'll give up on by March (if not February).

Robbie and I made it to the second tool in the tool box:

The Calm Voice

And boy did I need that lesson at that time.

I think that day was one of the worst yelling days of my life.

Riley was doing what daughters do best, 

make it possible for Nana's to say "that's exactly how you behaved".

It was not pretty.

I don't know how many times I've taught her how to fold her clothes, and I'd had it. I wasn't going to tell her again how to do it, she needed to remember. I was beyond done. I should have just walked away and thrown all her clothes in a garbage bag until she decided she was ready...but I couldn't let it go. 

I yelled. So bad. 

I hated myself for it. 

And then that night we had the lesson on The Calm Voice.

So on top of 1 on 1 time, we've been trying really hard not to yell. 

And like 1 on 1 time, some days we are more successful than others.

Amy really wanted us to understand what it felt like to be yelled at, so she made us imagine we were small like our children. How would you feel if an all knowing and capable giant was making you feel like crap? You'd feel pretty crummy, and not want to listen to said giant. Hence the power struggles. 

Some days are better than others.

For example, today has been a pretty darn good day. I was able to get my butt out of bed (which I know for many of you may not be such an amazing feat of strength, but it is for me) and help my kids get out the door on time. I got home and was able to finish the chore I wanted to do before volunteering in Jacob's class. I had 15 minutes to spare, so I decided to take some time to meditate. I read the talk True Disciples of the Savior, and I came across something that really helped me.

"Giving our all doesn’t mean that we will be continually enveloped in blessings or always have success. But it does mean that we will have joy. Joy is not fleeting pleasure or even temporary happiness. Joy is enduring and is founded on our efforts being accepted by the Lord."

He talked about fair dinkum, which is slang for genuine, and being fully committed. Doing your best gives you the most joy.

How can I do my best when I'm not doing my best? 

How can I have success when I feel like I'm failing at everything?

What if I'm having a bad day with my depression? What if my anxiety is making my whole life go on the fritz? What if I mess up and I yell, or can not do one on one time because it feels like it just may literally kill me?

My friend told me what her therapist said. You're not always going to be at 100%. Sometimes you're going to be at 90%, or 75%, and on really bad days you'll be under 50%. But you can give 100% of whatever percentage you're at. You have to be self aware, to know your limits, to mess up and to keep trying.

If you can do your best, the best with what you have for that day, 

then that is good enough for God...

and it should be good enough for you.

So if you have already messed up on your resolutions,

try to change them into goals, or habits, or rituals.

And try again.

Be happy with your efforts. No one is at 100% all the time, so figure out where you're at each day (and maybe it'll change throughout the day) 

 and adjust your expectations for yourself. 

And your 100% is not someone else's 100%. 

Don't compare, just do YOUR best, not their best. 

And just keep going in the right direction, we'll get there eventually.

And isn't that the point?

I came home from volunteering and did what I've wanted to do for weeks, 

share and write down my thoughts. 

Now that I've done that, the rest of the day is ahead of us.

And it's going to be wonderful,

no matter what happens.

1 on 1

It's here.

It's finally here.

The blog about One on One Time.

Yay!

So when school started at the end of August I started trying to do our 

Mind, Body and Soul time again. I was really positive about it for the 

first three days...and then not so much after that. 

As it seems to always happen, I got sick.

So we stopped doing anything except surviving.

Then we tried again. 

There were lots of tears, and fighting, and whining...

And we stopped...again.

I procrastinated on Chasing Shelby and all of a sudden it was less than a month away and I had a lot of work to do, so I decided that I needed that 30 minutes to work on the foundation. The car show was amazing! So all my hard work was worth it. We were able to donate $5,000 to Valley Children's!

...

 Now we're trying a third time.

Well, the third time of the third time. 

That's double lucky, right?

I've been really good about doing the twins time after lunch. 

One goes and does whatever they want to do (I try to set them up for success), screen time, puzzles, play, literally almost anything, while the other does their One on One Time. And for the past week we haven't really had any problems with interrupting, which is like crazy amazing.

Jacob gets his time after he gets home from school. Sometimes though we have to do something right after school, like a play date, an errand, or a piano lesson. When that happens I let him know that we'll reschedule his time for after. This last Thursday and Friday I did not get to Jacob...it was a rough couple of days. But I followed through and made up for it on Saturday. 20 whole minutes of hide and go seek. We banned hide and go seek after a couple of attempts because when they couldn't find me they would cry...and I just can't handle that. But he said he could play and not cry, and that if he couldn't find me he would keep looking...and he did! He even hid super quiet, instead of the usual. For the longest time we would try and play and all three kids would hide while I was counting, and as soon as I said "Ready or not, here I come" they would come running out to tag me....I think it's safe to say they didn't quite understand the game. So I was thoroughly pleased that we could play while Riley had some screen time and Chase was at a birthday party with his dad. 

It was nice.

Some days are harder than others to fulfill this duty.

Today I got really tired after lunch, and we had a meeting at 2,

so I asked the twins if we could nap and then do our One on One Time after the meeting. They agreed, and promptly fell asleep.

Can I just tell you how glad I am that they are taking naps again?

We got home from the meeting with exactly 20 minutes before we had to get Jacob. I wasn't watching the clock, I just set my alarm on my phone. Well I had forgotten that my alarm was set to silent because of the meeting....20 minutes later it's time to go and Chase didn't get his time (we just didn't mention that Riley got double the time on accident...). He handled it really well, I apologized and kept my word and did it right when we got home. 

It's definitely harder to do two with three kids in the house...

it was a little rough.

But we made it through!

Amy says that this is 

THE MOST IMPORTANT TOOL IN THE TOOL BOX.

Well, here goes nothing.

I can't say that I've seen remarkable improvements in their behavior, but I have seen a change in mine. I've gone from dreading spending 10 minutes PLAYING with each of my three children, to looking forward to it (most days anyways). 

It's not easy, but I think it's worth it.

I also think that we haven't seen these over night changes that some people experience because, like I said, this is the third try of the third time...

But my kids see that I'm trying and that I love to spend time with them. 

And that is making a difference. 

So if you're looking for something to do, I strongly suggest trying Mind, Body and Soul time. Spend 10 minutes with just the two of you, doing whatever they want to do, being completely present physically and emotionally. 

It's not the easiest thing in the world, 

but is anything worth it ever easy?

...

Review of Session 1: We all need to feel emotionally connected, and have independent power and be self-sufficient, kids included. Behavior is not random! They misbehave for a reason. And our behavior can be just as much of a problem as theirs.

And now, on to Session 2. 

Wish us luck.

 We had a lot of fun at the fair. Jacob is really into this mean face right now.

It's tradition.

Halloween was an absolute blast. We are Ninjago! 

They are also very much into making forts lately. They make them out of everything and anything, often leaving a mess in their wake. Robbie made them a giant one that didn't fall down every time you looked at it wrong. They tried to sleep in it over the weekend. They gave up and went to bed...my kind of kids. Who wants to sleep on the floor when you have a comfy bed? Psh.

 

They had a disney dress up day....

I dressed them up on the wrong day.

Yep...that was...not fun.

Try, Try, Try Again

Well it's been a few months.

Okay, it's been about 7, but who's counting?

I had a goal this year of doing a positive parenting post every week, 

and on paper it looks like I've failed miserably.

But let me explain.

My depression hit me with a vengeance.

I was tired all the time.

And it basically lasted, well, until now.

Also, I decided to take a break from positive parenting 

because I knew exactly what was coming next...  

The most important tool in the tool box...

Mind, body and soul time.

In other words,

One on One Time. 

And I just couldn't do it.

One on one time is quality over quantity. 

You are supposed to fill their emotion and attention buckets

 in a positive and proactive way 

by spending 10 minutes with just them every single day.

...

And I couldn't force myself to do it.

...

I've tried and failed twice in the past, 

and I wanted to try a third time and NOT fail. 

I did really good. I didn't beat myself up for it.

I accepted my limitations, and focused on what I could do 

instead of focusing on what I wasn't doing.

And I had hope. Hope that help would come.

And it did, if in an unexpected way.

....

Robbie wasn't on board with the whole Positive Parenting thing.

I had watched the free webinar, and wanted to spend the hundred or so dollars on the program, and had to convince him. He said okay, only because he could see that I was at my wits end and had no idea what I was doing anymore and needed some kind of direction. Also, they had a money back guarantee of like 30 days or something like that. And that was two years ago or so, and I've been trying to make it past One on One Time ever since.

Over the summer we thought we'd try America's Kids in Motion. It's so close to us, and their Ninja Class looked awesome. And it was, except that my three little hellians didn't listen all that well. I tried to be helpful, but after a month of going once a week I was so done. My kids weren't listening to the instructor, they weren't listening to me, so I had it. I went and cried in my car. I came back and the coach said they behaved better without me there! So I asked if I could read in my car or walk the trail during their class and was told yes. So that's what I did, and it seemed to work great.

A couple months later on our way in the door, we were stopped by an older woman dressed in the ninja uniform. She stopped us outside the door and said "Oh good, you're here, we need you to stay because it's against the rules for you to leave." Okay, first of all, who is your HR person because that is not how you go about doing this. I'm like, well then I should have been informed of that rule the first time, or any subsequent time after that. I told her that I was leaving because I was being told that my kids were behaving better when I wasn't there. She said they weren't behaving, and basically called my children brats. Again, who the hell are you, and obviously you have never been trained how to speak to people because you're extremely rude.

Now this is the climax of a very, very, very long and trying and bad day. This is also the climax of a very long and tiring summer of trying to teach my kids to listen. So I thought my kids had been behaving, and now I find out in this awful way that they haven't been. 

So I go and I sit down, because I can't go cry in my car. I'm trying to keep it under control, but I can't. The tears are just coming. And I know it's going to get ugly soon. The same rude lady then sends Chase over to me, rightly putting him in a time out, because he's not listening to the instructor. So I call Robbie and ask him to come help me, and he's like are you just sitting there crying??? Just go home! I don't care if we've paid for it, just leave. So the rude lady comes back and asks Chase if he wants to try again, and I tell her we're actually going to leave. 

She basically said whatever. 

So Chase is now sobbing, because he doesn't want to go, and I'm trying to get Riley and Jacob to get out of the gym and they're not listening. Big surprise. What was most awful was this woman is just standing there, watching me struggle. She's even standing right by Riley, and she didn't tap her on the shoulder or try to help me get her attention, she just stood there and watched. And remember, I've got tears running down my face, I'm trying to keep it together, but the boogers are about to make an appearance and I don't have any tissues. So this just sucks. 

We make it home and I'm now having a full on anxiety attack. 

I'm uncontrollably shaking, I can't think straight, I can't stop crying 

(and it was ugly crying, like really ugly, and loud)...

So Robbie comes home to me pulling all of the movies off of our entertainment shelves, and trying to rip the TV out of the wall. He tried to reason with me, but I couldn't be reasoned with. So he helped me put all the movies in boxes in the garage, and after that he tried to explain to me that there was no good place to put the TV where it wouldn't get damaged, so we compromised on unplugging it. 

Here I am. Freaking out. Again. 

Because I have no freaking idea what the heck I'm doing.

So he suggests that we do the positive parenting together.

And there was the help I needed.

It came after a very very bad day, after a very trying summer.

Help can come in the most unexpected ways.

.....

And we didn't do it for a few weeks...

But we did make some good changes in the mean time. 

 .....

We took all their toys away and explained that they had to earn them back. We had a problem with them playing instead of listening or doing what we asked, and then when it came time to clean up they would whine "It's too hard, there's too many toys." So we took them away. Every morning they have to do 5 things: go to the bathroom, brush their teeth, get dressed, make their bed, and say their prayers, and THEN they can pick a toy to play with for the day (we had them all in our room). If they broke the rules with the toy (like hit someone with it, or threw it, or hit my walls with it etc) they lost it. If they didn't put it away when asked, they lost it. BUT if they played with it without breaking any rules and put it away when asked, they get to keep it and their toys get to accumulate.  

When they had a lot of toys in their room, about two weeks in, we gave them around 10 minutes to clean up. We have also been consistent about cleaning up every day, or even after every play break (like we're going to the grocery store, lets clean up). The boys earned all their toys back, and Riley could care less. Now that we're doing One on One Time, I'm trying to coax her into playing with a new toy and then practice putting it away. We told her if she didn't clean up her room her toys would be taken away, and she said "Take them". 

Heaven help me.

 ......

Besides that we've cut out a lot of movies and TV. We use it as a reward now, and only if we have time, instead of "they're driving me nuts just put something on because I can't take it anymore." Now they earn their movies back. 

TV is a privilege, not a right.

.......

The next best thing has been school. Jacob is now in first grade, so he's gone all day! And the twins are in TK, so I get an extra half hour of alone time. It's only day three, but so far Robbie and I have been consistent in our PPS journey together every night and I have done one on one time with all three of them every day. Having the break in the morning allows me to do something for myself (I've been exercising and then showering and getting all cute), and then the break between the twins and getting Jacob gives me the time and the strength I need 

to do One on One Time with the twins. 

The two times before when we tried One on One Time, there were always two kids playing together when I was with one. The two would usually end up fighting or getting hurt, which would interrupt the other's time. Now that it's just the twins home, one can't get into too much trouble while I'm with the other, especially when they know their turn is coming next. Then we have quiet time after, or nap time depending on how much time we have. It's another good motivator for me, play with the kids and then take a small rejuvenating rest.  

And then when Jacob comes home we do his One on One Time, and the twins can play fine for 10 minutes (instead of 20). They're also a little older than the last time we tried, which helps a lot. Because I don't get as much time with Jacob, I haven't been setting the timer. I think we may have been doing 20 minutes or so. On Monday we built his fighter jet out of legos. Yesterday we started on his T-Rex, but we had to stop because looking for lost lego pieces took too long and I was running out of patience, and it had been like 20 minutes. 

School has given us a wonderful schedule, I'm so grateful.

........

One on One Time takes practice!

Monday was great, they were so excited to play with me 

and get that special time and all of my attention and energy.

 Tuesday was hard. Chase wanted to play with Riley and I, 

and Riley wouldn't leave us alone, Chase started being mean,

and trying to find Jacob's lost lego pieces really put me on edge.

Wednesday was good, but harder. 

The twins did a good job of giving the other space 

and their 10 minutes, they were really patient and awesome. 

We had to fight to get Jacob's time, because it was early day 

and we wanted to go roller skating (right after school) 

because it was free admission...so everyone was 

grumpy and crying and I had to force myself to take the time 

for Jacob even though everyone was done for the day. 

He was so happy that we did it, which made me happy.

Which gives me hope for tomorrow.

.........

I don't know what it was, but something clicked.

It's like I finally could breathe.

And because I could finally breathe, 

I could do all the things I wanted and needed to do. 

Like change my night time habits.

..........

Another thing that has helped besides my schedule 

has been my nightly routine.

I've made my nightstand a calming place, that reminds me of where my priorities should be and what matters most at night (and it's not binge watching a TV show, that doesn't fulfill me at all). I've been actively trying to study my scriptures and pray so that I can draw closer to my Heavenly Father, and He can draw closer to me. I've been drinking calming herbal teas before bedtime, and doing relaxing, stress releasing yoga. While I've had some crazy dreams the past few nights, my head has been on that pillow by 11pm and my cute little alarm clock goes off at 6:30am. 

...........

For the first time in FOREVER

I am excited to go to sleep, and I am excited to wake up. 

It's like I was dead, and now I'm alive. 

Something as simple as going to bed and waking up

were two of the most difficult things in the world,

until they just weren't.

That's how drastic of a change going through 

a depression wave and coming out of one is. 

And that's why it's so important to be patient with yourself

while you're not able to be all that you want to be.

What I have learned is to just keep trying.

Am I still doing all the things that I need to do?

No!

Am I doing all the things I want to do?

No!

But one step at a time. Try to keep your footing. 

We're going to fall back a lot, 

sometimes farther than we maybe expected to, 

and that's okay! 

Because we're only human, 

trying to be better than we were yesterday. 

............

So I have a challenge for you. 

It doesn't matter what your circumstances are, 

TRY.

Today figure out something small 

that you would like to change about your life. 

Go at your own pace. 

If you want to change one thing a day, do it. 

If you want to work on one thing for awhile 

before moving on to the next, do it. 

If you want to make an entire lifestyle change at once? Do it. 

You are going to fail, a lot.

But the only true failure, is if you don't try at all.

I hope you'll come back and read my next Positive Parenting post.

I hope that you have all the love that you need,

and the hope and joy that tomorrow can be a better day.

You have more power over your life than you know.

So try.

Try, try, try again.

I kind of failed at back to school pictures. 

Oh well.

I got 2 1/4 out of our family of 5.

 1st day of 1st grade!!!

That's not even my house...

Just keep trying. 

Until next time.