Try, Try, Try Again

Well it's been a few months.

Okay, it's been about 7, but who's counting?

I had a goal this year of doing a positive parenting post every week, 

and on paper it looks like I've failed miserably.

But let me explain.

My depression hit me with a vengeance.

I was tired all the time.

And it basically lasted, well, until now.

Also, I decided to take a break from positive parenting 

because I knew exactly what was coming next...  

The most important tool in the tool box...

Mind, body and soul time.

In other words,

One on One Time. 

And I just couldn't do it.

One on one time is quality over quantity. 

You are supposed to fill their emotion and attention buckets

 in a positive and proactive way 

by spending 10 minutes with just them every single day.

...

And I couldn't force myself to do it.

...

I've tried and failed twice in the past, 

and I wanted to try a third time and NOT fail. 

I did really good. I didn't beat myself up for it.

I accepted my limitations, and focused on what I could do 

instead of focusing on what I wasn't doing.

And I had hope. Hope that help would come.

And it did, if in an unexpected way.

....

Robbie wasn't on board with the whole Positive Parenting thing.

I had watched the free webinar, and wanted to spend the hundred or so dollars on the program, and had to convince him. He said okay, only because he could see that I was at my wits end and had no idea what I was doing anymore and needed some kind of direction. Also, they had a money back guarantee of like 30 days or something like that. And that was two years ago or so, and I've been trying to make it past One on One Time ever since.

Over the summer we thought we'd try America's Kids in Motion. It's so close to us, and their Ninja Class looked awesome. And it was, except that my three little hellians didn't listen all that well. I tried to be helpful, but after a month of going once a week I was so done. My kids weren't listening to the instructor, they weren't listening to me, so I had it. I went and cried in my car. I came back and the coach said they behaved better without me there! So I asked if I could read in my car or walk the trail during their class and was told yes. So that's what I did, and it seemed to work great.

A couple months later on our way in the door, we were stopped by an older woman dressed in the ninja uniform. She stopped us outside the door and said "Oh good, you're here, we need you to stay because it's against the rules for you to leave." Okay, first of all, who is your HR person because that is not how you go about doing this. I'm like, well then I should have been informed of that rule the first time, or any subsequent time after that. I told her that I was leaving because I was being told that my kids were behaving better when I wasn't there. She said they weren't behaving, and basically called my children brats. Again, who the hell are you, and obviously you have never been trained how to speak to people because you're extremely rude.

Now this is the climax of a very, very, very long and trying and bad day. This is also the climax of a very long and tiring summer of trying to teach my kids to listen. So I thought my kids had been behaving, and now I find out in this awful way that they haven't been. 

So I go and I sit down, because I can't go cry in my car. I'm trying to keep it under control, but I can't. The tears are just coming. And I know it's going to get ugly soon. The same rude lady then sends Chase over to me, rightly putting him in a time out, because he's not listening to the instructor. So I call Robbie and ask him to come help me, and he's like are you just sitting there crying??? Just go home! I don't care if we've paid for it, just leave. So the rude lady comes back and asks Chase if he wants to try again, and I tell her we're actually going to leave. 

She basically said whatever. 

So Chase is now sobbing, because he doesn't want to go, and I'm trying to get Riley and Jacob to get out of the gym and they're not listening. Big surprise. What was most awful was this woman is just standing there, watching me struggle. She's even standing right by Riley, and she didn't tap her on the shoulder or try to help me get her attention, she just stood there and watched. And remember, I've got tears running down my face, I'm trying to keep it together, but the boogers are about to make an appearance and I don't have any tissues. So this just sucks. 

We make it home and I'm now having a full on anxiety attack. 

I'm uncontrollably shaking, I can't think straight, I can't stop crying 

(and it was ugly crying, like really ugly, and loud)...

So Robbie comes home to me pulling all of the movies off of our entertainment shelves, and trying to rip the TV out of the wall. He tried to reason with me, but I couldn't be reasoned with. So he helped me put all the movies in boxes in the garage, and after that he tried to explain to me that there was no good place to put the TV where it wouldn't get damaged, so we compromised on unplugging it. 

Here I am. Freaking out. Again. 

Because I have no freaking idea what the heck I'm doing.

So he suggests that we do the positive parenting together.

And there was the help I needed.

It came after a very very bad day, after a very trying summer.

Help can come in the most unexpected ways.

.....

And we didn't do it for a few weeks...

But we did make some good changes in the mean time. 

 .....

We took all their toys away and explained that they had to earn them back. We had a problem with them playing instead of listening or doing what we asked, and then when it came time to clean up they would whine "It's too hard, there's too many toys." So we took them away. Every morning they have to do 5 things: go to the bathroom, brush their teeth, get dressed, make their bed, and say their prayers, and THEN they can pick a toy to play with for the day (we had them all in our room). If they broke the rules with the toy (like hit someone with it, or threw it, or hit my walls with it etc) they lost it. If they didn't put it away when asked, they lost it. BUT if they played with it without breaking any rules and put it away when asked, they get to keep it and their toys get to accumulate.  

When they had a lot of toys in their room, about two weeks in, we gave them around 10 minutes to clean up. We have also been consistent about cleaning up every day, or even after every play break (like we're going to the grocery store, lets clean up). The boys earned all their toys back, and Riley could care less. Now that we're doing One on One Time, I'm trying to coax her into playing with a new toy and then practice putting it away. We told her if she didn't clean up her room her toys would be taken away, and she said "Take them". 

Heaven help me.

 ......

Besides that we've cut out a lot of movies and TV. We use it as a reward now, and only if we have time, instead of "they're driving me nuts just put something on because I can't take it anymore." Now they earn their movies back. 

TV is a privilege, not a right.

.......

The next best thing has been school. Jacob is now in first grade, so he's gone all day! And the twins are in TK, so I get an extra half hour of alone time. It's only day three, but so far Robbie and I have been consistent in our PPS journey together every night and I have done one on one time with all three of them every day. Having the break in the morning allows me to do something for myself (I've been exercising and then showering and getting all cute), and then the break between the twins and getting Jacob gives me the time and the strength I need 

to do One on One Time with the twins. 

The two times before when we tried One on One Time, there were always two kids playing together when I was with one. The two would usually end up fighting or getting hurt, which would interrupt the other's time. Now that it's just the twins home, one can't get into too much trouble while I'm with the other, especially when they know their turn is coming next. Then we have quiet time after, or nap time depending on how much time we have. It's another good motivator for me, play with the kids and then take a small rejuvenating rest.  

And then when Jacob comes home we do his One on One Time, and the twins can play fine for 10 minutes (instead of 20). They're also a little older than the last time we tried, which helps a lot. Because I don't get as much time with Jacob, I haven't been setting the timer. I think we may have been doing 20 minutes or so. On Monday we built his fighter jet out of legos. Yesterday we started on his T-Rex, but we had to stop because looking for lost lego pieces took too long and I was running out of patience, and it had been like 20 minutes. 

School has given us a wonderful schedule, I'm so grateful.

........

One on One Time takes practice!

Monday was great, they were so excited to play with me 

and get that special time and all of my attention and energy.

 Tuesday was hard. Chase wanted to play with Riley and I, 

and Riley wouldn't leave us alone, Chase started being mean,

and trying to find Jacob's lost lego pieces really put me on edge.

Wednesday was good, but harder. 

The twins did a good job of giving the other space 

and their 10 minutes, they were really patient and awesome. 

We had to fight to get Jacob's time, because it was early day 

and we wanted to go roller skating (right after school) 

because it was free admission...so everyone was 

grumpy and crying and I had to force myself to take the time 

for Jacob even though everyone was done for the day. 

He was so happy that we did it, which made me happy.

Which gives me hope for tomorrow.

.........

I don't know what it was, but something clicked.

It's like I finally could breathe.

And because I could finally breathe, 

I could do all the things I wanted and needed to do. 

Like change my night time habits.

..........

Another thing that has helped besides my schedule 

has been my nightly routine.

I've made my nightstand a calming place, that reminds me of where my priorities should be and what matters most at night (and it's not binge watching a TV show, that doesn't fulfill me at all). I've been actively trying to study my scriptures and pray so that I can draw closer to my Heavenly Father, and He can draw closer to me. I've been drinking calming herbal teas before bedtime, and doing relaxing, stress releasing yoga. While I've had some crazy dreams the past few nights, my head has been on that pillow by 11pm and my cute little alarm clock goes off at 6:30am. 

...........

For the first time in FOREVER

I am excited to go to sleep, and I am excited to wake up. 

It's like I was dead, and now I'm alive. 

Something as simple as going to bed and waking up

were two of the most difficult things in the world,

until they just weren't.

That's how drastic of a change going through 

a depression wave and coming out of one is. 

And that's why it's so important to be patient with yourself

while you're not able to be all that you want to be.

What I have learned is to just keep trying.

Am I still doing all the things that I need to do?

No!

Am I doing all the things I want to do?

No!

But one step at a time. Try to keep your footing. 

We're going to fall back a lot, 

sometimes farther than we maybe expected to, 

and that's okay! 

Because we're only human, 

trying to be better than we were yesterday. 

............

So I have a challenge for you. 

It doesn't matter what your circumstances are, 

TRY.

Today figure out something small 

that you would like to change about your life. 

Go at your own pace. 

If you want to change one thing a day, do it. 

If you want to work on one thing for awhile 

before moving on to the next, do it. 

If you want to make an entire lifestyle change at once? Do it. 

You are going to fail, a lot.

But the only true failure, is if you don't try at all.

I hope you'll come back and read my next Positive Parenting post.

I hope that you have all the love that you need,

and the hope and joy that tomorrow can be a better day.

You have more power over your life than you know.

So try.

Try, try, try again.

I kind of failed at back to school pictures. 

Oh well.

I got 2 1/4 out of our family of 5.

 1st day of 1st grade!!!

That's not even my house...

Just keep trying. 

Until next time.