"We are not human beings trying to be spiritual.
We are spiritual beings trying to be human."
-Jacquelyn Small
Start Quote
Often women forget their Divinity as they go about their daily round.
How often do we excuse ourselves with the expression,
"Well, I'm only human."
No, you're not, and neither am I.
We forget we're spiritual beings appearing for a
brief span on this planet as humans.
I certainly forgot that this morning when my
daughter stayed home from school because she's sick.
Again.
In a little while, I'll have to take her to the doctor for a strep test
and my entire work day will have been disrupted.
I'm frustrated and angry; not at [her]
- at real life, at deadlines.
But did she realize that, when I rolled my eyes
at the thought of another day gone awry?
I don't think so.
Spiritual beings do not sweat real life's small stuff.
They also know that most of what drives us crazy
in real life is small stuff...
A spiritual being knows that the
work will be waiting for her
when she gets back from the doctor's office.
A spiritual being knows that there is
no such thing as a deadline.
The deadline will be met if I remember to ask for grace.
A spiritual being knows that the only thing
that's NOT small stuff today
is caring for and comforting a sick child.
The spiritual being might have also known that this morning
if she'd taken five minutes to center herself...
End Quote
I love and hate this day.
I have truly been struggling with depression,
and it absolutely sucks.
I have no control over my emotions.
I'm sad about everything, nothing is exciting,
I hate everything, and I have no desire to do anything.
My spirit just feels like it's being torn apart bit by bit,
and for no reason other than my human brain is sick.
So when I hear Sarah say oh I'm just a spiritual being and if I had remembered that I wouldn't have let the small stuff bother me and I would have had a better day, it hurts. I want to say BS, because right now I literally can't feel happy no matter what I do.
Believe me, it's not like I'm not trying.
Sorry, I just can't do it today.
I've been trying, and failing, to ride this wave for a week now,
and I just can't do it.
I am a spiritual being, but when I'm dealing with a
bout of depression, the small stuff absolutely kills me.
Every time my children whine, or cry, or scream, or yell, I can't win. They whine at me for everything. The first night Robbie was gone I told the kids we were going to go to McDonald's for dinner and they all started crying. What the heck?! I have tried so hard to teach them how to communicate without whining or crying or screaming, and at 4 and 3 they just don't seem to get it yet. I have three little kids who that's all they do every day, from sun up to sun down, whine whine whine. It's enough to drive anyone completely mad.
Perhaps today Sarah's trying to tell me to take care of myself,
and if that means surviving, then that's good enough.
Maybe just accept what's happening, accept my reality.
Accept the fact that I don't want to get out of bed.
How awful is that? That I am so sick that I don't even look forward to taking care of my children? I stay in bed until the last possible minute because I can't make myself get up and start my day because I don't want to do anything.
Because why add insult to injury?
Why beat myself up and guilt trip myself because I'm sick?
I know what my spirit wants, I know what I want,
and I don't want to feel this way.
But it's the cards I've been dealt. This is how I feel right now.
I thank God that these waves eventually go
and I can be happy and be myself again.
Maybe that's what I need to learn today,
to hold onto who it is that I really am,
even when I can't see or feel her.
My spirit is beautiful, and I can't wait to see her again.
My spirit is strong, but sometimes my body is stronger.
How is that?
We say mind over matter, and sometimes I believe that,
but sometimes I think it's just not true.
Mental illness is awful.
Okay, quick exercise.
I'm going to write out what Sarah said one more time,
but with myself and depression in mind.
"I'm frustrated and angry..."
Your human side sweats the small things,
but your spiritual side does not sweat the small stuff.
Your spiritual side knows that there will always be
plenty of work to do, it will never end, so there's no point
in getting upset about it not getting done because you were sick.
Your spiritual side knows that deadlines are just things that are made up by other humans, and don't matter in the eternities. The world will not stop spinning.
(Some deadlines you should keep though, even if you're sick, like pay your bills on time, or your power will go off and you'll lose your house or have to pay hefty late fees.)
"A spiritual being knows that the only thing
that's NOT small stuff today
is caring for and comforting a sick child."
Maybe that sick child is yourself.
Okay, I hope and pray that this did not come off as a pity party,
and that my point was clear...somewhere in there.
***
Gratitude Journal
***
1) Friends who invite us over for dinner, even though we had to leave early because of crying children.
2) Baths.
3) Robbie did the dishes.
4) Tomorrow is Friday, this awful week is almost over.
5) Only 24 more days left in 2017.
No comments:
Post a Comment