Courtney's Life

Hello all
Long time no see 🙃
I got the itch to start writing again, and it just won't let me go.
or maybe I just need to write it all down in order to process it all.

Either way, here I am....again...

I've been trying to change my life for a long time without much success.

But I can't help but see those failures as stepping stones, helping me get to where I am now.

Let me tell you a little about how I finally decided, for real this time, that this was it.

This was going to be the time it stuck.

I'd been angry with myself because time and time again I fall into bad habits that

do not make me happy, do not bring me peace, and do not make me a better person.

I think the anger is what did it.

It was like a fire ripping through me.

It was like a voice screaming at the top of it's lungs in my head.

ENOUGH.

Day one of changing my life... it was raining and we couldn't go to the park.

You know how life is, when you're looking for something

usually the universe brings it your way. If you just keep your eyes open

you'll often find maybe not everything you want, but definitely what you need.

I was looking for a bowl for your keys, and I usually have good luck finding things

like that at the thrift store. After picking up Jacob I saw a Goodwill that I'd never seen before. I've driven this street maybe 100 times, and never noticed.

Today of all days, when I decide to change my life,

it's raining, our plans have been altered, and I'm looking for something...

so off we go.

The last time I decided to change my life a book came to me.

And wouldn't you know it, God sent another book my way.

I decided to change my life, really decided this time,

because I realized that I'm always going to be tired.

I've been trying for ages it seems like to get enough sleep,

get more sleep, go to bed earlier, wake up later, take a nap,

don't take a nap, exercise when you wake up, exercise before bed...

I tried every combination and to no avail.

I still wake up tired.

No matter how much or how little sleep I get,

no matter how good or bad the sleep was,

I will still be tired.

So I just decided, I don't care.

I'm going to be tired, why not be tired and know that I gave today my all

and did everything in my power to seize the day.

So perusing the books at Goodwill, and it was like a magnet reaching out to me.

A day by day devotional book called Find Rest.

Find Rest.

When I just decided that I didn't care how tired I was,

God reached out and told me you may be tired, but I can give you rest.

Tired...and still find rest?

What kind of a mean conundrum is that?

That's almost cruel, it sounds like teasing...

like the old guy with the dollar on his fishing pole from those old commercials.

But it's true, isn't it.

I've been thinking a lot about trials, struggles, and storms that come our way.

It seems like every time you try to do things right, things go wrong.

So you just slip right back into what's comfortable...

what's been working, kinda, at least it's been keeping you alive...

Is alive good enough?

I've been listening to lots of different things and I feel like God has been dropping hints everywhere. I've been hearing over and over that life is hard but it's worth fighting and working things out, because what's the alternative? It's not like you have anything better to do than to try to leave this world a little better than you found it. Your life is your own fault, whether good or bad your choices have led you to where you are now. You may not get to choose everything that happens to you, but you damn well get to choose how you react to it. You get to choose what your life looks like. Humans are meant to struggle and work hard, because if we were just given everything we needed and wanted...well I guess we'd be like spoiled rotten children and everyone knows how awful that is.

Every day it's going to be SOMETHING.

Something WILL go wrong.

Something bad WILL happen.

Something WILL get broken or dirty.

Something WILL NOT get done that probably should have been done.

The same mundane things need to happen every day

or else literal hell WILL break loose...

And sometimes it's just your mood.

You can do everything right, you can have nothing go terribly wrong,

and for no reason whatsoever... still feel like a failure.

The storms of life are not stayed by how much we do right.

We cannot calm the storm...

But we can choose which direction our sails are facing,

we can choose how we act during the storm,

and we can choose who we're sailing with.

I think we often get so caught up in everything that we have to do and everything we're not getting done and forget that we're not alone. Didn't Jesus promise to walk with us?

How many times do we stubbornly keep carrying our burdens...alone...

hating ourselves because we can't do everything we think we should,

instead of letting go of what we think we know and accepting His way?

In Matthew 11 he says

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart:

and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Seems kind of impossible doesn't it.

That you can find rest while still yoked and doing work...

But after trying to change my life unsuccessfully for years,

this time I'm not going to do it alone.

I will accept that I will be tired,

probably no matter how much or how good a sleep I get.

I will accept there will be nights I don't get a lot of sleep,

and yet the next day still comes and I will meet it head on.

I will accept that there will be plenty I don't get done,

and be grateful for what I was able to accomplish.

I will accept that storms of all forms will come, physical, spiritual, emotional...

and yet the storm will end and the sun will shine again.

I will accept that sometimes there will be storm, after storm, after storm,

and it will seem as if you're gasping for air as you drown...

and yet that storm too will pass.

As our legs and arms feel like they will fall off from treading water,

as our lungs burn to breathe, as you look into the depths of despair...

Look up. Hold on.

You are strong.

You can do this.

And with our Savior you will not only survive the storms,

but will find and create a most beautiful life.

Just looking at the last couple years and seeing how God has prepared me

to finally make these changes that some part of me wanted to make

but just could never find the discipline to do them.

Just looking at that first day, wondering how can you go on

when you're just bone tired all the time, and God reaching out

and telling me how to find true rest.

Just looking at today...My Papa passed away.

We've been trying to read The Book of Mormon at the dinner table

because we just couldn't figure out any other time to read.

We haven't been very consistent, and yet today we found comfort in them.

If we had been reading every day, maybe the scripture we were on

would have been just as comforting...but we picked up where we left off

and we read Lehi's last words to his sons.

How? How did He know?

I don't really believe in coincidence...

How is it on the day the patriarch of my mother's family passes away

we are reading another patriarch's last words?

How is it that he teaches us about how there can be no good without the bad,

no light without dark, no righteousness without evil, and no joy without sorrow when I'm grappling with that very notion that life is going to be hard

no matter how much good you do or how hard you work?

I don't believe it's a coincidence.

I believe it was again God reaching out and telling us it's okay to mess up, just keep trying.

Re-center, recalibrate, refocus, repent, and keep trying.

I love my Papa very much, and I know he had a strong testimony of our Savior and His gospel. Reading Lehi's testimony I could almost hear my Papa telling me his own from the beyond the veil... I will miss him terribly.

Also how funny is it that the last time I blogged it was in part because my sister passed? This time it is just a coincidence, I've been trying to write this for almost a month and a death just happened to occur on the night I decided sleep be damned I'm getting this off my chest...

There Christ was again...right smack dab in the middle of the storm...

holding my hand through it.

I'm looking forward to learning more, and I hope you'll enjoy reading along. I'm not going to do anything so crazy as blog everyday, I did that once and I don't think Robbie would appreciate if I did it again. I also don't think I could fit one more thing into my schedule every day...but my goal is once or twice a week to do a devotional and share what I learned.

Wish me luck, and courage, and strength...

That when it gets hard...because it will get hard...

I have no doubt that there will be many times when it will seem unbearable

and I'll just want to crawl back into bed and give up on the day...

that I will not give up.

I know that when I feel like I've run dry,

after I've done all I can,

He will be there to make up the difference

and make my weak things strong.

And I am determined, for what seems like the first time in a long time,

to do all I can...

and in so doing hope to find the rest I've been yearning for.