Losing Friends

I am no stranger to losing friends. 

I've had people in my life that I've loved that chose to leave... 

most often for reasons unknown to me.

 

But this is new to me.

Losing people that I love, 

but this time I know exactly why I lost them. 

 

First let me give you a little background.

 

I was going crazy. 

I was having a full fledged breakdown. 

And it was slowly getting worse. 

Ever since March I've been with my kiddos 24/7. 

Because of Covid my village was taken from me. 

No help...no family, no friends, 

everything closed down that could have helped me through this

like parks, the zoo, every other kind of amusement or learning place. 

 

I needed a break. 

I wanted to go away, somewhere green, 

to see the outside and breathe the fresh air

and let the kids wander and explore...

 

But either I wasn't clear 

or I was ignored.

So I chose to cancel our family plans 

and told Robbie I needed some alone time. 

This was a Thursday afternoon. 

 

And it all went downhill from there.

I don't even remember when this was, a month ago, two,

(four or six by the time I finally post this?)

I can't keep time straight since we've been "quarantined"... 

Everything blends together.

 

The riots were happening, "peaceful protests" as they were called...

I know that's probably not helpful for a timeline 

because there's been quite a few of them this year...

but I saw something that made me sick.

Almost every single one of my friends on Facebook was 

apologizing because of the color of their skin. 

And then I saw something that made my skin crawl.

 

I saw a black man walk up to a random white woman 

and told her he wanted to bring her to her knees, and asked her to 

kneel down before him and apologize for her white privilege.  

I saw more white people kneel down and apologize 

for the color of their skin and for the sins of the past.

 

Then I saw white people washing black people's feet 

to apologize for their whiteness.

 

                Then I saw white people kissing black people's feet 

to show solidarity to the cause.

I shared on my own Facebook page my feelings.

Got that?

I shared. On MY OWN PAGE. My OWN OPINION.

Is that clear? 

I didn't share my feelings or opinions with the people 

who were making these disgusting comments.

 I did not tell them on their pages how wrong I thought they were. 

I just shared my opinions... on my page...

And I don't even think my opinion was that crazy,

but apparently it was wrong, very wrong.

I was not allowed to think such things, let alone say them.

I must be taught and corrected by those 

who are so much wiser and righteous than I.

 

I said something along the lines of

"I will not apologize for something I have not done 

or something I am not. I will not kneel before anyone but my God 

and will not kiss the feet of anyone but my Savior." 

 

That's it.

 

Astonishing, ground breaking, blasphemous, 

I know.

 

 And then my friends who lean left decided to tell me how wrong I was. 

How because of the color of my skin I was more privileged than 

those who had darker color skin. All of the reasons that were proposed 

I suggested had more to do with personal choices than systemic racism 

and white superiority and privilege. They said they had no idea where this was 

coming from, and so I showed them these videos of these things happening to 

answer their question. I told them I don't want to start our "conversation" again, 

just that I wanted to show them why I shared on my page my opinion...

and then they started in on me... again...after I asked them not to...

 

And then I had a person tell me how I was smarter than she was because I had lighter skin. How even though we went to school for the same thing, I would be the one who would get the job because I have higher test scores, because of the color of my skin. Because my parents had more money for tutors because of the color of their skin...

 

Which is all bull shit, but how would she know? 

Did she ever take the time to get to know me or my family?

Just assuming something about someone

because of the color of their skin?

 

Sounds pretty racist to me.

 

Then one of my best friends shared that she would unfriend racists and bigots...which is all fine and dandy, except when we disagree on what an actual racist and bigot is. 

I didn't want to stick around to find out

 if I was going to make the cut.

Now you have to remember where I was mentally and emotionally. 

I was having a breakdown, I was already at my breaking point, 

barely keeping it together...

and it was just getting worse and worse.

 

I don't handle contention well. Partly because I think it's evil.

I try my very best not to pick fights, but to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I try to listen to other people's opinions, but not when they are presented in such a disrespectful and contentious way.

So I reached out to my very best friend. 

The one woman I loved more than any other in this whole world.

I shared my pain, about how life was going, my breakdown, 

and how my friends on the left seem to think that it's okay

 to just ram you with their opinions without your permission. 

Like vomit they just spew their ideas all over you, 

without your consent. 

And they just expect you to take it and say thank you. 

They can't accept that someone could POSSIBLY

 have a different opinion, or imagine why they have that opinion. 

How these same people are the ones who are always saying 

you shouldn't have discussions over facebook 

and here they are forcing a contentious debate...on facebook... 

How I felt so disrespected. 

How even though I know we disagree on things 

I would never dream of just slamming her with my opinions 

about how wrong I think she is, because I have respect for her.

Three days...

I didn't break in three days,

this breakdown was months in the making...

but three days was all it took to finally break me. 

Saturday morning I was trying to leave 

even though I had wanted to leave on Thursday. 

One thing after another, 

like wanting to leave Thursday not happening, 

Friday night didn't happen because Robbie's car needed 

new tires and he couldn't get it done till Saturday morning...

And while waiting for him on Saturday morning it happened.

My very best friend in the entire world struck the final blow. 

The final dagger to my heart.

And my breakdown was complete.

I got a Facebook message.

Not a phone call. Not a text. Not a reply to my Marco Polo. 

A Facebook message...

 

She sent me one of those videos about white privilege, 

a day or two after I had sent her that message...

you know, the video message I sent her where I was crying and spilling my heart about how hurt I was by my leftist "friends" and how they think it's okay to treat people like this? 

  I broke. 

I completely broke apart.

I came to two conclusions as I was 

convulsing on the floor unable to control the tears. 

One

She listened to my message and decided that she would do exactly what was causing me pain. That she listened to me cry and then decided, what the hell, she's wrong about this and I need to set her straight her pain be damned. 

Two

She decided not to listen to my message at all. She chose, instead of listening to what I had to say, to input her unwanted and unsolicited opinion because she knows what's best. This woman that I shared everything with and who I thought loved and respected me despite our many differences, either couldn't be bothered, or didn't care.

 

And on top of everything else, 

I couldn't take this. 

 

I ran. 

Robbie had the kids, and I drove till I hit the ocean.

 

After three hours of feeling the sun on my face, 

the wind in my hair, then finally smelling the 

salt of the ocean and feeling the sand on my feet,

 I had decided. 

I decided that I was not going to be fed shit.

I would not bite, chew, repeat, and smile and say thank you. 

So I went back to the car and started purging. 

I got rid of any and all social media sites. 

Turns out Facebook won't let you just delete it, 

it takes at least a month, and that's if you did it right 

and hit all the right buttons.

 

I was heartbroken.

 

I'm still heartbroken.

 

I lost them. 

I lost her. 

I lost them either because I overreacted 

while I was having a breakdown, 

or I lost them because they couldn't respect my different opinion.

 

I've wondered, do I reach out to her? 

Do I even want her in my life?

 

Part of me says yes, 

that kind of love doesn't just go away. 

My heart yearns for our friendship to be put right...

Part of me says no, 

I can't have that kind of disrespect and disregard in my life.  

A burn like that can be forgiven, but can it be forgotten...

 

Every day I wonder how she's doing. 

Every day I wonder if I should reach out 

and apologize for over reacting. 

It's not like we haven't had fights before.

But this one. 

This one feels different.

 

I don't know.

And my heart aches.  

My heart also aches because I believe that white privilege, 

white guilt, and the black lives matter movement is racist and evil.

I was going to have this huge essay like explanation of why I think these things. But I think I won't. Either you agree with me or you don't. Either way is fine by me. If we ever meet up in person and you want to hear my opinion, I'd be more than happy to share it with you. And I'd love to hear yours, whether it's different or the same. But I will not tolerate any bullshit, or disrespect. I will call you out on it, as respectfully as I can. I mean, I'm not perfect either... 

My mom shared a story of losing one of her friends too.

It sounded eerily similar to mine. 

My dad always has said that my mom is his best friend, 

and he doesn't need anyone else.  

I never understood that until now. 

Robbie and I have always been best friends.

But realizing that you can really only have one best friend, 

and that's your spouse,

 has been a lesson I'm grateful to have learned.

I've learned that some people are really awful communicators. That some people are toxic. That some people are more acquaintances than friends, but you call them friends just to be polite because acquaintance sounds just a little rude. I've learned that you need to communicate well with your friends, but you shouldn't give them your whole heart. Because unlike your spouse, they are not married to you. That relationship can suddenly become one sided. Or maybe it was one sided all along and it just became glaringly obvious how much you've loved and trusted and it has not been reciprocated...just stomped and spit upon. I've learned that you have to set boundaries with friends, even good ones. You can love, share, trust, but not too much...I'm not saying don't be a good friend, I'm not saying don't love or share or trust or be there for people when they need you...I'm saying guard your heart. Give of yourself, but remember that you can't control other people, and people can be jerks...or turn into jerks...You can only control yourself, your response and reactions, your boundaries. 

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. 

Be a good friend, and good friends will come. 

Be your spouse's best friend.

Makes friends with your family. 

I never thought my mom would be one of my friends, 

but I've called her just to chit chat about stuff more this year than ever. I never thought my dad would be one of my friends, and we've had more late night discussions than I can count. And playing poker with them and Robbie is so much fun.

Hope for the best.

Plan for the worst.

Live and learn.

And love.

With love comes pain...it's just a fact of life.

Just be prepared, then maybe it won't hurt as much.

Or maybe it will hurt just as much, I don't know.

But people will come into your life and out. 

Whether by death, or choices, yours or theirs,

people will leave you. 

I think if you can accept this fact, without letting it jade you,

you can be a little more prepared for the next time it happens.

Remember the friendship fondly, 

and try not to let the ending tarnish the good times. 

Here's to losing friends. 

Here's to self reflection and personal growth.

Here's to respect.

Here's to love.

Here's to tomorrow.