I was reading through my last blog post and realized
I didn't actually tell you how I'm changing my life.
I didn't actually tell you how I'm changing my life.
Maybe I was too caught up in the why of it all.
To preface, this is how I've decided to change my life,
and I don't think it'll work for everyone.
I think everyone needs to find what works for them.
But I KNOW if you're looking to change your life
then there are going to be things you can do that WILL WORK
and you WILL find them if you start trying.
I started typing and thought I could share it all with you in one go, and then I didn't even get past my morning and realized that wasn't going to happen. I've given changing my life a lot of thought, and I don't want to shortchange anything.
So here's part one...
Start My Day Strong
Like I said earlier...
I was SO ANGRY that there were SO MANY THINGS
I wanted to do and I JUST COULDN'T FIND THE TIME
to get them all done.
No matter what I did...
No matter what I cut out of my life...
No matter how much time I set aside...
I still couldn't fit it all in.
The time would disappear or the day would fill up,
even if I had completely emptied it.
How does a glass fill with water if you don't pour the water into it?
I don't know, but that's basically life.
Life finds a way to use all the time.
I was talking to an elderly friend at church and I asked her what she does with her days, and she told me how busy she was even when she has nothing to do. At the end of the day she's exhausted. I remember in high school I told myself, "I'll do that in college when I'm not so busy." And then in college I told myself, "I'll do that when I graduate, I won't be so busy after college." Then I got married and I told myself, "I'll have so much more time when I get to stay home and just raise this baby." Then I had three of them and thought, "I'll have more time when they're older and don't need me as much."
It's been something I've been coming to grips
with for the last couple years:
YOU WILL NEVER BE LESS BUSY.
Never.
Like literally, NEVER.
And you will never not be exhausted.
Whatever stage of life you're in,
if it's not one thing it will be another.
So I decided I'd have to make time where there wasn't any time.
And we've cut so much out of our lives trying to find more time already.
We don't even watch TV or movies during the week because we don't have time! (That doesn't count having a podcast on while I clean or a TV show on for background noise, I'm talking sitting down and watching something.)
Where was I going to make the time?
I didn't have anything else to cut!
Well....sleep. I cut sleep.
Now part of starting the day right ties in a lot with ending the day right, but I'll try to keep this chronological as best I can, and it'll just circle back.
If you haven't noticed, I was so angry that no matter what I did
1) I wasn't waking up rested, and
2) I wasn't getting done everything I wanted to get done...
so of course the two kind of ended up going hand in hand.
I don't know how else to fit in some things
that I've desperately needed in my life.
Waking Up Early
Instead of the 8 hours I have been trying to get for years,
I've accepted 6-7 hours as the norm on the weekdays.
I force myself to get out of bed at 5 or 5:30am.
And let me tell you it has not been easy.
I think the first week was the hardest.
Now that I've been doing it for awhile,
my body just kind of wakes up around then anyways.
So that's nice, that even though it's still hard every morning,
it's not nearly as hard as it was that first couple of weeks.
One of the excuses I had for not waking up early was for years every time I would try to wake up early to do ANYTHING the kids would wake up and want to do whatever I was doing with me. I tried to do yoga in the mornings with the sunrise a year or so ago...I NEVER did one by myself. I'd get 10 mins in and someone would walk into the room "Good morning, whatchya doin' mom? Can I join you?" If I said yes, I didn't get my alone time and get little feet in my face or flailing hands and elbows smacking me as they fell over. If I said no, they'd go play and then start fighting and the peaceful quiet morning was over. So I gave up, because it was NOT working.
But the kids haven't gotten up with me at 5:00am...so maybe that was the magic hour this whole time or maybe they're just growing up. I have 8 & 9 year old teenagers. Lord help me I'm not ready for the teenage years, and Jacob reminds me often that he'll be 10 this year, and 3 years away from a "teen".
Another excuse was I'm just so dang tired all the time,
I can't possibly give up that precious sleep.
But I've not been able to have a "perfect" week.
At least once, maybe twice a week, I convince myself that I need that extra hour, and I test my theory that waking up is actually good for me. And do you know what happens EVERY time? The day is not better. I am not more rested, if anything I've noticed on those days I'm MORE tired. Not starting my day off right makes the day worse...so I'm trying to tell that little voice in my head that says, "the covers are so warm, just another hour more" to shut the hell up and that I'm the one making the decisions here, and I say we're getting up.
*Remember*
This is what has been working for me.
Maybe you're not a morning person and never will be.
Maybe you're in a phase of life where every hour does count.
I was reading my blog posts from 2018...I had 3 babies, I was dealing with a crippling depression, and mourning the loss of my sister...I slept a lot and can't imagine forcing myself to get out of bed at that ungodly hour during that time of my life.
So maybe 5:00am is not right for you...
but I would suggest the next part,
whatever time you roll out of bed,
make enough time to sincerely and thoughtfully pray.
Prayer
I wanted to pray. Like really pray. Like actually kneel down and commune with my Father in Heaven. Well turns out when I really pray, it can take upwards of 10 minutes. Where do I find that 10 minutes of quiet, uninterrupted time during the day or evening? No where. I've tried, and I can't find it anywhere. Something always needs my attention, and it's usually someone trying to murder someone else. When I wake up at a more decent hour, the day is already starting, and I just start running. I wake up and my heart is already racing with all the stuff that needs to get done as the dog is whining cause she's got to pee and kids are yelling from across the hall that we're out of toothpaste.
But these last few weeks (has it been months? I've lost track of time) I've truly seen a remarkable change. 5:00am the world is still asleep and I'm the only one awake. There is nothing needing my attention, because nothing has started yet. Taking that time to pray has been life changing. I have been able to feel His strength and presence daily as I navigate the challenges that get thrown my way. It hasn't made my life easier, but it's made me strong enough to bear it....most of the time.
And then when I'm not strong enough, I more easily turn to Him because I started my day off turning to Him. When I can't seem to see any way out of the darkness, I feel the Holy Ghost comfort me, mourning with me, and letting me know it's going to be okay.
Exercise & The Dog
I can already hear you.
"But Courtney, you don't need to wake up at 5:00am
to get 10 minutes to pray, 6:00am would be plenty of time."
Well hang on, there are A LOT more things that I want to get done.
That time is gonna fill up fast.
This cute thing is a lot to handle. I love her, but I will never get another Australian Shepherd. Way to high energy for me. If I don't get her enough exercise she goes crazy and I can't handle it. But where is there time? Well, if I made time to pray by waking up early, why not go exercise myself and the dog? I'm starting slow, walking, sometimes running. I want to eventually do other exercises, but starting is good enough for now. I'm so grateful that the 10-20 minutes I get her in the morning seems to be helping so much. Then we try to take everyone on a walk/go to the dog park after lunch so she can REALLY exercise. I mean when I run with her she seems to say, "Mom, this is not running, this is walking, come on!" But when I throw that ball she books it! "Look mom, this is what running is supposed to look like!"
The walking/running has been good for me too. I imagine that the euphoria I feel must be something akin to what coffee drinkers feel in the morning. My whole body just feels electric and I'm ready to tackle the day.
So I go from, "I don't want to get out of bed," to
"heck yeah, hello sunshine!"
It's an incredible transformation.
Listening to a Prophet's Voice
I have wanted to listen to conference talks for a long time now. I love and learn so much from them! Does anyone else have the goal of listening to every single one starting from the 1970's that are available on LDS Tools? No, just me? Okay cool.
But where to find the time to attentively listen without anyone else butting in? They're not like podcasts where I can just be listening and not fully paying attention cause I'm also keeping an ear on whatever the kids are doing. I actually want to give my full attention while asking God what He wants me to learn from this today, and that takes concentration. Where can I find that quiet time? I don't have another 10-20 minutes to give...so I combined it with the exercise. I thought this isn't going to work, you need to have work out music to get the blood pumping and get you moving! But it's been working for me. As the talk wraps up I start to make my way home. The talk ends, I put my headphones away, I listen to the birds wake up, I marvel at the sun rising and finish praying and pondering what I learned.
It has been awe inspiring. God has truly answered my prayers through these talks. I'll give another example when I wrap this up, but here's a quick one. Riley has kind of been obsessed with prayer, and has told me multiple times that she asked God a question and He didn't answer her. So we've had lots of conversations, and after the 5th or 6th time now I'm starting to get upset. What is she not getting about what I'm trying to teach her? So I'm pondering about it, praying about it, and I'm running and a talk from 1979 comes on. He's talking specifically to the children. He tells them that we have done a great job teaching them how to pray, but what is just as important that may have been neglected is how to recognize answers to prayers. It was the answer to my prayer. I shared the talk with the kids, we talked about what we learned for over a week, and by the end of it I think Riley understood that it is a lifelong endeavor to learn to listen to the Spirit and that it's okay if at 8 years old you aren't perfect at recognizing answers from prayers! That talk helped teach all of us, and helped me teach my kids, and God sent it to me because I was pondering and praying about it, and I made the time in my life for Him to answer me.
*Remember*
These are my goals and what has been working for me.
Whether it's the scriptures or the modern day prophets or both,
I highly suggest that if reading or listening to them is not already
a part of your daily routine that you set aside some time in your life
to let God speak to you and teach you. I highly suggest multitasking
if you can't find a time...make one! For example, driving is a
great time to listen! You're stuck in the car, might as well,
it's not like you can do anything else useful during that time.
Unless you have found something useful during that time,
I'd love to hear about that...I do a lot of driving.
Hygiene
I have had trouble with frequent hygiene ever since I went through my depression a couple years ago. I never want to take a shower, I hate it. I'm not gross, but if I'm not seeing people or going anywhere I'm not getting in the water. But I knew that had to change, and I had to be the one to change it. I don't have my mother here to tell me to get my butt in the shower whether I want to or not, I have to mother myself and force myself to do it. I've again had lots of excuses, valid or not, like I can't ever make the time or when I leave the kids for 20 minutes a portal to hell opens up in my home. I also have fallen into the "it's okay to stay in pjs all day cause you're just staying home anyways" mentality, and it was killing me.
Well, here's another thing I have a hard time making time for...
add it to the morning routine. Fits kinda perfectly after exercising. It's been really good for my mental health. Now I'm enjoying and looking forward to the showers, but maybe a little too much now. I will sometimes spend a little too much time getting ready and oh look at the time the kids were supposed to be up half an hour ago, whoops... I get dressed even if I'm not leaving the house, and it's been pretty awesome. No more excuses of I'm not going anywhere, I'll stain my clothes when I'm cleaning...no. Just put on an apron and deal with it. PJ days are still going to happen, but they will no longer be the norm.
Looking my best and feeling clean...
it's nice to prove the science by putting it to the test.
I've had a couple days where I said forget it, I'm not going anywhere I'm not getting dressed. It wasn't a "let's have a pajama day", it was a "I'm not doing it today" day, and that is a very big difference even if at first glance it doesn't seem like it. On the days where I "give up" I'm trying to make my life more comfortable, easier, and it's not. It is never more comfortable, it is never easier, so why would I do that if it doesn't serve the purpose it was supposed to?
Now purposeful pajama days are still a thing, every other week or so,
and they're a conscious choice and they're amazing.
Morning Chores
The two I do first thing after I'm ready for the day
and I've woken up the kids are
make the bed and start a load of laundry.
It's been so easy to rationalize not making the bed. My room is a mess anyways, there's no point I'm just going to get back in it tonight, I'm too busy...but it's really made our room and therefore our home brighter and happier. When you look your best you feel better, I can't help but see that it's the same for my room. Laundry is also the bane of my existence, well, one of them anyways. I've realized if I'm not doing two loads a day the laundry just piles up. If I don't do it first, it doesn't happen. I start the day, leave the upstairs, and don't look back. By the time I'm back upstairs it's bedtime and I can barely keep my eyes open enough to do anything, my brain is melting and is barely working let alone capable of understanding rational arguments like "you need to do a load of laundry or you'll regret it later."
So first things first, set up the day for success.
It's much easier to put a load in the dryer while passing by
than to stop whatever it is you're doing to sort a load and get it in.
This book wasn't really what I thought it was going to be,
but the title grabbed my attention and it was a fun read.
You can build yourself the way you want to be.
And that's basically my strong morning.
Starting my day off right, building myself the way I want to be.
I am so grateful that I'm finding what is actually working for me.
I feel like I've spent years doing trial and error,
and to finally find something that works and is sustainable
is a very liberating feeling. I definitely sleep in on the weekends,
and if crazy things happen like we need to go to Cali for a week
for a funeral or we're up until the wee hours of the morning
for goodness knows what, then my 5am routine probably isn't happening.
Good goals need to be flexible. What if you get sick, or break your leg, are you really going to go for a run? No, probably not.
I think the second thing I'm most grateful for is that
God has shown me that no matter how hard you try,
or how well you plan, or how much you work...
crap is still going to happen.
I have still had plenty of days where I got mad,
for good reasons or no reasons.
I got frustrated.
And I ask God why am I so sad?
Isn't getting my life together supposed to stop me
from feeling like a failure?
From feeling so useless and pathetic and insecure?
No, it's not.
The truth is that life will still be hard.
You can do everything right
and that will not stop bad things from happening to you.
That will not stop you from feeling terrible things.
When you decide to change your life
that's when the devil will come out in force to stop you.
He wants you lulled and complacent,
comfortable where you are in your little corner.
He wants you to sit down and shut up,
be happy where you are and don't dare dream of anything better.
Growing is hard, it's true. It's scary...but it's worth it.
I had had a really hard week. I blew up at the kids a couple of times, and I hated myself for it. I had to cancel our piano lessons because somehow we hadn't practiced all week, and it's not like we were just piddling around. We were full on doing stuff, good and important stuff, but piano didn't get done. That wasn't the only thing not getting done. We haven't been consistent with chores, and a great many other things, and I snapped.
Here I am trying to change my life, and it's not perfect.
Why isn't everything just falling into place?
Why can't I fit it all in?
Am I really asking for too much?
I've looked at everything I want to get done,
and I've cut out half of it to the bare necessities,
and still can't fit it all and I'm going crazy.
So what now?
I remembered a talk last year from Elder Uchtdorf and I remembered I was feeling the same feelings last year. And I remembered this talk, I remembered the spirit I felt, so I went and looked it up. I downloaded it so I could listen to it during my morning exercise. I prayed what felt like all night, repenting for how I spoke to my children and asking not only for forgiveness but also for answers. How do I do it all? How do I change? How do I get better? How do I accept what I am able to do when it isn't anything close to what I want to do?
I felt like I didn't sleep at all. It felt like I wrestled with God all night. In the morning when the alarm went off at 5am I did not feel tired, or condemned. I felt hopeful, knowing that somehow, someway, God was going to walk with me today and help me figure this out.
Uchtdorf starts off with the Widow's Mite. I don't know if the widow was old or young, had no children, or young or old children, had a way to make a living or not...I don't know, but I do know that Jesus said she gave all she had.
That immediately got me thinking of myself. If I had all the time in the world I would do everything I wanted to do...but I don't have all the time, I barely have enough time to do what I need to do, let alone what I want to do. For example, this is the second night I've given up an hour of sleep in order to write this, and it might take another night...and the laundry has gotten backed up because while I've been consistent in washing 2 loads a day I have not been consistent in putting away 2 loads...but that's another story for the next post about changing my life. The point is I'm sacrificing something that needs to get done for something I want to do because there is just not enough hours in the day...and what little I'm able to do is enough.
If her two mites were enough then what few simple things I do get done during the day, even if it's not everything I wanted (or needed) to get done, if I tried my best then it was enough because it truly is my heartfelt all.
He asked "We are already stretched so thin. How can we balance the many demands of life with our desires to offer our whole souls to the Lord?"
I've had to learn many times over again that learning takes time, and it takes practice, and you should not be upset when you fail or make mistakes. Did you get mad at your babies when they were learning to walk and they plopped down on the floor or took a tumble? No! You cheered them on when they fell and continued to encourage them to try again. That doesn't ever change.
Uchtdorf gave the analogy of a bicycle.
Once you know how to ride it, you don't even think about balancing on it. You just start riding and enjoy the scenery.
"Those who succeed in balancing on a bicycle
learn these important tips:
Don’t look at your feet.
Look ahead.
Keep your eyes on the road in front of you.
Focus on your destination. And get pedaling.
Staying balanced is all about moving forward."
Keep your eye on Christ and move forward,
and you'll get where you want to go."
He then talked about airplanes (of course)
and how they need forward thrust to get them in the air.
They won't get anywhere by staying still.
And it must be constant, or ya know, they fall out of the sky.
"The Savior is the motivating power behind all that we do. He is not a rest stop in our journey. He is not a scenic byway or even a major landmark. He is 'the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by [Jesus Christ].'
That is the Way and our ultimate destination.
Balance and lift come as we 'press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.'"
When he said that the Savior is the motivating power behind ALL that we do, I was thinking about getting the dishes done, getting dinner ready, teaching my children all the things they need to learn, getting them to where they need to be, getting them all the experiences I can, organizing my craft table so I can do a craft because the last time it was cleaned it was cluttered again not a day later, finishing our master bathroom so I can have my room and my bathroom back...I wasn't thinking about being a disciple, but everything that I do I don't do just for kicks and giggles...
I tell you, it was no longer Elder Uchtdorf speaking.
I felt like God was speaking directly to me.
"And what about the many tasks and responsibilities that make our lives so busy? Spending time with loved ones, going to school or preparing for an occupation, earning a living, caring for family, serving in the community—
where does it all fit in?
The Savior reassures us: 'Your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.'
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
It requires both sacrifice and consecration.
It requires letting some things go and letting other things grow...
As we seek to purify our lives and look unto Christ in every thought, everything else begins to align. Life no longer feels like a long list of separate efforts held in tenuous balance.
Over time, it all becomes one work.
One joy.
One holy purpose.
It is the work of loving and serving God.
It is loving and serving God’s children.
When we look at our lives and see a hundred things to do, we feel overwhelmed. When we see one thing—loving and serving God and His children, in a hundred different ways—then we can work on those things with joy.
This is how we offer our whole souls—by sacrificing anything that’s holding us back and consecrating the rest to the Lord and His purposes."
And then I started sobbing.
My poor dog was looking at me like I was crazy...
"My dear brothers and sisters and my dear friends, there will be times when you wish you could do more. Your loving Father in Heaven knows your heart. He knows that you can’t do everything your heart wants you to do.
But you can love and serve God.
You can do your best to keep His commandments.
You can love and serve His children.
And your efforts are purifying your heart
and preparing you for a glorious future.
THIS is what the widow at the temple treasury seemed to understand. She surely knew that her offering would not change the fortunes of Israel, but it could change and bless her—because, though small, it was her all.
So, my dear friends and beloved fellow disciples of Jesus Christ, let us not be “weary in well-doing, for [we] are laying the foundation of a great work.” And out of our small things will proceed “that which is great.”
I was very grateful that I was in a little alcove away from the street and passing cars and people on their way to work. I have not often felt the need to kneel out in the open, whenever I pray in public it's just silently in my heart...but I felt overwhelmed by the spirit and could not help myself. I knelt down and thanked God for loving me so much to send me this answer to my prayers, teaching me and comforting me.
If that wasn't enough...
I have a goal to get through the last conference talks before next conference. Well conference is now a week away, and at first my goal was 1 a day when I had a month before conference, then it was 2 a day, now it's three. So I thought, why not get my three out of the way since I'm on a roll.
Going to the last conference I listened to Follow Jesus Christ with Footsteps of Faith, where Elder M. Russell Ballard talked about how hard life is and how Christ will carry us through difficult times. Again God telling me that this life will be hard no matter what, but I do not have to do it alone and with Christ all things are possible. Then I listened to Beauty for Ashes: The Healing Path of Forgiveness, where Sister Kristin M. Yee talked about forgiveness and how Christ heals not only the one who has been sinned against but also the sinner. How incredible, after I wrestled with God all night while repenting and part of me wishing I could burn in hell because of the words I said...and here Christ was saying I forgive you, I will heal not only your children, but I will heal you too. And the last one, Be Perfected in Him, where Elder Paul V. Johnson spoke of being changed through God's grace. He told the story of his grandson who needed a bone marrow transplant so his body could make blood the right way again. He talked about how his grandson did not have the power to save himself. Even though he couldn't save himself, he could do everything the doctors asked, even though they were difficult and challenging. And just as his grandson's blood's DNA changed and was now his brother's blood, so we to become new when we allow Jesus to change our hearts.
Just in case I needed to hear it again, this morning on the way to church we listened to Wholehearted. I was again reminded that Christ is more concerned with my growth than with my comfort and trials and troubles are part of the package. Simply doing something like taking a step forward in faith, and you'll find that in the process of acting you'll look and see that you have already become. The trials and troubles do not mean that God doesn't love you or you've done something wrong, it is part of the plan and we are to use them as teaching opportunities.
When I listened to the last conference I did not get all of this.
And you may read these talks and take something
totally different away from them.
But I know that as you search for answers you will find them,
especially if you're willing to get on the bicycle and start pedaling.
I know that His grace is sufficient.
It will take time.
It will be challenging.
We are going to stumble and fall along the way.
But His grace is enough...
and if our efforts are our heartfelt all,
they are enough.
I also know that we are capable of incredible things,
and if we're teamed up with Christ and focused on Him
and letting the refiner's fire roar through us...
anything is possible.
Let's do this.
