I am no stranger to losing friends. 

I've had people in my life that I've loved that chose to leave... 

most often for reasons unknown to me.

 

But this is new to me.

Losing people that I love, 

but this time I know exactly why I lost them. 

 

First let me give you a little background.

 

I was going crazy. 

I was having a full fledged breakdown. 

And it was slowly getting worse. 

Ever since March I've been with my kiddos 24/7. 

Because of Covid my village was taken from me. 

No help...no family, no friends, 

everything closed down that could have helped me through this

like parks, the zoo, every other kind of amusement or learning place. 

 

I needed a break. 

I wanted to go away, somewhere green, 

to see the outside and breathe the fresh air

and let the kids wander and explore...

 

But either I wasn't clear 

or I was ignored.

So I chose to cancel our family plans 

and told Robbie I needed some alone time. 

This was a Thursday afternoon. 

 

And it all went downhill from there.

I don't even remember when this was, a month ago, two,

(four or six by the time I finally post this?)

I can't keep time straight since we've been "quarantined"... 

Everything blends together.

 

The riots were happening, "peaceful protests" as they were called...

I know that's probably not helpful for a timeline 

because there's been quite a few of them this year...

but I saw something that made me sick.

Almost every single one of my friends on Facebook was 

apologizing because of the color of their skin. 

And then I saw something that made my skin crawl.

 

I saw a black man walk up to a random white woman 

and told her he wanted to bring her to her knees, and asked her to 

kneel down before him and apologize for her white privilege.  

I saw more white people kneel down and apologize 

for the color of their skin and for the sins of the past.

 

Then I saw white people washing black people's feet 

to apologize for their whiteness.

 

                Then I saw white people kissing black people's feet 

to show solidarity to the cause.

I shared on my own Facebook page my feelings.

Got that?

I shared. On MY OWN PAGE. My OWN OPINION.

Is that clear? 

I didn't share my feelings or opinions with the people 

who were making these disgusting comments.

 I did not tell them on their pages how wrong I thought they were. 

I just shared my opinions... on my page...

And I don't even think my opinion was that crazy,

but apparently it was wrong, very wrong.

I was not allowed to think such things, let alone say them.

I must be taught and corrected by those 

who are so much wiser and righteous than I.

 

I said something along the lines of

"I will not apologize for something I have not done 

or something I am not. I will not kneel before anyone but my God 

and will not kiss the feet of anyone but my Savior." 

 

That's it.

 

Astonishing, ground breaking, blasphemous, 

I know.

 

 And then my friends who lean left decided to tell me how wrong I was. 

How because of the color of my skin I was more privileged than 

those who had darker color skin. All of the reasons that were proposed 

I suggested had more to do with personal choices than systemic racism 

and white superiority and privilege. They said they had no idea where this was 

coming from, and so I showed them these videos of these things happening to 

answer their question. I told them I don't want to start our "conversation" again, 

just that I wanted to show them why I shared on my page my opinion...

and then they started in on me... again...after I asked them not to...

 

And then I had a person tell me how I was smarter than she was because I had lighter skin. How even though we went to school for the same thing, I would be the one who would get the job because I have higher test scores, because of the color of my skin. Because my parents had more money for tutors because of the color of their skin...

 

Which is all bull shit, but how would she know? 

Did she ever take the time to get to know me or my family?

Just assuming something about someone

because of the color of their skin?

 

Sounds pretty racist to me.

 

Then one of my best friends shared that she would unfriend racists and bigots...which is all fine and dandy, except when we disagree on what an actual racist and bigot is. 

I didn't want to stick around to find out

 if I was going to make the cut.

Now you have to remember where I was mentally and emotionally. 

I was having a breakdown, I was already at my breaking point, 

barely keeping it together...

and it was just getting worse and worse.

 

I don't handle contention well. Partly because I think it's evil.

I try my very best not to pick fights, but to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I try to listen to other people's opinions, but not when they are presented in such a disrespectful and contentious way.

So I reached out to my very best friend. 

The one woman I loved more than any other in this whole world.

I shared my pain, about how life was going, my breakdown, 

and how my friends on the left seem to think that it's okay

 to just ram you with their opinions without your permission. 

Like vomit they just spew their ideas all over you, 

without your consent. 

And they just expect you to take it and say thank you. 

They can't accept that someone could POSSIBLY

 have a different opinion, or imagine why they have that opinion. 

How these same people are the ones who are always saying 

you shouldn't have discussions over facebook 

and here they are forcing a contentious debate...on facebook... 

How I felt so disrespected. 

How even though I know we disagree on things 

I would never dream of just slamming her with my opinions 

about how wrong I think she is, because I have respect for her.

Three days...

I didn't break in three days,

this breakdown was months in the making...

but three days was all it took to finally break me. 

Saturday morning I was trying to leave 

even though I had wanted to leave on Thursday. 

One thing after another, 

like wanting to leave Thursday not happening, 

Friday night didn't happen because Robbie's car needed 

new tires and he couldn't get it done till Saturday morning...

And while waiting for him on Saturday morning it happened.

My very best friend in the entire world struck the final blow. 

The final dagger to my heart.

And my breakdown was complete.

I got a Facebook message.

Not a phone call. Not a text. Not a reply to my Marco Polo. 

A Facebook message...

 

She sent me one of those videos about white privilege, 

a day or two after I had sent her that message...

you know, the video message I sent her where I was crying and spilling my heart about how hurt I was by my leftist "friends" and how they think it's okay to treat people like this? 

  I broke. 

I completely broke apart.

I came to two conclusions as I was 

convulsing on the floor unable to control the tears. 

One

She listened to my message and decided that she would do exactly what was causing me pain. That she listened to me cry and then decided, what the hell, she's wrong about this and I need to set her straight her pain be damned. 

Two

She decided not to listen to my message at all. She chose, instead of listening to what I had to say, to input her unwanted and unsolicited opinion because she knows what's best. This woman that I shared everything with and who I thought loved and respected me despite our many differences, either couldn't be bothered, or didn't care.

 

And on top of everything else, 

I couldn't take this. 

 

I ran. 

Robbie had the kids, and I drove till I hit the ocean.

 

After three hours of feeling the sun on my face, 

the wind in my hair, then finally smelling the 

salt of the ocean and feeling the sand on my feet,

 I had decided. 

I decided that I was not going to be fed shit.

I would not bite, chew, repeat, and smile and say thank you. 

So I went back to the car and started purging. 

I got rid of any and all social media sites. 

Turns out Facebook won't let you just delete it, 

it takes at least a month, and that's if you did it right 

and hit all the right buttons.

 

I was heartbroken.

 

I'm still heartbroken.

 

I lost them. 

I lost her. 

I lost them either because I overreacted 

while I was having a breakdown, 

or I lost them because they couldn't respect my different opinion.

 

I've wondered, do I reach out to her? 

Do I even want her in my life?

 

Part of me says yes, 

that kind of love doesn't just go away. 

My heart yearns for our friendship to be put right...

Part of me says no, 

I can't have that kind of disrespect and disregard in my life.  

A burn like that can be forgiven, but can it be forgotten...

 

Every day I wonder how she's doing. 

Every day I wonder if I should reach out 

and apologize for over reacting. 

It's not like we haven't had fights before.

But this one. 

This one feels different.

 

I don't know.

And my heart aches.  

My heart also aches because I believe that white privilege, 

white guilt, and the black lives matter movement is racist and evil.

I was going to have this huge essay like explanation of why I think these things. But I think I won't. Either you agree with me or you don't. Either way is fine by me. If we ever meet up in person and you want to hear my opinion, I'd be more than happy to share it with you. And I'd love to hear yours, whether it's different or the same. But I will not tolerate any bullshit, or disrespect. I will call you out on it, as respectfully as I can. I mean, I'm not perfect either... 

My mom shared a story of losing one of her friends too.

It sounded eerily similar to mine. 

My dad always has said that my mom is his best friend, 

and he doesn't need anyone else.  

I never understood that until now. 

Robbie and I have always been best friends.

But realizing that you can really only have one best friend, 

and that's your spouse,

 has been a lesson I'm grateful to have learned.

I've learned that some people are really awful communicators. That some people are toxic. That some people are more acquaintances than friends, but you call them friends just to be polite because acquaintance sounds just a little rude. I've learned that you need to communicate well with your friends, but you shouldn't give them your whole heart. Because unlike your spouse, they are not married to you. That relationship can suddenly become one sided. Or maybe it was one sided all along and it just became glaringly obvious how much you've loved and trusted and it has not been reciprocated...just stomped and spit upon. I've learned that you have to set boundaries with friends, even good ones. You can love, share, trust, but not too much...I'm not saying don't be a good friend, I'm not saying don't love or share or trust or be there for people when they need you...I'm saying guard your heart. Give of yourself, but remember that you can't control other people, and people can be jerks...or turn into jerks...You can only control yourself, your response and reactions, your boundaries. 

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. 

Be a good friend, and good friends will come. 

Be your spouse's best friend.

Makes friends with your family. 

I never thought my mom would be one of my friends, 

but I've called her just to chit chat about stuff more this year than ever. I never thought my dad would be one of my friends, and we've had more late night discussions than I can count. And playing poker with them and Robbie is so much fun.

Hope for the best.

Plan for the worst.

Live and learn.

And love.

With love comes pain...it's just a fact of life.

Just be prepared, then maybe it won't hurt as much.

Or maybe it will hurt just as much, I don't know.

But people will come into your life and out. 

Whether by death, or choices, yours or theirs,

people will leave you. 

I think if you can accept this fact, without letting it jade you,

you can be a little more prepared for the next time it happens.

Remember the friendship fondly, 

and try not to let the ending tarnish the good times. 

Here's to losing friends. 

Here's to self reflection and personal growth.

Here's to respect.

Here's to love.

Here's to tomorrow.

 

Just One Thing at a Time

I have always, ALWAYS, had the hardest time with follow through. 

I never finish anything. 

(That may be a bit of an exaggeration...but not by much) 

I get so overwhelmed and put way too much on my plate, 

and then the plate falls...and everything falls with it.

 

My eyes are almost always bigger than my stomach.

And all of a sudden my whole world falls apart, and I try to pick it back up,

and I get most of it back on the plate, and then it falls.

Again.

It's like I never learn. 

I never learn that you can't put too much on your plate.

The problem is my perfectionist side says "this is not too much, 

this is what you're supposed to be doing or want to be doing." 

Well, for some reason, I still can't do it. 

I can't do what I expect myself to do, what other's expect me to do, 

and then I can never fully pick up the pieces before they all fall apart again...

and again...and again...

I've been struggling with the concept of failure. 

I know that failure is a learning process, 

but in my brain if something goes wrong I feel this stabbing in my heart. 

Failure is like a knife, stabbing me, again and again and again. 

But failure shouldn't be like knife, it should be more like a refining fire. 

 

Sometimes it's going to hurt, like a mother, but it's not bad...

Trying to rewire your brain to see and feel your mistakes and mishaps and failures 

as stepping stones and opportunities for growth is REALLY hard.

Well here I am. 

Again.

Everything has fallen, but this time I didn't pick up the pieces.

I was so excited for my new years resolutions. 

I was going to get these habits down and change my life. 

And as always, I put way too much on my plate. 

You want to know how many habits I wanted 

to add or change in my life, and right away? 

Eighteen. 

I was going to do them for 30 days and change my life for good. 

I never was able to do all 18 in one day, cause life just happens. 

I gave up after 10 days. To be fair, I think I got sick somewhere in there...

I got pretty down on myself. 

I wanted so badly to succeed. 

But success is what we define it as.

I love this definition: success is being happy and healthy.

Then Covid happened and the kids were at home 

and I was in charge of teaching them.

 

Then I got sick, like deathly ill. 

Robbie had to take care of me and the kids for a week 

because I couldn't get out of bed, or stop coughing. 

I think I had covid, but because I didn't have a fever or loss of taste 

they didn't want me to take a test. No worries that I had every other

 symptom and literally couldn't breathe because I couldn't 

stop coughing and felt like I was dying. 

No fever, no worries.

 

 

Then Robbie got a Plain Jane cold, 

and it took me a month to start feeling healthy and like myself again. 

Then we had to catch up on all the school work, and I learned 

Jacob was really REALLY behind and I got so mad. 

Why didn't I know? 

Why wasn't the teacher sending home homework 

that would help him with things he was struggling with? 

 

So doing the homework wasn't just okay lets do this homework page...

it was let me teach you this principle and this concept, 

and then you have to apply it. 

It was torturous, because I didn't just have to teach the things 

he was being asked to do. I had to teach him all the stuff before it. 

I had to break what he thought he knew,

and rebuild that foundation all over again the right way.

 

What the hell was he doing in school? 

But we made it through.

The school year was over.

And we have had all summer to keep working on those 

foundational principles and really cement them in so he can apply them.

And then I felt like I wanted to do one of my life changing habits. 

I saw this quote about being more intentional and consistant... 

 

“We live intentionally when we think deeply about why we do what we do 

and make the conscious and deliberate effort to incorporate our 

beliefs and values into every aspect of our daily lives.” 

Now I want to try and not put too much on my plate too soon. 

I want to learn to balance one thing, make it a habit, 

so it doesn't seem like a burden when other things are added.

I chose the one thing that I thought would help me the most.

 

Prayer.

And you won't believe the miracles that I have seen.

They may not be very big to you, but they have been life changing to me.

I've had a testimony of this truth before, 

but it always hits me like a ton of bricks every time I see it. 

God's arm is always outstretched. 

It doesn't matter how far we stray from Him, 

he is always there and ready for us to come back. 

 

I got down on my knees and just talked to Him. 

I told Him what he already knew, 

that I have such a hard time praying because I feel like 

I have nothing to say. So I told Him about my plan for making 

prayer a habit. One prayer, every day, for 30 days. 

It doesn't have to be a great prayer, or long, 

it doesn't have to have super specifics, 

I just need to be consistent first and foremost. 

I figure all that other stuff will come with time, like being intentional. 

The very first day that I invited Him into my life, heart, and home,
I felt His love and presence through the day. 

Like I said, it doesn't matter how far or how long we stay away, 

His arm is stretched out still. 

 

Life hasn't been rainbows and butterflies, 

and sometimes my prayers are super short, like 

"thank you that I woke up alive, 

please help me not to kill me kids, 

in Jesus name amen." 

Another little miracle was Jacob. 

About a week in Robbie watched a scripture video 

with them about Abraham and Isaac. 

Later that day Jacob prayed that we would have faith, 

and I about cried. 

 

One of the reasons I have such a hard time being consistent in my prayers, 

besides that it's hard for me for some reason, 

is that I just don't see the point. 

 

Yeah I know what the scriptures say, 

and I can talk to God in my head all the live long day, 

but actually kneeling and taking a few minutes to 

commune with my Father in Heaven? 

 

Every day? 

 

Well in my experience, if you don't do it every day it's 

definitely harder to ask for His help when you need it. 

Instead I turn to other sources, like my social media and tv addiction. 

Not the worst, but definitely less healthy than prayer. 

It doesn't fill my life with joy, if anything it sucks the joy away. 

Anyways, here was a miracle coming from the mouth of babes. 

 

I started to pray that I would have faith in prayer. 

 

I want to have faith, I want to pray, but it's so hard for me and then 

I just want to give up, throw my hands in the air and say 

it doesn't work. 

 

So here I am in the second week, and my consistent prayers 

have brought the spirit into my life, heart and home. 

I even have the desire to read my scriptures, 

which is another thing I've always struggled with. 

Day 11-13 was rough, I wasn't feeling well, 

and I just kept thinking "consistent consistent consistent"...

I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to learn. 

To learn about myself and how my brain works. 

This self awareness is really helping me to be the person I want to be. 

This time instead of doing it all at once, I'm going to take it one step at a time. 

I'm going to make one habit, and then another, and then another. 

 

I'm not going to beat myself up when I fail, 

because failure is just part of the learning curve. 

Some days I miss some things, other days I'll miss other things. 

That's life. 

 

 

So if you're anything like me, I hope that you'll try one thing...just one. 

And if you don't feel like you can do one more thing right now, 

if you can, just drop it. 

 

Drop it all, and then start over. 

Pick up the things that are good for you,

 that you have to do and you know you can handle, 

and then slowly but surely pick up the rest. 

 

I'm sure you'll find you were holding things 

you didn't need or were unhealthy for you. 

I also strongly suggest trying to make a habit instead of just a goal.

 It should be SMART and research shows if you do something for 30 days 

your brain does it so much easier. It's a foundation you can build on.

 

 

I also suggest prayer. 

If you don't believe in God, then I definitely suggest meditation. 

It helps you understand yourself, it helps you commune, 

and it brings a power and peace into your life that nothing else can. 

I feel like prayer has been like turning on the wifi. 

Just by praying I've felt a connection, 

and everyday you have to wake up and turn it on again. 

 

Who doesn't want to be connected to wifi?

There's a difference between feeling down every once in awhile, 

and then feeling down all the time because you think you're a failure. 

 

Please, don't think that. 

I beg you, learn to have a good relationship with failure, 

learn how to change yourself for the better, 

and change your life one thing at a time.

 

And I will do the same.

 

I have a funny feeling I'll have to keep learning this over and over again.

That doesn't sound like such a bad thing.

 

 

Calm Voice & Fair Dinkum

Happy New Year!

I hope that you have all been having a wonderful time getting over the holidays and trying to set goals and habits and rituals, instead of just resolutions that we'll give up on by March (if not February).

Robbie and I made it to the second tool in the tool box:

The Calm Voice

And boy did I need that lesson at that time.

I think that day was one of the worst yelling days of my life.

Riley was doing what daughters do best, 

make it possible for Nana's to say "that's exactly how you behaved".

It was not pretty.

I don't know how many times I've taught her how to fold her clothes, and I'd had it. I wasn't going to tell her again how to do it, she needed to remember. I was beyond done. I should have just walked away and thrown all her clothes in a garbage bag until she decided she was ready...but I couldn't let it go. 

I yelled. So bad. 

I hated myself for it. 

And then that night we had the lesson on The Calm Voice.

So on top of 1 on 1 time, we've been trying really hard not to yell. 

And like 1 on 1 time, some days we are more successful than others.

Amy really wanted us to understand what it felt like to be yelled at, so she made us imagine we were small like our children. How would you feel if an all knowing and capable giant was making you feel like crap? You'd feel pretty crummy, and not want to listen to said giant. Hence the power struggles. 

Some days are better than others.

For example, today has been a pretty darn good day. I was able to get my butt out of bed (which I know for many of you may not be such an amazing feat of strength, but it is for me) and help my kids get out the door on time. I got home and was able to finish the chore I wanted to do before volunteering in Jacob's class. I had 15 minutes to spare, so I decided to take some time to meditate. I read the talk True Disciples of the Savior, and I came across something that really helped me.

"Giving our all doesn’t mean that we will be continually enveloped in blessings or always have success. But it does mean that we will have joy. Joy is not fleeting pleasure or even temporary happiness. Joy is enduring and is founded on our efforts being accepted by the Lord."

He talked about fair dinkum, which is slang for genuine, and being fully committed. Doing your best gives you the most joy.

How can I do my best when I'm not doing my best? 

How can I have success when I feel like I'm failing at everything?

What if I'm having a bad day with my depression? What if my anxiety is making my whole life go on the fritz? What if I mess up and I yell, or can not do one on one time because it feels like it just may literally kill me?

My friend told me what her therapist said. You're not always going to be at 100%. Sometimes you're going to be at 90%, or 75%, and on really bad days you'll be under 50%. But you can give 100% of whatever percentage you're at. You have to be self aware, to know your limits, to mess up and to keep trying.

If you can do your best, the best with what you have for that day, 

then that is good enough for God...

and it should be good enough for you.

So if you have already messed up on your resolutions,

try to change them into goals, or habits, or rituals.

And try again.

Be happy with your efforts. No one is at 100% all the time, so figure out where you're at each day (and maybe it'll change throughout the day) 

 and adjust your expectations for yourself. 

And your 100% is not someone else's 100%. 

Don't compare, just do YOUR best, not their best. 

And just keep going in the right direction, we'll get there eventually.

And isn't that the point?

I came home from volunteering and did what I've wanted to do for weeks, 

share and write down my thoughts. 

Now that I've done that, the rest of the day is ahead of us.

And it's going to be wonderful,

no matter what happens.