Happy New Year!
I hope that you have all been having a wonderful time getting over the holidays and trying to set goals and habits and rituals, instead of just resolutions that we'll give up on by March (if not February).
Robbie and I made it to the second tool in the tool box:
The Calm Voice
And boy did I need that lesson at that time.
I think that day was one of the worst yelling days of my life.
Riley was doing what daughters do best,
make it possible for Nana's to say "that's exactly how you behaved".
It was not pretty.
I don't know how many times I've taught her how to fold her clothes, and I'd had it. I wasn't going to tell her again how to do it, she needed to remember. I was beyond done. I should have just walked away and thrown all her clothes in a garbage bag until she decided she was ready...but I couldn't let it go.
I yelled. So bad.
I hated myself for it.
And then that night we had the lesson on The Calm Voice.
So on top of 1 on 1 time, we've been trying really hard not to yell.
And like 1 on 1 time, some days we are more successful than others.
Amy really wanted us to understand what it felt like to be yelled at, so she made us imagine we were small like our children. How would you feel if an all knowing and capable giant was making you feel like crap? You'd feel pretty crummy, and not want to listen to said giant. Hence the power struggles.
Some days are better than others.
For example, today has been a pretty darn good day. I was able to get my butt out of bed (which I know for many of you may not be such an amazing feat of strength, but it is for me) and help my kids get out the door on time. I got home and was able to finish the chore I wanted to do before volunteering in Jacob's class. I had 15 minutes to spare, so I decided to take some time to meditate. I read the talk True Disciples of the Savior, and I came across something that really helped me.
"Giving our all doesn’t mean that we will be continually enveloped in
blessings or always have success. But it does mean that we will have
joy. Joy is not fleeting pleasure or even temporary happiness. Joy is
enduring and is founded on our efforts being accepted by the Lord."
He talked about fair dinkum, which is slang for genuine, and being fully committed. Doing your best gives you the most joy.
How can I do my best when I'm not doing my best?
How can I have success when I feel like I'm failing at everything?
What if I'm having a bad day with my depression? What if my anxiety is making my whole life go on the fritz? What if I mess up and I yell, or can not do one on one time because it feels like it just may literally kill me?
My friend told me what her therapist said. You're not always going to be at 100%. Sometimes you're going to be at 90%, or 75%, and on really bad days you'll be under 50%. But you can give 100% of whatever percentage you're at. You have to be self aware, to know your limits, to mess up and to keep trying.
If you can do your best, the best with what you have for that day,
then that is good enough for God...
and it should be good enough for you.
So if you have already messed up on your resolutions,
try to change them into goals, or habits, or rituals.
And try again.
Be happy with your efforts. No one is at 100% all the time, so figure out where you're at each day (and maybe it'll change throughout the day)
and adjust your expectations for yourself.
And your 100% is not someone else's 100%.
Don't compare, just do YOUR best, not their best.
And just keep going in the right direction, we'll get there eventually.
And isn't that the point?
I came home from volunteering and did what I've wanted to do for weeks,
share and write down my thoughts.
Now that I've done that, the rest of the day is ahead of us.
And it's going to be wonderful,
no matter what happens.
