Hello all!

Long time no see!

Or long time no talk, or read, or write...

whatever.

I don't know about you, 

but I've missed me.

If you've been keeping up with me, you'll know that 

October through December of last year I was severely depressed. 

When you're depressed, you literally can't feel joy or happiness. 

You are not yourself.

It's a life sucking kill joy. 

And then January rolled around and I was ready to take on the world.

I was finally myself again! 

But wait, there's more!

I got sick. Not once, but twice. 

Stupid colds.

Then February came on by and I was trying to recover 

from a month of sickness, and I got sick. 

Again. 

But wait, there's more!

March came strolling in and, you guessed it, I got sick. 

Again.

So, now that almost a quarter of the new year is over,

I'm finally ready to take on the world. 

 Unless some other sickness decides to take up residence in my home.

Dear sickness, you are not welcome.

Now I don't know how you're doing on your goals, 

but I hope you don't let the things that happen in your life 

get in the way of achieving them.

1) Do not touch my eyebrows.

So my first goal of the year is to not touch my eyebrows. 

This last month I had a small set back. Very small.

Robbie was out of town and I was all my by lonesome and the kids were driving me crazy. It was late, and I was on the computer, and all of a sudden I had an itch on my eyebrow and my fingers went up and I felt a hair out of place 

and I chose to pull it. 

It felt so good.

Too bad that it feels so good and looks so bad.

 

Three hairs.

Do you realize it took me three months to grow those hairs?!

Ugh.

But that's okay, because everyone has trials and setbacks. 

Mine just happens to be a compulsion to pull hair. 

My eyebrows are lookin' pretty good now though.

Before

Two weeks ago

Today

2) Read my scriptures and pray every day.

I wanted to share with you that I have not been doing very well with this one. I have had my focus on other things, things that I have deemed are more important. I get mad at God because things are so hard, and instead of turning to him I just retreat into myself and do whatever I want to do, and I don't want to read my scriptures or talk to God. It's like I'm a teenager all over again.

Last week at church the lessons were on prayer and the temple, and I was so grateful for the constant reminder that I get that this is where my priority needs to be. Because if my heart is turned to God, everything else will work out.

We've been taking the gospel principles class, and one section in particular stood out to me.

"At times we may not feel like praying. 

We may be angry or discouraged or upset. 

At these times we should make a special effort to pray 

(see 2 Nephi 32:8–9)...

Our sincere prayers are always answered."

I had the overwhelming feeling that God loves me, and he understands. He is perfect in every way, including being perfect in kindness, forgiveness, understanding, and mercy. The spirit touched my heart and told me that this is why we have a lifetime to learn, and I am so grateful for that. 

I felt like I just need to keep trying, every moment of every day. Making the decision to NOT read my scriptures is not just one decision, it's a whole days worth of decisions. It's choosing not to wake up before the kids, it's choosing to yell and let the kids get to me, it's choosing to do everything else first...and then waiting to read and study and ponder until I'm so tired that I'm about to pass out and I decide that I can't do one more thing. 

Etc, etc. 

It is hard. It is really hard to put the rocks in first.

But it's worth it, and it is a choice.

3) Make more time for friends

Since I was sick and my kids had the sniffles,

we choose to be kind to our friends and not spread our germs.

But we did have friends come in from out of town, 

and even though it's only the second time we've ever met,

I think she's adorable and I loved hanging out with her.

And antiquing in Old Town Clovis?

So much fun.

4) Make Chasing Shelby something great

This is happening!!! I can't claim credit, this is all my momma.

Please save the date, and please share and invite your friends!

Hope to see you there.

5) Write my own piano lesson materials

Heck yeah. This is what I've been excited about!

This is what I've been staying up until the wee hours of the morning doing.

I'm done with Unit One.

I'm so excited. I'm literally bursting at the seams!

6) Do more crafts: 

finish those t-shirt memory quilts

I'm half way done with number one!

Now I'm self taught, so it's a little rough, but let me tell you that it's so much better than the first two memory quilts I ever did.

And a lady whose quilting racks I'm borrowing is going to show me a technique she said I might like, and since I still have three quilts to go I thought I'd look up some more techniques to help perfect my skills. 

Even if I think it's rough, the lady I'm doing this for loves it, so much so she wants me to do one for her daughter, and that makes me so happy that she's happy.

7) Put things away after I take them out

Boo ya, I'm doing pretty darn good at this.

I try to start small, like after I'm done getting ready in the bathroom to take one minute to put it all away, to take that one minute to put my clothes away after I change, to take the three minutes I needed to clean up after a bath, etc etc. It is by small and simple things that great things come to pass.

8) Exercise

Yeah no, I've been sick. 

But now I'm healthy, it's back on the list.

9) Work on riding the depression waves

Yes! It helps that I haven't been in a wave...

But I have had some major ups and downs.

Literally, I'd be up one day and then down the next.

I've been riding these days well. I didn't do laundry for two weeks because I was so sick, and I didn't beat myself up about it. My kids literally had no clean clothes one day and I had to force myself to do laundry, but I didn't guilt trip myself about it. I haven't really cooked, one day my kids had three square meals of cereal, but they were fed and happy and I didn't worry about it. 

I did what I could when I could, 

and I didn't bother about what I couldn't do when I couldn't do it.

It's very liberating, being kind to myself.

10 and 11 I haven't touched, 

but I think that's okay, don't you?

Do you want to hear two really cool things before I let you go?

One, in Relief Society today we talked about coincidence.

"Elder Neal A. Maxwell once explained: “None of us ever fully utilizes the people-opportunities allocated to us within our circles of friendship. You and I may call these intersectings ‘coincidence.’ This word is understandable for mortals to use, but coincidence is not an appropriate word to describe the workings of an omniscient God. He does not do things by ‘coincidence’ but … by ‘divine design.’”

I was at church by myself with the kids because Robbie wasn't feeling well and stayed home. I was asked to sub for our choir pianist next week in Sacrament and so I needed to stay for choir after church to get a gist of what the song sounded like. How was I going to do that with my three kids? I had no idea. 

I was given three little brownies which served as treats to help occupy my kiddos, and then lo and behold my cousins walked through the door. They were going to their ward choir, which happened to be at the same time as our's. They asked me if I needed help, and of course I said yes. They watched the kids outside at the pavilion for a good half hour (it was only supposed to be 15 minutes, but I was also stopped by someone that I'm subbing for next week so I could get the low down on her calling).

Coincidence that I got three brownies and my cousins walked in the door at the exact same time I was wondering what the heck I was going to do with my three rambunctious little ones?

I think not.

Two, Positive Parenting Solutions. 

I did the free webinar and I loved it. 

She promises that you'll never again yell, nag, remind or raise your voice at your kids again because you'll have much more efficient tools to use to discipline your children. No more punishments, discipline and teaching only. 

I did it, I bought the silver package. It's a 30 day money back guarantee, but so far I'm learning so much and loving it. 

I mean, that's a pretty hefty claim to make, never have to yell again?

I'll let you know how it goes. 

I hope that your year is going as well as mine has.

Good luck on your goals and living your dreams!

Also, some of the things that I'm loving lately that are bringing me joy.

I mean, just look at that little baby succulent! And the frost.

 

 I planted some peony's, papaver's, and strawberries. No luck on the strawberries yet, but the peony's and papaver's are starting to come up! I'm so excited. I thought since the anenome's do so well in this spot, I thought the peony's and papaver's would do well here too. The strawberries are in pots on the fence, and I keep hoping they'll grow! I moved my geraniums to the front yard because I figured that my kids and the mold kill them in the backyard, might as well give the sun a shot at killing them too.

Why hello gorgeous.

Until next time...

Update on Goals: February 12th

Keeping your goals is hard. 

Last month I felt like I was on top of the world, 

and then I realized that I still have 11 months to go,

which is comforting for the goals I'm not doing so well on

and daunting for the goals I am doing well on. 

I have a lot of goals, 11 to be exact. 

And they're not so much goals as a 

"Things that I really really want to do" list. 

So instead of telling you what I didn't do, which is a lot, 

I'm going to focus on what I did do, which is also a lot.

1) Do not touch my eyebrows. 

Check!

Before

After

They are making a comeback, that's for sure.

I'm also having nightmares about them, which sucks.

I dream that someone ties me down and plucks out every last eyebrow hair. 

I wake up scared to death that I have to start all over again. 

Dealing with my trichotillomania has not been easy.

I stroke my eyebrows a lot.

But I haven't picked at them. Not once.

It used to be picking them, but in the last few years it's turned into plucking them that has been the drive and desire. It's turned into a bit of body dysmorphia, which is all new to me. But since I've decided to love my body, every little bit of it, I'm learning to love my eyebrows too. I plucked them and picked at them till they were almost non existent because of my disorder, and then it turned into not thinking they were good enough and I had to change them. Now I have a year to grow them out and not touch them with tweezers or makeup, and learn to love them, bushy and bald spots and all. 

And you best believe January 1st 2019 I'm going to clean them up and fill them in a little with makeup. But I'll never again over pluck, because if this year is going to teach me anything, it's that they are perfect the way they are and that I am beautiful. 

Do you want to hear something kind of funny that I remembered the other day? We were on a family vacation one summer, I must have been an early teenager, and someone said to me (I can't remember if it was my mom or dad, or both) that I had to do something about my mustache and my eyebrows because they were so hairy. 

I remember going and sitting in the car, looking in the mirror, looking at my face, looking at something that I had never thought was a problem before. 

To all the women out there...your hair is not a problem. 

Now I admit, I feel better with shaved legs, arm pits, and a freshly threaded face...but you have to love yourself first and foremost, hair and all. And then go shave it off if that's what makes you more comfortable.

Does that make sense?

And don't you ever tell a little girl that she needs to do something like that. Do you know what I thought? I thought that I was ugly, a thought I don't think I had ever had before. We don't need to put on makeup, or dress up, or paint our nails, or lavish ourselves with jewelry and things...we just do those for fun and to accentuate the natural beauty that we already have. But you have to love the natural beauty first, or else all the junk we put on is what makes us beautiful, 

and that's just sad.

2) Read my scriptures and pray every day.

Yeah....I need to figure this out.

 3) Make more time for friends.

We are certainly trying! We love our friends.

4) Make Chasing Shelby something great. 

Like #3, I could be doing better.....

Well, I didn't put this together, but my mom is doing awesome!

 Check it out! 

Orange chicken was Shelby's favorite. I can't wait!

6) Do more crafts, and 7) Put things away 

Well, let me tell you how this has been going, because oh my goodness this has been where my priorities have been.

 My home has been so unorganized that I couldn't get anything done! 

So organizing the craft room was the first on the list.

Boom! Done.

Now I actually have a table to work on!!!

Putting things away is hard if things don't have a place to go.

So I've done a lot of organizing. The craft room, the medicine cabinet, the toys! We took out two black garbage bags full of toys and some other big bulky toys, and the kids rooms are so much better now! 

Jacob said "Thank you for taking the toys out." Wow.

It takes a lot of time to put things away when you have three littles who are constantly pulling things out. And trying to teach them to put things away without completely loosing my crap because I have to repeat myself a million times is very difficult. 

So that's what I've been doing.

Let me tell you a little something about priorities and goals. 

Yesterday at church we were talking about what distracts us from doing the most important things. My answer is easy and obvious: other good things. I spent my entire Saturday night and most of the day doing laundry, I spent almost two weeks organizing that craft room, and I spent a good couple hours making valentines day cards for my friends (I wanted to do a craft, and I loved it!). 

But did I read my scriptures? 

No.

Did I pray sincerely?

No.

What is most important? 

I need to figure out how to keep my priorities straight 

and not get so caught up and distracted by other good things. 

I don't really know how to do that. 

But I'm going to try.

It seems that my goals really can boil down to one goal:

Make the most important things priorities, and do them.

And PS, don't forget to make you time a priority.

 I went thrift store shopping and spent $50 on some amazing finds,

and I spent all of Saturday night and part of Sunday morning pampering and taking care of myself. 

 My first head to toe thrift store outfit. 

And I LOVE this red! I cant believe that I found a skirt the exact same color red as my lipsense! If you can't tell, this makes me super happy.

And PPS...

Another thing that was brought up on Sunday was that God is pleased when we try. We are not going to be able to do everything, and I have daily proof of that. But we can do whatever it is that we are doing and do it well, focus on it and make it something great, and at the end of the day be able to say that you had a good and successful day. 

Do not downplay what you have accomplished 

just because you have not succeeded 

in accomplishing everything.

It is a journey. 

One step at a time. 

 

Articulate

Today in Relief Society our lesson was on Sharon Eubank's talk Turn On Your Light. Our teacher also referred us to our new prophet's talk A Plea to my Sisters. One of the ways Sharon tells us we can turn on our light is by being articulate. As we were discussing this, our dear RS President said "Ask her, she has a blog!" and I about died. Being put on the spot, I'm actually not very good at being articulate. I ramble, and have a hard time making my point. 

Well, I think I still do that in my writing too, and I spend a pretty good deal of time on that and I'm not put on the spot, so...

So I was thinking about it and I wanted to share my thoughts.

I was very grateful that someone things I'm articulate, that I'm good at expressing myself and my feelings clearly. This is how I think I got to where I am, and this is how I plan on continuing to grow more articulate. These are things that everyone can do, no matter how well or not well you think you speak.

To not be afraid or ashamed, 

and to have faith and courage.

Now this is more easily said then done, and is two fold.

In order to be brave, you must also do this.

Know yourself

Know God

Know the scriptures and the gospel

In short, be knowledgeable

But also knowing that you don't have all the answers, and that not every problem needs to be solved right now. You don't have to know everything, but you can know some things and have faith in the rest, and that is good enough. Be patient with yourself and show the same courtesy to others. No one is perfect, especially in speaking, and do you know everything? No. Only God is omnipotent, so don't worry about not knowing everything. Just keep learning.

But you have to work on it, getting to know yourself and know God every single day, or when the time comes to be brave and speak up you won't be able to.

Do not stoop to contention and anger

Learn to walk away

We need to be brave most when we are being attacked, but do not stoop to their level. Stop them right there, tell them the truth that you know, and tell them that you can still love them and disagree with them. Sometimes, they won't even let you get your words out. That's when you walk away, because their hearts are hardened and their ears shut and not one word you say is going to make a difference right then. But you walking away, not in anger, saying that you'd be more than happy to have a discussion in a civilized manner without contention, and that you still love them, that might make a difference. 
If not to them, at least it will to you.

We also need this in normal daily tasks. Not being afraid to pray in public, or talk about our Savior when you know that's what someone needs, or give someone a Book of Mormon, etc etc. 

Always speak with Love

If you're not speaking with love, you're doing it wrong.

Yes, it would be nice if we could have perfect grammar, have a great vocabulary, speak eloquently, know exactly when to pause and what to say at the perfect moment...

But for most of us it's probably not going to happen. 

So don't worry about that stuff. If you want to work on it, do it. 

But for me, right now, it's not a priority.

What is a priority, is being brave. 

Not being afraid to speak the truth, even if it's unpopular.

Continuing to learn and grow my faith and testimony.

Continuing to know myself and my God 

and learn how to become more like my Savior.

Never speaking in anger or contention and learning to walk away.

Always speaking with love.

I know, maybe this doesn't seem very conventional, 

but this is how I have learned to speak. 

I hope that it helps you as much as it has helped me 
in becoming more articulate about sharing the gospel.