I don't know if it's come across in anything I've written, because I've tried to not really tell anyone, and if I do I try to be subtle, but who knows if I succeeded. But since I've told so many people, I guess I kind of failed, so I would like to tell you about the last 6 months of my life.
Robbie and I have been trying to have a baby for a little more than 6 months now.
We tried not to tell anyone because, well, when people hear someone is trying to start their family they just won't shut up about "are you pregnant yet?" "How is it coming?" "Practice makes perfect"...etc etc etc.
And every time someone asked me if I was pregnant yet, especially if I was on my period, I would start bawling.
The reminder that I wasn't was painful.
Conference came in October, and Elder Eyring gave this wonderful talk that lifted my spirits. He told the story of his daughter in law, and how she just couldn't understand why she couldn't have another child! So she decided to dedicate her time to the Lord, and asked Him to direct her paths. And He did. And she was happier, and grateful, and busy...and then pregnant.
So I started to change my attitude. I still cried every time I saw blood in the toilet, but I wasn't spending the day sitting on the couch wallowing in self pity. (not that I did that a lot, but it felt like it). But I was doing more service, thinking of others besides myself. And it has been so wonderful. Not only is service and spending time with family a good thing, but it keeps you busy, and your mind occupied with other things like someone else and their heart aches and hardships.
You start to forget that you feel a small hole in your heart that you can't quite seem to fill.
That little nagging thought of "why me" or "why not me" gets quieter and quieter.
Some days I'd have really good days. I was happy for everyone, and grateful for what I had. One regret that I do have is that I made Robbie feel like I wasn't grateful and happy for him, and if I only had him that it wouldn't be enough. When he told me that I shaped up real quick. I never want my husband to feel like that again. I do love him, and I am grateful for the blessings in my life, and if in the end all I have is him, a fish, a cat, and a dog? I will have been the luckiest girl on earth. And so I started to act like it.
Some days still aren't so good. I'm not perfect. Those days I just stay away from the internet, I don't look at all the amazing pictures of the beautiful new babies being born, and I think tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow I'll be able to look at those pictures of those smiling babies and new mothers and smile with them. But today I'm going to be sad. And I'm going to pray for patience and strength. And I'm going to get my butt up and go help someone.
My friend is trying to have their fourth child, and she called me up after she started her period and realized she wasn't pregnant and said "I know how you feel now".
My visiting teachers came over the other day, and one of them had waited forever and nothing ever happened and finally they were able to adopt three beautiful little girls. She told me all about the adoption process, and I was grateful to learn! Who knows, maybe that will be an option someday. But she said something that I was really grateful for. Many women who have tried to have children have said to me "you've only been trying how long? Wait till you've tried for so and so years, then you will know what waiting and trying feels like". And every time I hear that I think, no, that can't be right. You can't be telling me that what I feel is nothing.
My visiting teacher said it doesn't matter if you're waiting 6 months or 6 years, every day it will feel the same. You will feel the longing, the waiting, the hope, the disappointment. Everyday is different, but the same...until that little baby comes. You're still waiting. It was overwhelmingly comforting to finally have someone acknowledge that I was actually feeling something, that just because I hadn't been waiting for years like some others have, the pain and hope were just as strongly rooted in my heart as theirs.
My Aunt told me a story that really made me see things differently. She told me how they had been trying for a year, and finally their oldest came, and then their youngest came so quickly after the first. Back then, she didn't really know why things happened the way they did...and then a while ago she got this overwhelming feeling of understanding. The group of kids in the class above her oldest is a rough group, and the group of kids in the class below her youngest is also a rough group. She realized that her children came exactly when they needed to, that the Lord had wanted them to come to earth at that exact time and be with the friends they have now. The waiting wasn't for her, it was for her children.
God works in mysterious ways. I'm grateful my Aunt told me this story, it has reminded me that it is not my will, but God's. (obviously it isn't my will...). There must be a reason why I can't have what I want right now. And it is so hard to turn my will over to Him...but everyday I get a little bit stronger. Every day I get a little more patient, a little more understanding, I get a little more done...even if it is a very, very little.
And hope and faith. Doubt and fear and pain really do a number on hope and faith, but every day the battle to let hope and faith win gets easier and easier.
If you have any stories about trying and waiting I'd love to hear them! The stories I've heard have given me strength and hope, and have helped the pain I feel to almost disappear. I hope the stories I've shared with you will give you hope and strength in whatever trials you may be going through.
"It may not be on the mountain height or over the stormy sea, it may not be at the battle's front my Lord will have need of me. But if, by a still, small voice he calls to paths that I do not know, I'll answer dear Lord, with my hand in thine: I'll go where you want me to go. I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord, over mountain or plain or sea; I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord; I'll be what you want me to be."
(and please be sensitive next time you ask "how is the baby making coming along" or say "you'll be having one of those soon" to someone you know is trying...that question or comment just might be to much to bear)
*** Too many people have expressed their condolences after I posted this on facebook. I didn't want pity, or for people to feel sorry for me. I wanted to show how I had progressed over the last 6 months emotionally and spiritually. Don't feel sorry for me, be happy for me! And be happy for life. It is so good now and forever.
*** Too many people have expressed their condolences after I posted this on facebook. I didn't want pity, or for people to feel sorry for me. I wanted to show how I had progressed over the last 6 months emotionally and spiritually. Don't feel sorry for me, be happy for me! And be happy for life. It is so good now and forever.
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