Feelings Are Natural

Life has been going swell.

As many of you who have been reading know, I've been suffering from depression for a couple years now. I want to write a post on it, but not today. Last October through December were some of the hardest months of my life, and I was so depressed that I could hardly even fake a smile, let alone feel happy, even though there was plenty to be happy about. 

So here comes January! New year, new life...or so I was thinking. 

I could feel the waves of depression ebbing away, 

I was ready to start living life to its fullest.

But then we got sick.

And stayed sick for weeks.

Not one week, not two weeks, like three weeks....

Here I was, ready to finally get out of the bed that seemed to confine me 

while I was depressed, ready to run and play and get things done! 

And I couldn't get out of bed because my body was so sick. 

It was very disheartening.

But I rested. I didn't beat myself up about the dirty house, or that the kids were watching so much TV while I laid down day after day after day. I didn't guilt myself that I had McDonald's at least once, if not twice a week. I rested, both my body and my spirit, knowing that this would pass and it wouldn't be like this forever.

And it passed! 

Not slowly and surely, like one day I was so tired and still sick, 

and the next I was cured. 

And I started living life.

I was go go go go go...

I was on top of my game, getting things done on top of the normal every day taking care of the kids and the home. The dishes were done every day, I was putting things away after I took them out and was done with them, I was playing with the kids and letting them do things I haven't in a long time like play dough and puzzles (lets be honest, shall we? When you're depressed, you can't clean up one more mess, and trying to scrape play dough off of your floor and find puzzle pieces that have gone all over the house no matter how you watch or help them, you just can't do it...) I was even taking the time to teach them to clean up their messes that they made, which we all know takes three times as long and is a lot more of a headache than just doing it yourself. I had successful piano lessons, I was a good mom, we saw friends and had play dates, I had dinner on the table every day even if it was just eggs and toast, etc etc...

And on top of the normal everyday awesomeness, 

I was doing at least one or more extra things that 

needed to be done that had piled up after 

months and months and months of not being on my game. 

 Like organizing every little thing. 

I didn't need a nap all week, for the first time since October last year. It felt so good to have energy, to feel alive and excited about my work and my day, to wake up and smile because I am so happy instead of crying because I didn't want to do anything.

But most importantly, I was taking the time to love and live life. 

I've been making the time when something unexpected happens to stop, re-calibrate, make a new plan with my priorities first in line, and then starting again with the new plan.

I saw this and it changed my life.

It is very easy to go go go. 

To get so caught up in all that "has" to get done.

But a lot of what has to be done is not as important 

as the people in your life that need to be loved.

Instead of being upset that my plan for the day got interrupted, no matter what it was, I choose to slow down and be patient and loving. I quickly changed my plans to best fit everyone, including myself, so that I wasn't just cleaning my house. We played, we explored, we did things together, and we had fun getting things done. 

I had a few experiences with Jacob that I wanted to share that really opened my eyes about how I can be a better mom.

Jacob was really upset about something at school. He gets so fixated on something, and it completely destroys him and no matter what you say to him he can't be reasoned with or shaken out of it. 

In the past I've gotten angry, frustrated, and confused.

For goodness sake, what is his problem?!

And one of these times I was so lost and had no idea what to do, that I just bowed my head and silently asked God what I was doing wrong? 

The spirit spoke so strongly to me, and told me that he is just like me, and just like every other human being. Sometimes we're just going to be sad, and angry, and there's nothing you can say or do to make it better.

Nothing. Except love them.

I thought about how I handle my emotions, and how sometimes you're just sad or mad, and you just need to ride it out. 

A hug, a kiss, a good cry, a piece of chocolate, and time are all you need.

How can I expect my four year old to master his emotions more than I can? 

I was expecting him to do something that was impossible.

I had a really good chance to practice this new found knowledge and view point the other day, and I'm sure I'll have plenty more chances in the years to come. Jacob was upset because someone had broken his toy. He was crying uncontrollable, and I immediately got frustrated and wanted him to keep his wailing to himself to save my ears. But then I stopped, and I put myself in his shoes. If someone had broken something really special to me, had done it maliciously and hadn't been sorry about it, and didn't offer to replace it...

I'd be crying uncontrollably too. 

So we got home and we just cried together. He was so shocked that I was sad for him instead of mad at him for having feelings, that he was actually able to talk to me about it. I tried to explain that we can't always get what we want, and sometimes people are going to be mean and we just need to distance ourselves from them and still try to love them without putting ourselves in harms way. 

One thing that I've been learning in therapy is that feelings are natural, 

and you should not be punished for having feelings. 

We should not be teaching our children (or ourselves) to repress our feelings, but to acknowledge them, process them, and act on them appropriately.

I have been greatly blessed these past few weeks with the gift of seeing how my children are just little people, learning and growing just like me.

"I am eternally grateful that the Lord rescued me 

from my unkind feelings by sending the Holy Ghost 

to let me see a child of God as He saw him."

- Elder Eyring

This week I'm still going to go go go,
 but always I'll try to remember what is most important.

Life is too short to waste time doing unimportant things.