Where did January go?

I saw this on Facebook, where I see most things...

I think they're right.

This last week was rough. 

Was it rough for anyone else? 
Or was it just me.

Amidst all of the good, the bad just seemed to constantly attack me...

and I let it.

Let me tell you about it.

On Monday we had a great morning! The night before the wind had blown off the top of our chimney. It was 10 or so, we were just about to call it a night, and we heard a THUMP THUMP THUMP. We went to the backyard, and there it was. Crushed. Well, what do you expect when you fall off a two story house? Since we had a hole in our roof, I had to cancel my morning plans because I needed to be home for the roof repair company. The good thing was my friend was flexible and she just came and spent the morning with us instead of going out.

And oh it was grand. The kids played. They had been asking me to paint, and I had told them we could do it on Monday when we didn't have school. They had also been asking for cookies...So it was a morning of doing everything that they had wanted to do (that I usually say no to), and boy was it messy. Of course I didn't have flour to make cookies with (where is Harold Crick when you need him?) so we improvised with a cake box cookie recipe 
(they tasted okay, and didn't look as pretty as the picture.)

The thing was, it was messy because I let them do it all themselves. 
Paint was everywhere, cookie dough was everywhere, 
and then I let them make their own pb&j sandwiches...
(everywhere might be an exaggeration)

BUT! It wasn't this messy.
Thank goodness.

And when my friend and her kids left, we all took a nap, and I passed out.

Being a fun, present mom is EXHAUSTING. 

The kids had to come and wake me up! 

And I couldn't move. The kids were playing so nicely, so I just laid there.

And that was our afternoon.

And I felt so guilty about it.
I felt so bad that I couldn't have a good FULL day, 
like I couldn't hack it.

I don't remember what happened Tuesday, 
I just remember that I tried again to be a GREAT mom.

And I succeeded!

And it just about killed me.

I paid for it Wednesday. 

I could barely keep my eyes open, I was literally a walking zombie.

A friend asked for a play date, and I was so out of it I said yes even though logistically I couldn't with early pick up. I didn't realize the mistake until I was at her door, and my alarm went off to go pick up the twins. So she offered to take the kids so I could take a nap, and I didn't want to say yes because I felt like my kids were being crazy and I couldn't put that on her. But she insisted, and I was so tired, I gave in, and went home and slept. Robbie brought home Mcdonald's, we watched Harry Potter, and we all went to bed at 8 (well, I don't know what Robbie did, because I was asleep...).

Thursday I woke up after like 11 hours of sleep feeling so good. 

I went on a walk with a friend, I took a bath, I took the kids to the park and then the Dollar Tree to pick out their valentines for their classes...I even made dinner. 

And then Friday, I paid for the awesome day I had Thursday.
I couldn't move because of that stupid walk, because I'm so out of shape!
And it was just a sad, sad, sad day.


It seemed like the harder I tried, the harder it got.
No matter what I did I couldn't have a great day 
without having an awful day after that.

But it wasn't the bad days that got me, 
it was the unnecessary guilt that I put on myself for not being what I wanted to be.

I don't know how many times I'm going to have to learn this lesson,
but I'm glad I learned it again this week.

PLEASE! Can we just be kind to ourselves?

Gosh darn it, if you wake up sad because all three of your kids are crying, fighting, whining, and yelling first thing in the morning and you didn't get a good night sleep and you just don't want to get out of bed? Well gosh darn it, be sad. Get out of bed as soon as you can and don't feel guilty about being late for school and having an awful morning. They're gonna happen, they're gonna keep happening, and if you just keep trying eventually you'll be able to handle them better. 
But not this morning.

If you need a nap everyday, gosh darn it take a nap when the kids do or put a movie on for them. It's okay to sleep with one eye open, just make sure the knives and sharpies are put away and you're prepared to clean up the cheerios they've spilled everywhere when you get up.

If you're so out of shape that you literally can't move the next day without pain even though you only did like 30 minutes of light exercise, it's okay. Just keep trying, because it's going to get better. The first week of January I didn't do anything, second week I stretched once, third week I walked once, and now we're on the fourth week and I walked once and I'm set to walk one (hopefully two) more times. And getting enough sleep and food so my body can recover. I'm getting there, even with the rough start. I can do this, one step at a time, 
even if it's painfully slow.

If you can only have half of a good day, well gosh darn it, give yourself a pat on the back because you had a good part of your day. If the other part sucks, rest and make it through because the sucky part will eventually end. The day will end and tomorrow will be a new day, a new day to try again.

I firmly believe that happiness is a choice. Depression makes that really hard, 
but even when you're sad you can still choose to accept how you feel and how you deal with it. 

Choose not to beat yourself up for how you're feeling.
Tired, sad, angry...happy...
Just keep trying. Just keep doing your best, even if your best is just surviving.
It's okay to have good days and bad days. 
It's okay to not be on the ball right now.
It's okay if you don't even know where the ball is right now.

Speaking of trying, I did do Lesson 2 of Session 1 from Positive Parenting!

I learned about why kids misbehave. 
They don't act like little monsters just for kicks and giggles.
(well, maybe sometimes it's for kicks and giggles...)
They misbehave for a reason. Every action is goal oriented, and their goals (even though they don't know them) are to feel belonging and significance, 
and to have power in their own lives.

A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.

This week I saw their misbehavior as a symptom.
I saw them asking for help, 
and that they just don't know how to say what they really need.

It really helped thinking about the three things that they need;
to give them a sense of belonging and to have an emotional connection,
to give them a sense of significance and contribution to the family,
and to give them power over their own lives.
(In matters that are appropriate for their age. 
Sorry kid, you don't get to choose your bedtime 
and you can't go to school naked...)

I can't wait to do Lesson 3 this week. 




Last week was such a difficult week we didn't do much for Come Follow Me.
But what was really nice is that the kids reminded us to just keep trying. 

I know that Satan is the one telling us 
that because we're not perfect we're failures 
and we should just give up.

But it's not true. 

Jesus always has is arm outstretched. 
He is always asking us to come to him.
He knows we're not perfect, and He doesn't expect us to be. 
He wants us to keep trying. 
So what if we haven't prayed or read our scriptures in what seems like forever...
He will never tell us not to search, ponder or pray. 
He will never say "You've really sucked lately, 
so you can just keep failing all on your own."
If a voice in your head is giving you excuses as to 
not pray, or read, or follow Him in any way,
(I'm not good at praying, I don't want to, I can't seem to make the time)
it's coming from Satan. 
Don't listen to it. 

I'm so grateful, even though we were so late to bed tonight, 
Jacob said "But what about scriptures?"

We watched a short bible story on John the Baptist and Jesus getting baptized. 
It is so amazing to teach my kids the gospel, and to see them understand
and learn to love their Savior.  






This week I'm taking it a little slower, easing into it 
instead of trying to hit the ground running. 

I hope that you will be kind to yourself;
if you need to take it slow then take it slow,
if you feel like you're failing just keep trying,
if what you're trying isn't working maybe try something else,
and whatever happens...try to be okay with it.

Because the biggest change you can make is your attitude.

I hope that life is good to you, and that you are good to you,
until we meet again.

Let It Begin

Oh. My. Goodness.

So I actually started to do my goals!

And it felt like it might kill me. 

EXERCISE 

Since it was raining off and on this week, and I also hurt my toe

(so I couldn't wear shoes, or walk without pain)

on Monday I decided to stay inside and do a yoga video.

I love thrift stores, and I got a whole bunch of yoga dvds that I have yet to watch. 

I started with one about Spirit, thinking that sounded relaxing and motivating,

thinking that it would be like other videos I've watched...

you know, where they explain the move, do it slowly and show you how?

Yeah no.

This woman (Ana Forrest) was doing stuff like this, and she was just goin'.

Now, I got like 5 videos for a 25 cents, so I'm not really complaining, but...

Holy Crap.

So I just watched her, and stretched. 

When I started stretching I couldn't touch my toes. 

When I finished stretching 30 minutes later I could touch my toes...

And then I was so sore I could barely move the next day.

You think that's crazy?! Well how do you think it made me feel???!!!

I felt so lame.

 

And of course I had plenty of excuses for not working out Wednesday, 

like Robbie and I stayed up till 1 AM on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning because we went on a date to The King and I and then worked instead of going to bed after we got home...

so I was exhausted.

Thursday of course offered up plenty more excuses.

BUT! That didn't stop me.

Therapy has taught me many things, 

one of which is that you have to think positive and take care of yourself. 

So instead of forcing myself to workout, I chose rest.

Instead of beating myself up about NOT working out, 

I accepted that I made that choice and chose to be happy with the choice I made. 

And I chose to not let the fact that I didn't work out

make me quit trying to fit it in...even if it's not till next week.

POSITIVE PARENTING

Positive parenting was very informative this week.

I did Session 1, Lesson 1 & 2.

I learned that in order to get the best out of this program, you have to

go in order, go at your own pace, do the workbook, and be all in.

I also learned about democracy in the family, and why kids misbehave.

In the past, it was "you need to do this because I said so", 

but now society is different. Dad doesn't come home and say "jump" and mom says "how high?", 

so why should kids?

Amy bases a lot of her tools on Alfred Adler and his theories, that everyone (including children) deserves respect, our actions are goal oriented, and that we want to belong, have a purpose, and free will.

Now that is a lot to absorb...it's really is a different way of thinking. 

Sometimes it's really hard to think of our children as little people, with big emotions, who don't know how to respond in positive healthy ways until they are taught...and teaching takes a lot of time and consistency. It's hard to think that they're not misbehaving just to piss me off, that they're "misbehaving" because in the past that's what's worked to get my attention.

But think about how you would behave if someone told you what you had to eat, wear, go and do every day. It would get a little frustrating. What if you were just commanded to do things, instead of asked nicely? What if you were upset and didn't know what to do about it, and someone you love just starts yelling at you? It wouldn't feel good, would it.

I can't wait to start to internalize this and start using the tools. 

But man, it's hard.

But I'm so grateful. I'm ready to stop yelling, and nagging, 

and losing my crap because I've asked them to do something a thousand times....

like I did tonight. 

Tonight was not bad, but it certainly wasn't pretty. 

My goal is next week to spend more time listening to the audios over and over so it can really settle in. The first lesson was easy, it was 3 minutes long...the second one was harder, it's 12 minutes long. 

Literally finding 12 minutes the past few days of uninterrupted time has been really difficult...

and then the week is gone. Done. Finished. 

So I might do Lesson 2 again this next week so I can really wrap my head around it...

One thing that is very frustrating for me is that I'd like to do this faster. 

She keeps saying "Don't worry, I'll teach you a tool for that" and all I want to do is shout

Tell Me NOW!!!

And that's why the first lesson was on going in order...

COME FOLLOW ME

We did parts of the this weeks Come Follow Me lesson throughout the week.

When we watched the bible video, we saw some of the fruits of our labors.

The kids were like, "That's Mary! That's the angel! That's Jesus!"

It was really cool.

Now granted, they maybe think everyone with a beard is Joseph, or Jesus....but ya know.

Next week I'd like to spend a little more time on the scriptures and lesson, a little time each day...

One step at a time.

And remembering that I'm already doing more than I was, so, there's that.

Have a great week next week!

2018 Was Kind of...

Awful. 

Let's face it. 

2017 I tried to handle the grief of losing my sister through blogging everyday, 

and while it helped and I learned so much, it also drove me a little crazy.

Blogging every day was intense. 

2018 I tried to blog again, but every month or so instead of every day. 

I gave up around April. 

These were the goals that I had for 2018. 

Robbie and my friends tried to tell me that I was overly ambitious...

I didn't listen.

Love my eyebrows just the way they are. DO NOT OVER PLUCK!

I became very stressed and ended up picking them until they were almost gone again.

Not as gone as January of last year, but still not as good as they were in April.

Stress is the key factor in keeping my trichotillomania in check. 

Stress doesn't go away, and I don't know if I'll ever be cured by just strength of will 

(because obviously that fails), but I do know that I can continue
trying to handle the stress in my life in a healthy way.

And I have grown to love them, even when they are very sparse.
So I mean, that's good...

 Read my scriptures and pray every day -Get enough rest so I can

I completely failed at half of this. I did not read my scriptures and pray every day, 

but I did work on getting enough rest. Lots, and lots of rest.

I worked on not beating myself up about needing so much.

Handling my grief and depression and raising three crazy kids really takes a lot out of me. 

2018 really was a year of sleep and rest.

But, now with the new Come Follow Me manual and the Home Centered, Church Supported
way of thinking and learning, I'm feeling really encouraged and hopeful.
And so far, this week I've done the reading. And have been getting plenty of rest, so...

Make more time for friends

Oh how I wish I could have done this more. 

But making enough time for myself and taking care of my family took all of my time. 

I'm so grateful for the friends that I do have, who were understanding and loving 

when I flaked or couldn't make something or couldn't even make time to make something. 

 

Crappy friend for sure....trying to be an awesome mom...

 Thank you to my friends who still love me, despite me being unable to make enough time for you.

Make Chasing Shelby something great
Oh dear. The stress of trying to help Jacob succeed in school, and life, and still trying to grieve Shelby's death, I couldn't really bring myself to work on the foundation unless I had to. Every time I would think about it I would start to have an anxiety attack, so I just didn't think about it. 

Write my own piano lesson material
Yep. Here is another over ambitious goal that I didn't have time/make time for.

Do more crafts: finish those t-shirt memory quilts
Still haven't finished one. I got the fabric for the back in February, asked for help in November....
and still haven't touched it. I did wash the back fabric....yeah...

Put things away after I take them out
This one I think I'll have to work on till the day I die. I did not master it this year.
But I did get better, so I mean, there's that.

Exercise
Ha! I literally didn't do ANY intense exercising for an entire year. I walked a few times.
Wow. That's kind of sadly hilarious.

Work on riding the wave better when I'm depressed
THIS! This I did do better on!!! I had a lot of waves, and a lot, A LOT of bad days,
but I didn't completely loose my crap.
I just lost it a little bit.

Start re-learning physical therapy material
Revamp old blog posts
Didn't. Even. Touch.






Now that the year is over, it really wasn't as awful as it felt at times.

I rested. A lot. I've been raising babies and toddlers for the past five years, and I was so tired.
So I slept whenever I could, which was a lot.

I took time for myself and set more boundaries. On Sundays after a long week of getting the kids to school, I would often wake up and cry. I would just go back to bed and Robbie would watch the kids till noon. I felt so guilty, but Robbie was so patient with me. He told me every single time that I needed to rest if I needed it, and God understood.

Now that I'm a little more clear headed and well rested, I can see that and feel that too.
I know God accepts our best efforts, even if we aren't living up to other's expectations.
I know now that I can accept my best efforts, even if they aren't where I want them to be right now.

I started getting the hang of having three kids in school!
Two hours to myself every day from August to December was bliss.

Chasing Shelby was able to donate $8,000 to Valley Children's,
and we had a successful Second Annual Car Show!
That is a HUGE increase! Last year we were only able to done $500.
We couldn't have done it without everyone who came out to support the cause for Spina Bifida.

We had a successful year of piano lessons! I love my students and the joy they bring to my life.

Jacob did choir, which was awesome for all of us!

He is the most hilarious kid ever. We practiced and practiced and practiced.
And when he got up for his Christmas Concert, he forgot everything.
He sang weird, with his mouth over emphasizing the words and vowels.
He put his hands in his pockets, and fiddled with his pants, and his belt, and his tie...
And then he picked his nose.

I was laughing so hard I cried.

I took some time to do something crazy and that I wanted to do. I tried out for a musical!
The Little Mermaid was so much work, and so much fun.

We had a LOT of fun together.

Jacob graduated pre-school!

We had lots of cuddles.

 We loved being the PJ Masks and Night Ninja! And going on their first ferris wheel.

And they loved getting silly stringed...sticky splat!

Well, I guess 2018 wasn't that awful.
It was pretty great.

And 2019 is looking pretty good too.

I have some new goals.
1) Exercise.
I know that I will feel so much better if I do, mentally and physically.
2) Do the Positive Parenting program.
I want to do one section a week, and then share my experience with you and how it helped our family.
3) Do the Come Follow Me curriculum,
This will help me read and pray every day.
It will help us stay focused, and encourage us to study
as a family, as a couple, and as an individual.

So keep in touch! I can't wait to share my experiences.
I will try to do it every week, but obviously we are in the second week now of January and I'm still trying to get started. I'm trying to find the right balance between keeping my goals, but also getting enough sleep and doing things like....

The command center!!!

 Took out the fire place and added a frame

 Added drywall to the outside

 Filled the inside

 Lots of putty

 Sanding and flooring

 Added a bench for storage and backpacks and sport equipment, etc

 Orange peel

 Paint

 Primer

Now to choose a color, paint, and put everything up!

Merry Christmas, happy birthday, and happy anniversary to me!

And a Happy New Year to you.
May this year be filled with more love, understanding, and patience,
with others, but especially,
with yourself.