Awful. 

Let's face it. 

2017 I tried to handle the grief of losing my sister through blogging everyday, 

and while it helped and I learned so much, it also drove me a little crazy.

Blogging every day was intense. 

2018 I tried to blog again, but every month or so instead of every day. 

I gave up around April. 

These were the goals that I had for 2018. 

Robbie and my friends tried to tell me that I was overly ambitious...

I didn't listen.

Love my eyebrows just the way they are. DO NOT OVER PLUCK!

I became very stressed and ended up picking them until they were almost gone again.

Not as gone as January of last year, but still not as good as they were in April.

Stress is the key factor in keeping my trichotillomania in check. 

Stress doesn't go away, and I don't know if I'll ever be cured by just strength of will 

(because obviously that fails), but I do know that I can continue
trying to handle the stress in my life in a healthy way.

And I have grown to love them, even when they are very sparse.
So I mean, that's good...

 Read my scriptures and pray every day -Get enough rest so I can

I completely failed at half of this. I did not read my scriptures and pray every day, 

but I did work on getting enough rest. Lots, and lots of rest.

I worked on not beating myself up about needing so much.

Handling my grief and depression and raising three crazy kids really takes a lot out of me. 

2018 really was a year of sleep and rest.

But, now with the new Come Follow Me manual and the Home Centered, Church Supported
way of thinking and learning, I'm feeling really encouraged and hopeful.
And so far, this week I've done the reading. And have been getting plenty of rest, so...

Make more time for friends

Oh how I wish I could have done this more. 

But making enough time for myself and taking care of my family took all of my time. 

I'm so grateful for the friends that I do have, who were understanding and loving 

when I flaked or couldn't make something or couldn't even make time to make something. 

 

Crappy friend for sure....trying to be an awesome mom...

 Thank you to my friends who still love me, despite me being unable to make enough time for you.

Make Chasing Shelby something great
Oh dear. The stress of trying to help Jacob succeed in school, and life, and still trying to grieve Shelby's death, I couldn't really bring myself to work on the foundation unless I had to. Every time I would think about it I would start to have an anxiety attack, so I just didn't think about it. 

Write my own piano lesson material
Yep. Here is another over ambitious goal that I didn't have time/make time for.

Do more crafts: finish those t-shirt memory quilts
Still haven't finished one. I got the fabric for the back in February, asked for help in November....
and still haven't touched it. I did wash the back fabric....yeah...

Put things away after I take them out
This one I think I'll have to work on till the day I die. I did not master it this year.
But I did get better, so I mean, there's that.

Exercise
Ha! I literally didn't do ANY intense exercising for an entire year. I walked a few times.
Wow. That's kind of sadly hilarious.

Work on riding the wave better when I'm depressed
THIS! This I did do better on!!! I had a lot of waves, and a lot, A LOT of bad days,
but I didn't completely loose my crap.
I just lost it a little bit.

Start re-learning physical therapy material
Revamp old blog posts
Didn't. Even. Touch.






Now that the year is over, it really wasn't as awful as it felt at times.

I rested. A lot. I've been raising babies and toddlers for the past five years, and I was so tired.
So I slept whenever I could, which was a lot.

I took time for myself and set more boundaries. On Sundays after a long week of getting the kids to school, I would often wake up and cry. I would just go back to bed and Robbie would watch the kids till noon. I felt so guilty, but Robbie was so patient with me. He told me every single time that I needed to rest if I needed it, and God understood.

Now that I'm a little more clear headed and well rested, I can see that and feel that too.
I know God accepts our best efforts, even if we aren't living up to other's expectations.
I know now that I can accept my best efforts, even if they aren't where I want them to be right now.

I started getting the hang of having three kids in school!
Two hours to myself every day from August to December was bliss.

Chasing Shelby was able to donate $8,000 to Valley Children's,
and we had a successful Second Annual Car Show!
That is a HUGE increase! Last year we were only able to done $500.
We couldn't have done it without everyone who came out to support the cause for Spina Bifida.

We had a successful year of piano lessons! I love my students and the joy they bring to my life.

Jacob did choir, which was awesome for all of us!

He is the most hilarious kid ever. We practiced and practiced and practiced.
And when he got up for his Christmas Concert, he forgot everything.
He sang weird, with his mouth over emphasizing the words and vowels.
He put his hands in his pockets, and fiddled with his pants, and his belt, and his tie...
And then he picked his nose.

I was laughing so hard I cried.

I took some time to do something crazy and that I wanted to do. I tried out for a musical!
The Little Mermaid was so much work, and so much fun.

We had a LOT of fun together.

Jacob graduated pre-school!

We had lots of cuddles.

 We loved being the PJ Masks and Night Ninja! And going on their first ferris wheel.

And they loved getting silly stringed...sticky splat!

Well, I guess 2018 wasn't that awful.
It was pretty great.

And 2019 is looking pretty good too.

I have some new goals.
1) Exercise.
I know that I will feel so much better if I do, mentally and physically.
2) Do the Positive Parenting program.
I want to do one section a week, and then share my experience with you and how it helped our family.
3) Do the Come Follow Me curriculum,
This will help me read and pray every day.
It will help us stay focused, and encourage us to study
as a family, as a couple, and as an individual.

So keep in touch! I can't wait to share my experiences.
I will try to do it every week, but obviously we are in the second week now of January and I'm still trying to get started. I'm trying to find the right balance between keeping my goals, but also getting enough sleep and doing things like....

The command center!!!

 Took out the fire place and added a frame

 Added drywall to the outside

 Filled the inside

 Lots of putty

 Sanding and flooring

 Added a bench for storage and backpacks and sport equipment, etc

 Orange peel

 Paint

 Primer

Now to choose a color, paint, and put everything up!

Merry Christmas, happy birthday, and happy anniversary to me!

And a Happy New Year to you.
May this year be filled with more love, understanding, and patience,
with others, but especially,
with yourself.

Love, Understanding, and Hope

Ministering as the Savior Would

 I have been asked so many times about my talk that I gave a few weeks ago in church, and since I'm referencing it in my next post I wanted to share.

I was asked to give a talk on ministering as the Savior would. My first thought, which I said out loud, was "aren't we beating a dead horse?" It feels like every single lesson, every single talk, is on ministering! And the brother that was asking me said the best thing ever. He said, "Interesting. I want you to tell us about it." So I got my stubborn butt up and started thinking about it. I kept dreaming about experiences I'd had in the past few years, I couldn't shake some of these thoughts, so I figured God was trying to tell me something. As I pondered these stories of my life more, I realized that God had been teaching me about ministering as the Savior would all along.

Here's my talk.

         For most of my life I did not have a full testimony, or complete understanding, of service, visiting teaching, or home teaching. I knew that we were commanded to do it, but I had a flawed view of it. I believed that there was a line, and this line separated those who needed help and those who didn’t, those who did their visiting and home teaching and those who didn’t, those that gave service and those who didn't. I was always on one side, the side that didn’t need help. I was on the side that was independent, self reliant, and always able to help others. I was on the side that always did my visiting teaching, but never needed visiting teachers to come see me. I was on the side that never needed help from anyone or anything. 

Boy did God show me I was wrong.

        

Mosiah 4:19 says “Are we not ALL beggars? Do we not ALL depend upon the same Being, even God”? Well the answer is yes, we all need the Savior, and we all need help, in some degree, at one time or another. So I’d like to share with you a few experiences that God gave me to help teach me that there is no line separating those who need help and those who don’t, and also how to minister as the Savior would.

        

The first experience that really rocked my world was when I was pregnant with the twins. I was put on bed rest, and Jacob had to be taken care of by others so I wouldn’t go into labor early. For the first time in my life I literally couldn’t do something, and needed someone else’s help, and a lot of it. Every day Robbie would take Jacob to someone’s house and they would watch him all day, and then Robbie would pick him up on his way home from work. Then Robbie would take care of him the rest of the night, and then take care of me and the house. This went on for months, and all I could do was sit there, be an incubator, and accept the help. It hurt, needing so much help. I thought great, I’m on “THAT” side of the line, I’m one of the people who needs help.

        

In John chapter 13 we read about how Jesus washed his apostle’s feet. 

Can you only imagine? Jesus, the Savior, the one who will atone for your sins, is also washing your feet? Would you say as Peter did, no, you can’t wash my feet. No, I can do that. No, I’m on this side of the line, the side that doesn’t need any help. Then Jesus said to him, “If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me”. Then Peter said, don’t stop at my feet, wash my head and hands too! And then Jesus said as I’ve washed your feet, go and wash one another’s. 

There is no line between those that need help and those that don’t. 

We all need help, of varying degrees, at one time or another. 

The second experience was also while I was pregnant with the twins and on bed rest. Jacob was sick, and he was going up to Coarsegold with my parents for the weekend. I sent up the prescription we had filled, but forgot to send up fever reducers. We got a call in the middle of the night: Jacob’s fever had spiked, and my mom didn’t have any infant medicine. By the time she got back from buying some, his fever had gotten too high and he had a febril seizure. They had called 911, and an ambulance had taken him to Children’s Hospital. Robbie went to meet them, and I freaked out. I had no idea what a febril seizure was, and being extremely pregnant and hormonal I thought my son was going to die. I didn’t want to be alone, waiting, not knowing what was going to happen. My friend popped into my head, and despite being past midnight, I called her. She talked to me, comforted me, distracted me, and waited with me for news. I felt like she was there holding me, but she was really just on the phone.

Jacob was fine, I learned all about febril seizures, and how expensive ambulances are…She was there for me, even at an inconvenient time, and even though my fears were completely irrational.

The third experience is similar to the second. My mom was there for me at an inconvenient time. Shortly after the twins were born, Robbie caught a nasty 24 hour bug. A few hours later Jacob had it, then the twins, then I started to get queasy. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew that I couldn’t take care of those babies if I was going to be as sick as Robbie was. So I called my mom, and without skipping a beat she said “I’ll be right there.” She was just getting off work, and she lived 45 minutes away, so that gave me 45 minutes to regret asking her for help. I opened the door sobbing, apologizing for having her come all this way just to get sick. She said “don’t you worry about it. Give me those babies.” I did, and then I ran to the bathroom. She stayed up all night taking care of us, then kissed me goodbye in the morning and headed to work. I asked her later if she had gotten sick, and she said “yes, but it was only a 24 hour bug, no big deal.” I apologized again, and she said “You don’t have to be sorry, I will always be there for you.”

Mosiah 18: 8-9 reads “As ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places.” 

There will be times when we are the bearers, we are the comforters, and we are the ones standing steadfastly. But there will be times when we are in need of bearing, we are in need of comfort, and we need others to help strengthen our feeble knees. 

We must do service, and also accept service.

The fourth experience is ongoing. My untreated post partum depression turned into full blown depression and anxiety. Anti depressants, therapy, and three years of hard work have gotten me here, to where I recognize the girl in the mirror and can be happy again. But there were a lot of rough times along the way. 

Because of my depression I did things that I had never done before, and that I had judged others for doing. I dropped the ball. A lot. And I couldn’t get back on it to save my life. I couldn’t get out of bed, and I hated getting dressed and going anywhere. I couldn’t care. I became a flake, and couldn’t handle the anxiety of phone calls or texts or play dates or things that weren’t 100% necessary. I had a hard time following through on things, and sometimes just couldn’t do them at all. I was doing things poorly, not able to do things 100%. I wasn’t meeting my expectations, or others. I was late to almost everything that I did go to because I could barely get myself to go at all.

I still have bad days, days where everything I just listed happens. And I used to hate this trial. I thought cancer would be better because then people wouldn’t be so judgmental. You can see cancer, and chemo. But often times when people looked at me, instead of seeing sick they saw quitter, incompetent, flake. 

I had to learn that that wasn’t who I was. I had to learn to love myself, even though I was sick and not fully myself. I had to accept that Christ loves me unconditionally, no matter what. I used to hate this trial, but now, on good days, I thank God for it. Because it has shown me how to love myself unconditionally, to be understanding and patient when I’m not able to do everything I think I should or could. 

It has shown me how deeply my Savior loves me, 

and how understanding and patient He is with me. 

And it has shown me how to be loving, 

and understanding, and patient with others.

Romans 3:23 reads “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” We cannot expect others or ourselves to be perfect! No one is. This kind of unattainable expectation only leads to judgment, pride, and anger. My experiences have taught me that life is easier and more beautiful when we can see the good in other people, instead of focusing on the bad. And that life is so much simpler when we allow others and ourselves to be inadequate and not expect perfection. When we accept our best efforts, and the efforts of others, whether it be their best or not.

“We’re supposed to be WORKING on perfection, not beating ourselves up for not being there yet.” “If our attempts are but feeble, they will make us better and nobler than if we made no effort whatsoever.” Sister Holland said “We must have the courage to be imperfect.” We have to try ministering, even though our attempts may be feeble and imperfect.

President Nelson said “This ministering concept is not just a different name for home teaching and visiting teaching. It is a different concept. It really is a higher and holier way that we want our people to LIVE, because we want them to LIVE as the Lord would LIVE and LOVE...”

        

President Monson said “Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life.” He also said “What is most important almost always involves the people around us. NEVER let a problem to be solved (or may I add an imperfection or inability to meet expectations) become more important than a person to be loved.” This requires so much patience. Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different way than the one we had in mind.

So who do we love? Who do we minister to? Jesus shared the parable of the good Samaritan when asked who is my neighbor? President Kimball said “We must remember that those mortals we meet in parking offices, elevators, and elsewhere are that portion of mankind that God has given us to LOVE AND TO SERVE.” Everyone who crosses our path is our neighbor, not just those we are assigned to.

Elder Holland said of ministering I “suggest that you not wait for many more instructions, just jump into the pool and swim.” So lets do it. Lets minister the way the Savior would, to those we are assigned to and to everyone that comes into our life. Lets minister by showing unconditional love, understanding, and patience, to ourselves and to others, the way Jesus does for us, especially when we mess up. Let’s jump in. Let’s remember that we all fall short, and that we all need help.

I am so grateful for the trials and experiences God has given me to teach me. I have a testimony of ministering, and I have a testimony of my Savior. I know Jesus lives, I know he atoned for our sins and that he experienced everything we did so He could know how to comfort and help us through this life. I’m so grateful for Him and His perfect example. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Goal Update: April 11th

Happy April to you all! 

Did you know that the first quarter of this year is gone?

Gone.

Just flew by.

Three months down, nine to go.

And while that may seem like a lot, I get a little worried about my piano students who don't make much progress on their performance pieces that will be performed in December...I mean, you'd think that 11-12 months of prep time would be enough time right? I mean, I really hope so...nine more months...

What I am not worried about are my goals,

and I wanted to share my progress with you,

and make a few changes, 

because what are goals if there aren't a few changes now and then.

1) Do not touch my eyebrows

So I decided to change this a little bit. 

I couldn't do it.

They grew in! Nice and full, I never, ever thought 

that my eyebrows would look like this again.

 During Spring Break I finally threw my Prince & Princess Tea Party. Riley refuses to dress up, and I love to dress up, and so having a little girl who doesn't want to dress up with me is very sad. Then she finally put on a dress! And it was the most adorable thing ever.

I so I thought it was finally time to throw a party! 

And I wasn't going to throw a princess party without dressing up.

And I couldn't dress up all fancy and not clean up my eyebrows a bit.

 Just a little, not a lot. Pictures don't do it justice.

And let me tell you, it was super cute.

Our princes were taught how to let ladies go first, bow, 

and give our princesses flowers.

Riley refused to put on a dress.

 

 This isn't even all the kids! 

We made everything pretty, thanks to all the help from my friends.

I'm so glad they put up with me and instead of telling me to ignore it, they helped me finish making it pretty. And of course all the treats they brought and their adorable kids, it wouldn't have been a party without them. 

We painted nails, did make up, made crowns, ate and played. 

Riley did her own nails and make up, she refused to let me do them. And the boys did their make up too, I just couldn't say no to them.

LONG story short, I cleaned up my eyebrows for this occasion.

But of course, as soon as I cleaned them up, I started to look at them, and notice things like my eyebrows are not symmetrical. I started thinking about how I could clean them up more, make them more arched, I just couldn't stop thinking about them.

So since I've done a great job at growing them back,

my new goal is to accept them and love them,

and NOT over pluck them.

EVER AGAIN.

2) Read my scriptures and pray every day

This one as always is difficult. 

One of the things that I've been talking about lately with my therapist is that I'm just tired. I've been a stay at home mom for the past four years straight! Going on five years now! And not just for one baby, oh no, for three. Three, in a row. 

Back to back.

Raising three babies hardly leaves you any time to do anything else. And making time for self care is super hard, especially when you don't realize how important it is until you've had a couple of break downs.

So basically, raising three babies, and now three toddlers for four years 

basically without rest, means that I'm extremely tired. 

And when we're tired, we don't want to chew meat and potatoes. 

We want soft and yummy, like cake. Cake is good.

Scriptures and prayer = meat and potatoes. 

So when you're tired and sick, you just can't. 

And that's okay.

So I decided for the past month to do whatever the crap I wanted. 

I slept, a lot. The kids watched a lot of TV. I had Mcdonald's, like a lot. One time I had it every other day for a week, it was pretty bad. I didn't guilt myself for not wanting to play with my kids, for not wanting to hear "mom" for the hundredth time in one day. I didn't guilt myself for wanting to cry because being a good mom is really really hard, and every time I wanted to loose my crap I was just honest with my kids and told them that I needed to take a break. 

And then I took a good long break.

And do you know what?

I'm finally feeling rested.

And because I'm feeling rested, I'm more patient with the kids and with myself. I'm finally starting to exercise. And I'm finally having the desire to read and pray. 

I figured it out. You have to have enough rest.

And of course, a desire.

And when you beat yourself up about how much rest you need,

guess what! You're not resting!!! 

That stress is sucking all the rest out of you. 

If you're dead, or dead on your feet, you're not good to anyone.

Including yourself.

And no matter how much you have the desire,

you just can't if you're not rested.

Robbie and I had the same impression during conference,

we need to start living as if the second coming is tomorrow.

I know that when you bring a question to conference with a sincere heart that you will find an answer. I didn't get to watch Saturday's because we were at Robbie's parents. I got up early on Sunday and helped with breakfast and the kids, and by the time the morning conference started I needed a break. So I took a break, went and laid down, and missed that conference too. The only one I saw was the last session, and even though I only watched that one, God still answered my prayer.

I prayed for courage, for strength to be more consistent and committed 

to doing the things that I need to do and still take care of myself. 

And then I heard Elder Holland say this.

"Our prayer today is that every man and woman...

will leave this general conference more deeply committed 

to heartfelt care for one another [including yourself], 

motivated only by the pure love of Christ to do so. 

In spite of what we all feel are our limitations and inadequacies

—and we all have challenges—

nevertheless, may we labor side by side with the Lord of the vineyard 

giving the God and Father of us all a helping hand with His 

staggering task of answering prayers, providing comfort, 

drying tears, and strengthening feeble knees. 

If we will do that, we will be more like the 

true disciples of Christ we are meant to be."

I know to you that might be like, what? 

But trust me, that was the answer.  

So, I think that's enough for one night.

Don't you? 

I hope you enjoy my journal. 

I hope that my musings bring joy and comfort and help you find a deeper commitment to following your dreams and completing your own goals.

This one life is all we have.

Let's go make the most of it.

Even naps. 

Enjoy and take the rest you need so you can enjoy everything else.

"Mistakes are a fact of life. 

Learning to skillfully play the piano is essentially impossible 

without making thousands of mistakes—maybe even a million. 

To learn a foreign language, one must face the embarrassment of 

making thousands of mistakes—maybe even a million. 

Even the world’s greatest athletes never stop making mistakes.

“Success,” it has been said, “isn’t the absence of failure, 

but going from failure to failure without any loss of enthusiasm.”

With his invention of the light bulb, Thomas Edison purportedly said, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.” Charles F. Kettering called failures “finger posts on the road to achievement.” 

Hopefully, each mistake we make becomes a lesson in wisdom, 

turning stumbling blocks into stepping-stones."

-Elder Lynn G. Robbins

The rest of his talk is amazing, check it out.

Until next time...