Oh. My. Goodness.

So I actually started to do my goals!

And it felt like it might kill me. 

EXERCISE 

Since it was raining off and on this week, and I also hurt my toe

(so I couldn't wear shoes, or walk without pain)

on Monday I decided to stay inside and do a yoga video.

I love thrift stores, and I got a whole bunch of yoga dvds that I have yet to watch. 

I started with one about Spirit, thinking that sounded relaxing and motivating,

thinking that it would be like other videos I've watched...

you know, where they explain the move, do it slowly and show you how?

Yeah no.

This woman (Ana Forrest) was doing stuff like this, and she was just goin'.

Now, I got like 5 videos for a 25 cents, so I'm not really complaining, but...

Holy Crap.

So I just watched her, and stretched. 

When I started stretching I couldn't touch my toes. 

When I finished stretching 30 minutes later I could touch my toes...

And then I was so sore I could barely move the next day.

You think that's crazy?! Well how do you think it made me feel???!!!

I felt so lame.

 

And of course I had plenty of excuses for not working out Wednesday, 

like Robbie and I stayed up till 1 AM on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning because we went on a date to The King and I and then worked instead of going to bed after we got home...

so I was exhausted.

Thursday of course offered up plenty more excuses.

BUT! That didn't stop me.

Therapy has taught me many things, 

one of which is that you have to think positive and take care of yourself. 

So instead of forcing myself to workout, I chose rest.

Instead of beating myself up about NOT working out, 

I accepted that I made that choice and chose to be happy with the choice I made. 

And I chose to not let the fact that I didn't work out

make me quit trying to fit it in...even if it's not till next week.

POSITIVE PARENTING

Positive parenting was very informative this week.

I did Session 1, Lesson 1 & 2.

I learned that in order to get the best out of this program, you have to

go in order, go at your own pace, do the workbook, and be all in.

I also learned about democracy in the family, and why kids misbehave.

In the past, it was "you need to do this because I said so", 

but now society is different. Dad doesn't come home and say "jump" and mom says "how high?", 

so why should kids?

Amy bases a lot of her tools on Alfred Adler and his theories, that everyone (including children) deserves respect, our actions are goal oriented, and that we want to belong, have a purpose, and free will.

Now that is a lot to absorb...it's really is a different way of thinking. 

Sometimes it's really hard to think of our children as little people, with big emotions, who don't know how to respond in positive healthy ways until they are taught...and teaching takes a lot of time and consistency. It's hard to think that they're not misbehaving just to piss me off, that they're "misbehaving" because in the past that's what's worked to get my attention.

But think about how you would behave if someone told you what you had to eat, wear, go and do every day. It would get a little frustrating. What if you were just commanded to do things, instead of asked nicely? What if you were upset and didn't know what to do about it, and someone you love just starts yelling at you? It wouldn't feel good, would it.

I can't wait to start to internalize this and start using the tools. 

But man, it's hard.

But I'm so grateful. I'm ready to stop yelling, and nagging, 

and losing my crap because I've asked them to do something a thousand times....

like I did tonight. 

Tonight was not bad, but it certainly wasn't pretty. 

My goal is next week to spend more time listening to the audios over and over so it can really settle in. The first lesson was easy, it was 3 minutes long...the second one was harder, it's 12 minutes long. 

Literally finding 12 minutes the past few days of uninterrupted time has been really difficult...

and then the week is gone. Done. Finished. 

So I might do Lesson 2 again this next week so I can really wrap my head around it...

One thing that is very frustrating for me is that I'd like to do this faster. 

She keeps saying "Don't worry, I'll teach you a tool for that" and all I want to do is shout

Tell Me NOW!!!

And that's why the first lesson was on going in order...

COME FOLLOW ME

We did parts of the this weeks Come Follow Me lesson throughout the week.

When we watched the bible video, we saw some of the fruits of our labors.

The kids were like, "That's Mary! That's the angel! That's Jesus!"

It was really cool.

Now granted, they maybe think everyone with a beard is Joseph, or Jesus....but ya know.

Next week I'd like to spend a little more time on the scriptures and lesson, a little time each day...

One step at a time.

And remembering that I'm already doing more than I was, so, there's that.

Have a great week next week!

2018 Was Kind of...

Awful. 

Let's face it. 

2017 I tried to handle the grief of losing my sister through blogging everyday, 

and while it helped and I learned so much, it also drove me a little crazy.

Blogging every day was intense. 

2018 I tried to blog again, but every month or so instead of every day. 

I gave up around April. 

These were the goals that I had for 2018. 

Robbie and my friends tried to tell me that I was overly ambitious...

I didn't listen.

Love my eyebrows just the way they are. DO NOT OVER PLUCK!

I became very stressed and ended up picking them until they were almost gone again.

Not as gone as January of last year, but still not as good as they were in April.

Stress is the key factor in keeping my trichotillomania in check. 

Stress doesn't go away, and I don't know if I'll ever be cured by just strength of will 

(because obviously that fails), but I do know that I can continue
trying to handle the stress in my life in a healthy way.

And I have grown to love them, even when they are very sparse.
So I mean, that's good...

 Read my scriptures and pray every day -Get enough rest so I can

I completely failed at half of this. I did not read my scriptures and pray every day, 

but I did work on getting enough rest. Lots, and lots of rest.

I worked on not beating myself up about needing so much.

Handling my grief and depression and raising three crazy kids really takes a lot out of me. 

2018 really was a year of sleep and rest.

But, now with the new Come Follow Me manual and the Home Centered, Church Supported
way of thinking and learning, I'm feeling really encouraged and hopeful.
And so far, this week I've done the reading. And have been getting plenty of rest, so...

Make more time for friends

Oh how I wish I could have done this more. 

But making enough time for myself and taking care of my family took all of my time. 

I'm so grateful for the friends that I do have, who were understanding and loving 

when I flaked or couldn't make something or couldn't even make time to make something. 

 

Crappy friend for sure....trying to be an awesome mom...

 Thank you to my friends who still love me, despite me being unable to make enough time for you.

Make Chasing Shelby something great
Oh dear. The stress of trying to help Jacob succeed in school, and life, and still trying to grieve Shelby's death, I couldn't really bring myself to work on the foundation unless I had to. Every time I would think about it I would start to have an anxiety attack, so I just didn't think about it. 

Write my own piano lesson material
Yep. Here is another over ambitious goal that I didn't have time/make time for.

Do more crafts: finish those t-shirt memory quilts
Still haven't finished one. I got the fabric for the back in February, asked for help in November....
and still haven't touched it. I did wash the back fabric....yeah...

Put things away after I take them out
This one I think I'll have to work on till the day I die. I did not master it this year.
But I did get better, so I mean, there's that.

Exercise
Ha! I literally didn't do ANY intense exercising for an entire year. I walked a few times.
Wow. That's kind of sadly hilarious.

Work on riding the wave better when I'm depressed
THIS! This I did do better on!!! I had a lot of waves, and a lot, A LOT of bad days,
but I didn't completely loose my crap.
I just lost it a little bit.

Start re-learning physical therapy material
Revamp old blog posts
Didn't. Even. Touch.






Now that the year is over, it really wasn't as awful as it felt at times.

I rested. A lot. I've been raising babies and toddlers for the past five years, and I was so tired.
So I slept whenever I could, which was a lot.

I took time for myself and set more boundaries. On Sundays after a long week of getting the kids to school, I would often wake up and cry. I would just go back to bed and Robbie would watch the kids till noon. I felt so guilty, but Robbie was so patient with me. He told me every single time that I needed to rest if I needed it, and God understood.

Now that I'm a little more clear headed and well rested, I can see that and feel that too.
I know God accepts our best efforts, even if we aren't living up to other's expectations.
I know now that I can accept my best efforts, even if they aren't where I want them to be right now.

I started getting the hang of having three kids in school!
Two hours to myself every day from August to December was bliss.

Chasing Shelby was able to donate $8,000 to Valley Children's,
and we had a successful Second Annual Car Show!
That is a HUGE increase! Last year we were only able to done $500.
We couldn't have done it without everyone who came out to support the cause for Spina Bifida.

We had a successful year of piano lessons! I love my students and the joy they bring to my life.

Jacob did choir, which was awesome for all of us!

He is the most hilarious kid ever. We practiced and practiced and practiced.
And when he got up for his Christmas Concert, he forgot everything.
He sang weird, with his mouth over emphasizing the words and vowels.
He put his hands in his pockets, and fiddled with his pants, and his belt, and his tie...
And then he picked his nose.

I was laughing so hard I cried.

I took some time to do something crazy and that I wanted to do. I tried out for a musical!
The Little Mermaid was so much work, and so much fun.

We had a LOT of fun together.

Jacob graduated pre-school!

We had lots of cuddles.

 We loved being the PJ Masks and Night Ninja! And going on their first ferris wheel.

And they loved getting silly stringed...sticky splat!

Well, I guess 2018 wasn't that awful.
It was pretty great.

And 2019 is looking pretty good too.

I have some new goals.
1) Exercise.
I know that I will feel so much better if I do, mentally and physically.
2) Do the Positive Parenting program.
I want to do one section a week, and then share my experience with you and how it helped our family.
3) Do the Come Follow Me curriculum,
This will help me read and pray every day.
It will help us stay focused, and encourage us to study
as a family, as a couple, and as an individual.

So keep in touch! I can't wait to share my experiences.
I will try to do it every week, but obviously we are in the second week now of January and I'm still trying to get started. I'm trying to find the right balance between keeping my goals, but also getting enough sleep and doing things like....

The command center!!!

 Took out the fire place and added a frame

 Added drywall to the outside

 Filled the inside

 Lots of putty

 Sanding and flooring

 Added a bench for storage and backpacks and sport equipment, etc

 Orange peel

 Paint

 Primer

Now to choose a color, paint, and put everything up!

Merry Christmas, happy birthday, and happy anniversary to me!

And a Happy New Year to you.
May this year be filled with more love, understanding, and patience,
with others, but especially,
with yourself.

Love, Understanding, and Hope

Ministering as the Savior Would

 I have been asked so many times about my talk that I gave a few weeks ago in church, and since I'm referencing it in my next post I wanted to share.

I was asked to give a talk on ministering as the Savior would. My first thought, which I said out loud, was "aren't we beating a dead horse?" It feels like every single lesson, every single talk, is on ministering! And the brother that was asking me said the best thing ever. He said, "Interesting. I want you to tell us about it." So I got my stubborn butt up and started thinking about it. I kept dreaming about experiences I'd had in the past few years, I couldn't shake some of these thoughts, so I figured God was trying to tell me something. As I pondered these stories of my life more, I realized that God had been teaching me about ministering as the Savior would all along.

Here's my talk.

         For most of my life I did not have a full testimony, or complete understanding, of service, visiting teaching, or home teaching. I knew that we were commanded to do it, but I had a flawed view of it. I believed that there was a line, and this line separated those who needed help and those who didn’t, those who did their visiting and home teaching and those who didn’t, those that gave service and those who didn't. I was always on one side, the side that didn’t need help. I was on the side that was independent, self reliant, and always able to help others. I was on the side that always did my visiting teaching, but never needed visiting teachers to come see me. I was on the side that never needed help from anyone or anything. 

Boy did God show me I was wrong.

        

Mosiah 4:19 says “Are we not ALL beggars? Do we not ALL depend upon the same Being, even God”? Well the answer is yes, we all need the Savior, and we all need help, in some degree, at one time or another. So I’d like to share with you a few experiences that God gave me to help teach me that there is no line separating those who need help and those who don’t, and also how to minister as the Savior would.

        

The first experience that really rocked my world was when I was pregnant with the twins. I was put on bed rest, and Jacob had to be taken care of by others so I wouldn’t go into labor early. For the first time in my life I literally couldn’t do something, and needed someone else’s help, and a lot of it. Every day Robbie would take Jacob to someone’s house and they would watch him all day, and then Robbie would pick him up on his way home from work. Then Robbie would take care of him the rest of the night, and then take care of me and the house. This went on for months, and all I could do was sit there, be an incubator, and accept the help. It hurt, needing so much help. I thought great, I’m on “THAT” side of the line, I’m one of the people who needs help.

        

In John chapter 13 we read about how Jesus washed his apostle’s feet. 

Can you only imagine? Jesus, the Savior, the one who will atone for your sins, is also washing your feet? Would you say as Peter did, no, you can’t wash my feet. No, I can do that. No, I’m on this side of the line, the side that doesn’t need any help. Then Jesus said to him, “If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me”. Then Peter said, don’t stop at my feet, wash my head and hands too! And then Jesus said as I’ve washed your feet, go and wash one another’s. 

There is no line between those that need help and those that don’t. 

We all need help, of varying degrees, at one time or another. 

The second experience was also while I was pregnant with the twins and on bed rest. Jacob was sick, and he was going up to Coarsegold with my parents for the weekend. I sent up the prescription we had filled, but forgot to send up fever reducers. We got a call in the middle of the night: Jacob’s fever had spiked, and my mom didn’t have any infant medicine. By the time she got back from buying some, his fever had gotten too high and he had a febril seizure. They had called 911, and an ambulance had taken him to Children’s Hospital. Robbie went to meet them, and I freaked out. I had no idea what a febril seizure was, and being extremely pregnant and hormonal I thought my son was going to die. I didn’t want to be alone, waiting, not knowing what was going to happen. My friend popped into my head, and despite being past midnight, I called her. She talked to me, comforted me, distracted me, and waited with me for news. I felt like she was there holding me, but she was really just on the phone.

Jacob was fine, I learned all about febril seizures, and how expensive ambulances are…She was there for me, even at an inconvenient time, and even though my fears were completely irrational.

The third experience is similar to the second. My mom was there for me at an inconvenient time. Shortly after the twins were born, Robbie caught a nasty 24 hour bug. A few hours later Jacob had it, then the twins, then I started to get queasy. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew that I couldn’t take care of those babies if I was going to be as sick as Robbie was. So I called my mom, and without skipping a beat she said “I’ll be right there.” She was just getting off work, and she lived 45 minutes away, so that gave me 45 minutes to regret asking her for help. I opened the door sobbing, apologizing for having her come all this way just to get sick. She said “don’t you worry about it. Give me those babies.” I did, and then I ran to the bathroom. She stayed up all night taking care of us, then kissed me goodbye in the morning and headed to work. I asked her later if she had gotten sick, and she said “yes, but it was only a 24 hour bug, no big deal.” I apologized again, and she said “You don’t have to be sorry, I will always be there for you.”

Mosiah 18: 8-9 reads “As ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places.” 

There will be times when we are the bearers, we are the comforters, and we are the ones standing steadfastly. But there will be times when we are in need of bearing, we are in need of comfort, and we need others to help strengthen our feeble knees. 

We must do service, and also accept service.

The fourth experience is ongoing. My untreated post partum depression turned into full blown depression and anxiety. Anti depressants, therapy, and three years of hard work have gotten me here, to where I recognize the girl in the mirror and can be happy again. But there were a lot of rough times along the way. 

Because of my depression I did things that I had never done before, and that I had judged others for doing. I dropped the ball. A lot. And I couldn’t get back on it to save my life. I couldn’t get out of bed, and I hated getting dressed and going anywhere. I couldn’t care. I became a flake, and couldn’t handle the anxiety of phone calls or texts or play dates or things that weren’t 100% necessary. I had a hard time following through on things, and sometimes just couldn’t do them at all. I was doing things poorly, not able to do things 100%. I wasn’t meeting my expectations, or others. I was late to almost everything that I did go to because I could barely get myself to go at all.

I still have bad days, days where everything I just listed happens. And I used to hate this trial. I thought cancer would be better because then people wouldn’t be so judgmental. You can see cancer, and chemo. But often times when people looked at me, instead of seeing sick they saw quitter, incompetent, flake. 

I had to learn that that wasn’t who I was. I had to learn to love myself, even though I was sick and not fully myself. I had to accept that Christ loves me unconditionally, no matter what. I used to hate this trial, but now, on good days, I thank God for it. Because it has shown me how to love myself unconditionally, to be understanding and patient when I’m not able to do everything I think I should or could. 

It has shown me how deeply my Savior loves me, 

and how understanding and patient He is with me. 

And it has shown me how to be loving, 

and understanding, and patient with others.

Romans 3:23 reads “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” We cannot expect others or ourselves to be perfect! No one is. This kind of unattainable expectation only leads to judgment, pride, and anger. My experiences have taught me that life is easier and more beautiful when we can see the good in other people, instead of focusing on the bad. And that life is so much simpler when we allow others and ourselves to be inadequate and not expect perfection. When we accept our best efforts, and the efforts of others, whether it be their best or not.

“We’re supposed to be WORKING on perfection, not beating ourselves up for not being there yet.” “If our attempts are but feeble, they will make us better and nobler than if we made no effort whatsoever.” Sister Holland said “We must have the courage to be imperfect.” We have to try ministering, even though our attempts may be feeble and imperfect.

President Nelson said “This ministering concept is not just a different name for home teaching and visiting teaching. It is a different concept. It really is a higher and holier way that we want our people to LIVE, because we want them to LIVE as the Lord would LIVE and LOVE...”

        

President Monson said “Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life.” He also said “What is most important almost always involves the people around us. NEVER let a problem to be solved (or may I add an imperfection or inability to meet expectations) become more important than a person to be loved.” This requires so much patience. Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different way than the one we had in mind.

So who do we love? Who do we minister to? Jesus shared the parable of the good Samaritan when asked who is my neighbor? President Kimball said “We must remember that those mortals we meet in parking offices, elevators, and elsewhere are that portion of mankind that God has given us to LOVE AND TO SERVE.” Everyone who crosses our path is our neighbor, not just those we are assigned to.

Elder Holland said of ministering I “suggest that you not wait for many more instructions, just jump into the pool and swim.” So lets do it. Lets minister the way the Savior would, to those we are assigned to and to everyone that comes into our life. Lets minister by showing unconditional love, understanding, and patience, to ourselves and to others, the way Jesus does for us, especially when we mess up. Let’s jump in. Let’s remember that we all fall short, and that we all need help.

I am so grateful for the trials and experiences God has given me to teach me. I have a testimony of ministering, and I have a testimony of my Savior. I know Jesus lives, I know he atoned for our sins and that he experienced everything we did so He could know how to comfort and help us through this life. I’m so grateful for Him and His perfect example. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.