"Today, become willing to remember.

...

Whether you realize it or not, you have lived many lives, and each one has left an indelible mark on your soul. I'm not referring to reincarnation. I'm referring to the episodic way in which our lives evolve: childhood, adolescence, college years or early career, marriages, motherhood...At each stage in our lives, we have both laughter and tears. But more important for our interests, we develop personal preferences. 

Each life experience leaves a layer of memory like a deposit of sediment: things we've loved and moments of contentment we've cherished that when recalled, reveal glimmers of our true selves.

Some women are hesitant to recall their past because they're afraid they'll dredge up painful memories. 

But just as each illness brings a gift for us if we will look for it, so each painful memory comes bearing a peace offering.

There is nothing to fear. 

The past asks only to be remembered."

And to be learned from.

***

Gratitude Journal

***

1) Sundays. I love Sundays. I love that we've chosen to try and make it a day of rest, of service, of family, of remembering Christ and learning of him.

2) Church. And church pews. And little toddlers who have now realized that they can fit perfectly under all of them.

3) A village. It literally takes a village to raise a kid. I have a great village.

Passed out in Primary...

4) Soup. On a rainy day, getting all your protein and vegetables in one pot with warm cheesy goodness? Yum.

5) Singing with my cousins. Every week we just get more and more in sync, and better and better. Super cool. We are freaking awesome.

February 18th - Live to the Fullest

"A safari of the self and Spirit is at times lonely. 

But we know we are never alone.

...

Each day in the wilderness brings with it the struggle to survive 

and a heightened awareness of how wonderful it is 

just to see the sun set and rise again in the morning. 

Each day on safari is lived to the fullest because it is all that is guaranteed.

If only we could learn this lesson as well in our everyday lives.

...

Expect to have hope rekindled.

Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. 

The dry seasons in life do not last.

The spring rains will come again."

This is a short day. 

When I first read this I didn't really care about today. 

But this year, this hit me. 

It's like Sarah is reading my mind, knowing exactly what to say each day, knowing exactly how I'm feeling.

It doesn't matter how much you read about death, or the grieving process, at least not for me. It doesn't matter how prepared you are, how much you know it is going to hurt, how you know it'll take time to heal...because even when you think you're prepared, you're not.

I thought that I was ready for my sister to die. It had been more than 2 years since she had her shunt replaced, and I remember that first night when she wasn't doing well. I was pregnant with the twins (getting pretty severely large), and around 10 pm Robbie got a call from my dad. She wasn't doing well and she needed a blessing. I thought I was going to lose my sister, and I couldn't handle it. I called a friend and she came and sat with me so I wouldn't be alone, waiting for more news. I prayed, I wanted God's will done, but I wanted my sister to be here with me. I wanted more time with her. I knew it was selfish, but I wasn't ready to lose her.

I can't help thinking that my prayer was answered, and that's why she suffered more than 2 years...

I know that's not true, but I can't help but think that.

I know where she is, I know she isn't suffering anymore, and I know that I can be with her again if I can live worthily because our family is sealed together...

But it takes time for your heart to know what your brain already does. The hurt is so unbelievably unbearable, I can't even imagine what it's like for my parents. You feel so alone, even though you know you're not. 

This year I guess part of my safari is trying to come to terms with the fact that my sister is no longer here. 

The struggle to survive? Tell me about it.

But the sunrise...I mean how gorgeous. The rain as it falls on the wind chimes and the sound it makes. The sunlight and blue sky after a rainy day coming in through the windows as your rock and sing to your babies to bring you joy. 

And the feeling of hope coming back into my life. 

Instead of the sadness that grips your heart, only being able to think of the things you wish you could fix, suddenly you start to be okay with it. The sadness starts to loosen it's grip, and you start to remember the love and start to accept that there are things you can't change and just try to live each day a little better.

Trying to live my life to the fullest.  

***

Gratitude Journal

***

1) Saturdays. Who doesn't love Saturdays. We weren't terribly productive today, but we spent time together, and it was good.

2) I really took to heart that I have to step up and be a better mom when it comes to disciplining my kids. When I say to stop doing something like "don't hit your sister" or "don't throw that, it's not a ball, you'll hurt someone" and then they do it, if they've already had a warning I need to take them to time out. After a few timeouts I need to take them upstairs to their rooms for some alone time. I need to get up and stop whatever it is I'm doing so I can help them when they're angry to walk away. I need to not yell, it doesn't do anyone any good. I did that today, and it helped, a lot.

3) The Office. And Jim Gaffigan. Clean comedy is freaking hilarious.

4) Robbie. He did our taxes and made sure everything is in order, and he did it right...if he hadn't we would have owed like $2,000. Now we only owe like $300...Thank you Robbie.

5) Good books. Have you ever read The Great Apostasy? Oh my goodness. I love it so much, it's like logic, written over 100 years ago. I'll read something that I didn't know and my mind will make the connection and I'll out loud go "Oh my goodness! Robbie, did you read this!?". 

February 17th - Safari

Safari is the Swahili word for journey. 

When I think of safari I think of Crocodile Dundee. 

It is "to leave the comfort and safety of civilization to venture into the wilderness. 

Each time you listen to the woman within-your authentic self-you do the same. 

Remind yourself of this often."

You are going on a safari of self and spirit.

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. 

What you'll discover will be wonderful. 

What you'll discover will be yourself."

-Alan Alda

***

Gratitude Journal

***

1) Parenting. Parenting sucks sometimes. I really hate days like this. These beautiful little kids who look at you and laugh when you tell them to stop doing something, or you spank them trying to discipline them because nothing else has worked, and they again laugh at you because it didn't even hurt...but I'm glad that they are mine to try and teach. They learn, I learn, and at the end of a hard day we just love each other.

2) Jam. And good friends who have the tastiest orange tree and whose stove broke so she HAD to come to my house and make my house smell amazing...friends and jam, what more could you ask for?

Photo courtesy of https://jennyhansenphotography.smugmug.com

3) Sushi. I had my birthday early. With my best friend. It helped get me through the day, knowing I had a great night out planned. I had $26 worth of sushi, and yes it was amazing, and yes it was worth it. 

And crocheting in the car, sitting under a light. And my shoes matched the couch.

4) Today was Friday. It was a productive and good day, even with all that was hard. 

5) Ending the night with a movie and cuddling with Robbie, on top of everything else. And tomorrow is Saturday. Happy early birthday to me. Thanks everyone and everything.