February 18th - Live to the Fullest

"A safari of the self and Spirit is at times lonely. 

But we know we are never alone.

...

Each day in the wilderness brings with it the struggle to survive 

and a heightened awareness of how wonderful it is 

just to see the sun set and rise again in the morning. 

Each day on safari is lived to the fullest because it is all that is guaranteed.

If only we could learn this lesson as well in our everyday lives.

...

Expect to have hope rekindled.

Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. 

The dry seasons in life do not last.

The spring rains will come again."

This is a short day. 

When I first read this I didn't really care about today. 

But this year, this hit me. 

It's like Sarah is reading my mind, knowing exactly what to say each day, knowing exactly how I'm feeling.

It doesn't matter how much you read about death, or the grieving process, at least not for me. It doesn't matter how prepared you are, how much you know it is going to hurt, how you know it'll take time to heal...because even when you think you're prepared, you're not.

I thought that I was ready for my sister to die. It had been more than 2 years since she had her shunt replaced, and I remember that first night when she wasn't doing well. I was pregnant with the twins (getting pretty severely large), and around 10 pm Robbie got a call from my dad. She wasn't doing well and she needed a blessing. I thought I was going to lose my sister, and I couldn't handle it. I called a friend and she came and sat with me so I wouldn't be alone, waiting for more news. I prayed, I wanted God's will done, but I wanted my sister to be here with me. I wanted more time with her. I knew it was selfish, but I wasn't ready to lose her.

I can't help thinking that my prayer was answered, and that's why she suffered more than 2 years...

I know that's not true, but I can't help but think that.

I know where she is, I know she isn't suffering anymore, and I know that I can be with her again if I can live worthily because our family is sealed together...

But it takes time for your heart to know what your brain already does. The hurt is so unbelievably unbearable, I can't even imagine what it's like for my parents. You feel so alone, even though you know you're not. 

This year I guess part of my safari is trying to come to terms with the fact that my sister is no longer here. 

The struggle to survive? Tell me about it.

But the sunrise...I mean how gorgeous. The rain as it falls on the wind chimes and the sound it makes. The sunlight and blue sky after a rainy day coming in through the windows as your rock and sing to your babies to bring you joy. 

And the feeling of hope coming back into my life. 

Instead of the sadness that grips your heart, only being able to think of the things you wish you could fix, suddenly you start to be okay with it. The sadness starts to loosen it's grip, and you start to remember the love and start to accept that there are things you can't change and just try to live each day a little better.

Trying to live my life to the fullest.  

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Gratitude Journal

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1) Saturdays. Who doesn't love Saturdays. We weren't terribly productive today, but we spent time together, and it was good.

2) I really took to heart that I have to step up and be a better mom when it comes to disciplining my kids. When I say to stop doing something like "don't hit your sister" or "don't throw that, it's not a ball, you'll hurt someone" and then they do it, if they've already had a warning I need to take them to time out. After a few timeouts I need to take them upstairs to their rooms for some alone time. I need to get up and stop whatever it is I'm doing so I can help them when they're angry to walk away. I need to not yell, it doesn't do anyone any good. I did that today, and it helped, a lot.

3) The Office. And Jim Gaffigan. Clean comedy is freaking hilarious.

4) Robbie. He did our taxes and made sure everything is in order, and he did it right...if he hadn't we would have owed like $2,000. Now we only owe like $300...Thank you Robbie.

5) Good books. Have you ever read The Great Apostasy? Oh my goodness. I love it so much, it's like logic, written over 100 years ago. I'll read something that I didn't know and my mind will make the connection and I'll out loud go "Oh my goodness! Robbie, did you read this!?".