One definition of simple is fundamental, and one definition of abundance is plentifulness, or wealth. Fundamental plenty, fundamental wealth...but not wealth in terms of dollars and cents. 

Sarah starts off with something called internal locus of control. She says "become aware that you already possess all the inner wisdom, strength, and creativity needed to make your dreams come true." She is a true believer that having an internal locus of control will propel you to a life of contentment, and I totally agree. 

She talks about how it's often hard to realize how awesome and amazing we truly are because it gets buried by all the worries and responsibilities of daily life like bills, deadlines, laundry to name a few (do you have any idea how much laundry I do with three kids three and under? Some days there is literally a mountain almost as tall as my shoulders). 

Because of all this we have learned to rely on external things to bring us change or happiness, but "we can learn to be the catalysts for our own change" and "you already possess all you need to be genuinely happy". Learning anything is hard to do, especially when you have to unlearn something in order to learn something new. To get this you'll have to have an "emotional, psychological, and spiritual transformation...[with a]deep inner shift in your reality."

She then talks about Spirit, and how this is only possible when you "invite Spirit to open up the eyes of your awareness to the abundance that is already yours." 

I think she's totally right. I think that the Spirit is the Holy Ghost, but it can also be your conscious, or the "universe"...I think that they talk to us, or try to, and we just have to listen and ask the right questions. 

"By the power of the Spirit our eyes were opened and our understandings were enlightened" - D&C

When you think about agency and accountability, that fits more with internal locus of control too, that you are in charge of your choices that you make...which I think is really cool. How awful would it be to think that everything that happened to you was out of your control? Obviously some things are out of your control...

There are 6 principles that Sarah highlights that will "when woven together, produce a tapestry of contentment that wraps us in inner peace, well-being, happiness, and a sense of security."

Gratitude

Simplicity

Order

Harmony

Beauty

Joy

She ends with "be still", be patient. This is not just a year long journey, it's an entire lifetime and then some. 

January 2nd - Questions

Today was a rough day. Something about it still being vacation was throwing me off, and the kids were on point today. Hitting, screaming, crying, the works. Exercise probably would have helped.

Sarah quoted a German poet Rainer Maria Rilke, who said "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now..."

I feel like there are a lot of unexplainable and unresolved things in this world because there are so many difficult and unanswered questions in each of our hearts that we don't take the time to ask. 

I tried to focus on the questions that I asked myself today. Why is being a loving mother so hard when I just got hit in the face with a tea cup and a two year old just screamed in my ear in defiance? Why did that little boy tell Jacob to his face that he didn't like him? Why were the other little boys happy when we left? I've been out of the world for what feels like forever, can I really be a physical therapist? Do I want to anymore? Is that still what I want to do when all three kids are in school in about 3-4 years? Why am I so sad today?

Each time I asked myself a question I tried to just live it. It's hard to be a mom, but it's the hard things that make us grow. It's okay that they're upset, and it's okay that I'm upset. I love my son, maybe the other boys just didn't get to see what I see. I have 3-4 years to figure out exactly what I want to do, physical therapy still feels right, and no matter what it's going to be okay. It's okay to be sad today, let your sad flag fly and be happy that this sad day is over. Tomorrow is a new day, and it will start with an intense workout that will make me forget anything except that I hurt and a long overdue visit with a dear friend.

Sarah talked about how you can't get answers to questions you don't ask, and sometimes you have to wait for the right questions to come to you. She also said "Become open to the changes that the answers will inevitably bring."

I totally thought about prayer. When we pray we have to ask the right questions, and if we don't know which question to ask or if we're not getting an answer to our questions we can always ask for a little inspiration: why not ask for a little help in getting to the right question? 

And then of course, we won't get an answer if we aren't praying with a sincere heart and real intent. Why would God tell you what he wants you to do if he knows you're not going to do it? We need to be open to any answer, and ready to do it whenever it comes. If you haven't gotten an answer yet there is a good reason, either the answer is wait I'll tell you when you need to know or you're not ready for the answer so maybe you should work on some things etc etc... 

"What things soever you desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." - NT

"Ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation...And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." - BOM

I have come to believe that everything is intertwined, that we can see how everything works the same way if we just look. Praying to Heavenly Father and asking him questions, and asking ourselves questions, should follow the same pattern. 

We need to question. We need to ask. We need to exercise a little patience with ourselves as we wait for the answers, and be okay with the reality that we don't know what the answer is yet. We also need to be patient and remember that everything, even questions,  come line upon line, precept on precept. 

January 1st - Believe in Yourself

A couple years ago I read a book called "Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I got this book at a swap, and I thought maybe one day I'll get to it...

There are so many self help books out there, why this one? Because I got it at a swap. It's like fate brought it into my life, like it knew one day I would need it and knew that I would never pay for a book I didn't know with absolute certainty that it would help. So because I got it for free I tried it, but I had just had twins at the time and my three littles took up my entire life. I read it, loved it, tried to apply it, but didn't really do so successfully. 

2016 was a really rough year. I don't think I told many people (it's kind of a sensitive subject), but I went back on anti-depressants. I want to share this with you in the hopes that if there is anyone else out there like me that maybe they'll go get help.

I had postpartum depression really bad with Jacob, and was put on the generic of Lexapro. Well like an idiot I used one bottle and felt fine and then 6 months later we were pregnant with twins. My hormones and mental health were kind of all over the place from when I got pregnant with Jacob at the end of 2012 until a couple months ago 2016...I felt fine, even after the twins were born in 2014 I didn't feel anything like I felt after Jacob was born...at least not until a couple months later. And it hit me hard. Again, I went back on the antidepressants, finished one bottle, and convinced myself I was fine (about March 2015)...but I wasn't. In March 2016 I looked really hard at my life: I was trying so hard to be happy and grateful for everything I had, but I was still sad and had really bad anxiety. I was doing everything I was supposed to do, exercising and eating right, talking and not holding stuff in, having friends, taking care of myself, read this self help book last year, saying no and setting boundaries, cutting out things that stressed me out etc etc. I was doing everything I was supposed to and still I felt empty, so I decided to go to the doctor and they put me back on Lexapro. They said any feelings of relief I felt after the one bottle I took after both pregnancies were placebo affects and that it won't start really working for a couple months. 

Somewhere in July and August I started to look in the mirror and actually see myself again. One day I literally looked in the mirror and said out loud "Hi!". It has been so hard to accept that I needed medical help, that my brain was sick and my hormones were out of wack and that it couldn't be fixed just because I wished it would. No matter how much I prayed it wasn't going to help, like that story about the guy in the flood praying for help. A boat came along and the guy said no I'm waiting for God to save me, a helicopter came along and the guy said no I'm waiting for God to save me, he reaches the pearly gates and asks God why didn't you save me? God says I sent you a boat and a helicopter...why didn't you take them? I totally feel like it's the same thing. 

The doctor said I don't have to be on them forever, that most people go 3-5 years, some less, and their bodies start to work correctly again. It's still hard though, acknowledging that, through no fault of my own, I need help. Why is that? You get a broken bone and then can't do anything for a couple months while it heals and you say oh I have a broken bone it's no big deal, but you go on anti depressants and you feel like the whole world is judging you saying why can't you be happy without drugs? That's another reason I wanted to share, to try and shake the stigma surrounding mental health. It's okay that I'm on anti depressants, it's good that I went and got help when I was sick, and I feel so much better for it. 

On that note: 2017 is a new year. My kids are now all running and the twins are almost talking and everyone is learning to clean up after themselves and Jacob is potty trained so I have 1/3 less diapers in this home etc etc. Little babies are hard, and toddlers are hard too but in a different way. I've felt it in the last couple months that it's time for a shift. It's time to start living life instead of just surviving it.

So here we go! Kind of like Julie and Julia I'm going to write about my simple abundance journey this year. This is one of my goals, to really try and apply this, to take a gospel centered spin on it, to keep a record of it and share it with you in hopes that if it really helps me it can help you too.

I don't think all my posts will be this long, short sweet and to the point would probably be good. Like a kiss, you just know when it's done. Probably something I need to work on, I do tend to babble on.

"Only dreams give birth to change." -SBB

"And according to his faith there was a mighty change wrought in his heart."-BOM

"But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord."- NT

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." - NT

When I read today's page, Sarah said "Believe in yourself", and I immediately thought of the book that I read and loved "Believing Christ". I think that the two go hand in hand. How can you believe in Christ and not believe in yourself? 

I think believing in yourself means that you believe you can become something amazing, that you can do something amazing, that you are amazing...To become implies a change from what you were to what you want to be. Why do you need to change if you're already amazing? Because we are the natural man, and with that comes flaws. Like a baby, you shouldn't just let kids do what ever they want. We teach them self control, manners, respect, love...we teach them to change from what they are to what they can become. 

From my personal experiences in this life I know that we need to change, that we need to continually learn and grow, or else we waste away into something awful. You have two options, change for better or change for worse, there is no such thing as just standing still. If you're not actively changing for the better, (or actively changing for the worse) then you are stagnant which automatically means you are changing for the worse. The good news is no matter where you are or what you've done you can always change for the better. 

Sarah said "Only dreams give birth to change." Dreams come in many different forms I think. Dreams can be thoughts, something you see or read, an idea, a prompting. That's where it all starts. What is your dream? My dream is to be more loving and to be better. To be a better mother, wife, friend, be better to myself and to strangers around me. I dream of a happy life with growth and progress, and lots and lots and lots of love. It may sound a bit sappy but there it is. That's my dream for this year. I can't wait to see what kind of changes this dream will give birth to.

Happy New Year Everyone