January 1st - Believe in Yourself

Sunday, January 1, 2017

A couple years ago I read a book called "Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I got this book at a swap, and I thought maybe one day I'll get to it...

There are so many self help books out there, why this one? Because I got it at a swap. It's like fate brought it into my life, like it knew one day I would need it and knew that I would never pay for a book I didn't know with absolute certainty that it would help. So because I got it for free I tried it, but I had just had twins at the time and my three littles took up my entire life. I read it, loved it, tried to apply it, but didn't really do so successfully. 

2016 was a really rough year. I don't think I told many people (it's kind of a sensitive subject), but I went back on anti-depressants. I want to share this with you in the hopes that if there is anyone else out there like me that maybe they'll go get help.

I had postpartum depression really bad with Jacob, and was put on the generic of Lexapro. Well like an idiot I used one bottle and felt fine and then 6 months later we were pregnant with twins. My hormones and mental health were kind of all over the place from when I got pregnant with Jacob at the end of 2012 until a couple months ago 2016...I felt fine, even after the twins were born in 2014 I didn't feel anything like I felt after Jacob was born...at least not until a couple months later. And it hit me hard. Again, I went back on the antidepressants, finished one bottle, and convinced myself I was fine (about March 2015)...but I wasn't. In March 2016 I looked really hard at my life: I was trying so hard to be happy and grateful for everything I had, but I was still sad and had really bad anxiety. I was doing everything I was supposed to do, exercising and eating right, talking and not holding stuff in, having friends, taking care of myself, read this self help book last year, saying no and setting boundaries, cutting out things that stressed me out etc etc. I was doing everything I was supposed to and still I felt empty, so I decided to go to the doctor and they put me back on Lexapro. They said any feelings of relief I felt after the one bottle I took after both pregnancies were placebo affects and that it won't start really working for a couple months. 

Somewhere in July and August I started to look in the mirror and actually see myself again. One day I literally looked in the mirror and said out loud "Hi!". It has been so hard to accept that I needed medical help, that my brain was sick and my hormones were out of wack and that it couldn't be fixed just because I wished it would. No matter how much I prayed it wasn't going to help, like that story about the guy in the flood praying for help. A boat came along and the guy said no I'm waiting for God to save me, a helicopter came along and the guy said no I'm waiting for God to save me, he reaches the pearly gates and asks God why didn't you save me? God says I sent you a boat and a helicopter...why didn't you take them? I totally feel like it's the same thing. 

The doctor said I don't have to be on them forever, that most people go 3-5 years, some less, and their bodies start to work correctly again. It's still hard though, acknowledging that, through no fault of my own, I need help. Why is that? You get a broken bone and then can't do anything for a couple months while it heals and you say oh I have a broken bone it's no big deal, but you go on anti depressants and you feel like the whole world is judging you saying why can't you be happy without drugs? That's another reason I wanted to share, to try and shake the stigma surrounding mental health. It's okay that I'm on anti depressants, it's good that I went and got help when I was sick, and I feel so much better for it. 

On that note: 2017 is a new year. My kids are now all running and the twins are almost talking and everyone is learning to clean up after themselves and Jacob is potty trained so I have 1/3 less diapers in this home etc etc. Little babies are hard, and toddlers are hard too but in a different way. I've felt it in the last couple months that it's time for a shift. It's time to start living life instead of just surviving it.

So here we go! Kind of like Julie and Julia I'm going to write about my simple abundance journey this year. This is one of my goals, to really try and apply this, to take a gospel centered spin on it, to keep a record of it and share it with you in hopes that if it really helps me it can help you too.

I don't think all my posts will be this long, short sweet and to the point would probably be good. Like a kiss, you just know when it's done. Probably something I need to work on, I do tend to babble on.

"Only dreams give birth to change." -SBB

"And according to his faith there was a mighty change wrought in his heart."-BOM

"But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord."- NT

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." - NT

When I read today's page, Sarah said "Believe in yourself", and I immediately thought of the book that I read and loved "Believing Christ". I think that the two go hand in hand. How can you believe in Christ and not believe in yourself? 

I think believing in yourself means that you believe you can become something amazing, that you can do something amazing, that you are amazing...To become implies a change from what you were to what you want to be. Why do you need to change if you're already amazing? Because we are the natural man, and with that comes flaws. Like a baby, you shouldn't just let kids do what ever they want. We teach them self control, manners, respect, love...we teach them to change from what they are to what they can become. 

From my personal experiences in this life I know that we need to change, that we need to continually learn and grow, or else we waste away into something awful. You have two options, change for better or change for worse, there is no such thing as just standing still. If you're not actively changing for the better, (or actively changing for the worse) then you are stagnant which automatically means you are changing for the worse. The good news is no matter where you are or what you've done you can always change for the better. 

Sarah said "Only dreams give birth to change." Dreams come in many different forms I think. Dreams can be thoughts, something you see or read, an idea, a prompting. That's where it all starts. What is your dream? My dream is to be more loving and to be better. To be a better mother, wife, friend, be better to myself and to strangers around me. I dream of a happy life with growth and progress, and lots and lots and lots of love. It may sound a bit sappy but there it is. That's my dream for this year. I can't wait to see what kind of changes this dream will give birth to.

Happy New Year Everyone