Today was a rough day. Something about it still being vacation was throwing me off, and the kids were on point today. Hitting, screaming, crying, the works. Exercise probably would have helped.
Sarah quoted a German poet Rainer Maria Rilke, who said "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now..."
I feel like there are a lot of unexplainable and unresolved things in this world because there are so many difficult and unanswered questions in each of our hearts that we don't take the time to ask.
I tried to focus on the questions that I asked myself today. Why is being a loving mother so hard when I just got hit in the face with a tea cup and a two year old just screamed in my ear in defiance? Why did that little boy tell Jacob to his face that he didn't like him? Why were the other little boys happy when we left? I've been out of the world for what feels like forever, can I really be a physical therapist? Do I want to anymore? Is that still what I want to do when all three kids are in school in about 3-4 years? Why am I so sad today?
Each time I asked myself a question I tried to just live it. It's hard to be a mom, but it's the hard things that make us grow. It's okay that they're upset, and it's okay that I'm upset. I love my son, maybe the other boys just didn't get to see what I see. I have 3-4 years to figure out exactly what I want to do, physical therapy still feels right, and no matter what it's going to be okay. It's okay to be sad today, let your sad flag fly and be happy that this sad day is over. Tomorrow is a new day, and it will start with an intense workout that will make me forget anything except that I hurt and a long overdue visit with a dear friend.
Sarah talked about how you can't get answers to questions you don't ask, and sometimes you have to wait for the right questions to come to you. She also said "Become open to the changes that the answers will inevitably bring."
I totally thought about prayer. When we pray we have to ask the right questions, and if we don't know which question to ask or if we're not getting an answer to our questions we can always ask for a little inspiration: why not ask for a little help in getting to the right question?
And then of course, we won't get an answer if we aren't praying with a sincere heart and real intent. Why would God tell you what he wants you to do if he knows you're not going to do it? We need to be open to any answer, and ready to do it whenever it comes. If you haven't gotten an answer yet there is a good reason, either the answer is wait I'll tell you when you need to know or you're not ready for the answer so maybe you should work on some things etc etc...
"What things soever you desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." - NT
"Ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation...And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." - BOM
I have come to believe that everything is intertwined, that we can see how everything works the same way if we just look. Praying to Heavenly Father and asking him questions, and asking ourselves questions, should follow the same pattern.
We need to question. We need to ask. We need to exercise a little patience with ourselves as we wait for the answers, and be okay with the reality that we don't know what the answer is yet. We also need to be patient and remember that everything, even questions, come line upon line, precept on precept.
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