I have always, ALWAYS, had the hardest time with follow through. 

I never finish anything. 

(That may be a bit of an exaggeration...but not by much) 

I get so overwhelmed and put way too much on my plate, 

and then the plate falls...and everything falls with it.

 

My eyes are almost always bigger than my stomach.

And all of a sudden my whole world falls apart, and I try to pick it back up,

and I get most of it back on the plate, and then it falls.

Again.

It's like I never learn. 

I never learn that you can't put too much on your plate.

The problem is my perfectionist side says "this is not too much, 

this is what you're supposed to be doing or want to be doing." 

Well, for some reason, I still can't do it. 

I can't do what I expect myself to do, what other's expect me to do, 

and then I can never fully pick up the pieces before they all fall apart again...

and again...and again...

I've been struggling with the concept of failure. 

I know that failure is a learning process, 

but in my brain if something goes wrong I feel this stabbing in my heart. 

Failure is like a knife, stabbing me, again and again and again. 

But failure shouldn't be like knife, it should be more like a refining fire. 

 

Sometimes it's going to hurt, like a mother, but it's not bad...

Trying to rewire your brain to see and feel your mistakes and mishaps and failures 

as stepping stones and opportunities for growth is REALLY hard.

Well here I am. 

Again.

Everything has fallen, but this time I didn't pick up the pieces.

I was so excited for my new years resolutions. 

I was going to get these habits down and change my life. 

And as always, I put way too much on my plate. 

You want to know how many habits I wanted 

to add or change in my life, and right away? 

Eighteen. 

I was going to do them for 30 days and change my life for good. 

I never was able to do all 18 in one day, cause life just happens. 

I gave up after 10 days. To be fair, I think I got sick somewhere in there...

I got pretty down on myself. 

I wanted so badly to succeed. 

But success is what we define it as.

I love this definition: success is being happy and healthy.

Then Covid happened and the kids were at home 

and I was in charge of teaching them.

 

Then I got sick, like deathly ill. 

Robbie had to take care of me and the kids for a week 

because I couldn't get out of bed, or stop coughing. 

I think I had covid, but because I didn't have a fever or loss of taste 

they didn't want me to take a test. No worries that I had every other

 symptom and literally couldn't breathe because I couldn't 

stop coughing and felt like I was dying. 

No fever, no worries.

 

 

Then Robbie got a Plain Jane cold, 

and it took me a month to start feeling healthy and like myself again. 

Then we had to catch up on all the school work, and I learned 

Jacob was really REALLY behind and I got so mad. 

Why didn't I know? 

Why wasn't the teacher sending home homework 

that would help him with things he was struggling with? 

 

So doing the homework wasn't just okay lets do this homework page...

it was let me teach you this principle and this concept, 

and then you have to apply it. 

It was torturous, because I didn't just have to teach the things 

he was being asked to do. I had to teach him all the stuff before it. 

I had to break what he thought he knew,

and rebuild that foundation all over again the right way.

 

What the hell was he doing in school? 

But we made it through.

The school year was over.

And we have had all summer to keep working on those 

foundational principles and really cement them in so he can apply them.

And then I felt like I wanted to do one of my life changing habits. 

I saw this quote about being more intentional and consistant... 

 

“We live intentionally when we think deeply about why we do what we do 

and make the conscious and deliberate effort to incorporate our 

beliefs and values into every aspect of our daily lives.” 

Now I want to try and not put too much on my plate too soon. 

I want to learn to balance one thing, make it a habit, 

so it doesn't seem like a burden when other things are added.

I chose the one thing that I thought would help me the most.

 

Prayer.

And you won't believe the miracles that I have seen.

They may not be very big to you, but they have been life changing to me.

I've had a testimony of this truth before, 

but it always hits me like a ton of bricks every time I see it. 

God's arm is always outstretched. 

It doesn't matter how far we stray from Him, 

he is always there and ready for us to come back. 

 

I got down on my knees and just talked to Him. 

I told Him what he already knew, 

that I have such a hard time praying because I feel like 

I have nothing to say. So I told Him about my plan for making 

prayer a habit. One prayer, every day, for 30 days. 

It doesn't have to be a great prayer, or long, 

it doesn't have to have super specifics, 

I just need to be consistent first and foremost. 

I figure all that other stuff will come with time, like being intentional. 

The very first day that I invited Him into my life, heart, and home,
I felt His love and presence through the day. 

Like I said, it doesn't matter how far or how long we stay away, 

His arm is stretched out still. 

 

Life hasn't been rainbows and butterflies, 

and sometimes my prayers are super short, like 

"thank you that I woke up alive, 

please help me not to kill me kids, 

in Jesus name amen." 

Another little miracle was Jacob. 

About a week in Robbie watched a scripture video 

with them about Abraham and Isaac. 

Later that day Jacob prayed that we would have faith, 

and I about cried. 

 

One of the reasons I have such a hard time being consistent in my prayers, 

besides that it's hard for me for some reason, 

is that I just don't see the point. 

 

Yeah I know what the scriptures say, 

and I can talk to God in my head all the live long day, 

but actually kneeling and taking a few minutes to 

commune with my Father in Heaven? 

 

Every day? 

 

Well in my experience, if you don't do it every day it's 

definitely harder to ask for His help when you need it. 

Instead I turn to other sources, like my social media and tv addiction. 

Not the worst, but definitely less healthy than prayer. 

It doesn't fill my life with joy, if anything it sucks the joy away. 

Anyways, here was a miracle coming from the mouth of babes. 

 

I started to pray that I would have faith in prayer. 

 

I want to have faith, I want to pray, but it's so hard for me and then 

I just want to give up, throw my hands in the air and say 

it doesn't work. 

 

So here I am in the second week, and my consistent prayers 

have brought the spirit into my life, heart and home. 

I even have the desire to read my scriptures, 

which is another thing I've always struggled with. 

Day 11-13 was rough, I wasn't feeling well, 

and I just kept thinking "consistent consistent consistent"...

I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to learn. 

To learn about myself and how my brain works. 

This self awareness is really helping me to be the person I want to be. 

This time instead of doing it all at once, I'm going to take it one step at a time. 

I'm going to make one habit, and then another, and then another. 

 

I'm not going to beat myself up when I fail, 

because failure is just part of the learning curve. 

Some days I miss some things, other days I'll miss other things. 

That's life. 

 

 

So if you're anything like me, I hope that you'll try one thing...just one. 

And if you don't feel like you can do one more thing right now, 

if you can, just drop it. 

 

Drop it all, and then start over. 

Pick up the things that are good for you,

 that you have to do and you know you can handle, 

and then slowly but surely pick up the rest. 

 

I'm sure you'll find you were holding things 

you didn't need or were unhealthy for you. 

I also strongly suggest trying to make a habit instead of just a goal.

 It should be SMART and research shows if you do something for 30 days 

your brain does it so much easier. It's a foundation you can build on.

 

 

I also suggest prayer. 

If you don't believe in God, then I definitely suggest meditation. 

It helps you understand yourself, it helps you commune, 

and it brings a power and peace into your life that nothing else can. 

I feel like prayer has been like turning on the wifi. 

Just by praying I've felt a connection, 

and everyday you have to wake up and turn it on again. 

 

Who doesn't want to be connected to wifi?

There's a difference between feeling down every once in awhile, 

and then feeling down all the time because you think you're a failure. 

 

Please, don't think that. 

I beg you, learn to have a good relationship with failure, 

learn how to change yourself for the better, 

and change your life one thing at a time.

 

And I will do the same.

 

I have a funny feeling I'll have to keep learning this over and over again.

That doesn't sound like such a bad thing.

 

 

Calm Voice & Fair Dinkum

Happy New Year!

I hope that you have all been having a wonderful time getting over the holidays and trying to set goals and habits and rituals, instead of just resolutions that we'll give up on by March (if not February).

Robbie and I made it to the second tool in the tool box:

The Calm Voice

And boy did I need that lesson at that time.

I think that day was one of the worst yelling days of my life.

Riley was doing what daughters do best, 

make it possible for Nana's to say "that's exactly how you behaved".

It was not pretty.

I don't know how many times I've taught her how to fold her clothes, and I'd had it. I wasn't going to tell her again how to do it, she needed to remember. I was beyond done. I should have just walked away and thrown all her clothes in a garbage bag until she decided she was ready...but I couldn't let it go. 

I yelled. So bad. 

I hated myself for it. 

And then that night we had the lesson on The Calm Voice.

So on top of 1 on 1 time, we've been trying really hard not to yell. 

And like 1 on 1 time, some days we are more successful than others.

Amy really wanted us to understand what it felt like to be yelled at, so she made us imagine we were small like our children. How would you feel if an all knowing and capable giant was making you feel like crap? You'd feel pretty crummy, and not want to listen to said giant. Hence the power struggles. 

Some days are better than others.

For example, today has been a pretty darn good day. I was able to get my butt out of bed (which I know for many of you may not be such an amazing feat of strength, but it is for me) and help my kids get out the door on time. I got home and was able to finish the chore I wanted to do before volunteering in Jacob's class. I had 15 minutes to spare, so I decided to take some time to meditate. I read the talk True Disciples of the Savior, and I came across something that really helped me.

"Giving our all doesn’t mean that we will be continually enveloped in blessings or always have success. But it does mean that we will have joy. Joy is not fleeting pleasure or even temporary happiness. Joy is enduring and is founded on our efforts being accepted by the Lord."

He talked about fair dinkum, which is slang for genuine, and being fully committed. Doing your best gives you the most joy.

How can I do my best when I'm not doing my best? 

How can I have success when I feel like I'm failing at everything?

What if I'm having a bad day with my depression? What if my anxiety is making my whole life go on the fritz? What if I mess up and I yell, or can not do one on one time because it feels like it just may literally kill me?

My friend told me what her therapist said. You're not always going to be at 100%. Sometimes you're going to be at 90%, or 75%, and on really bad days you'll be under 50%. But you can give 100% of whatever percentage you're at. You have to be self aware, to know your limits, to mess up and to keep trying.

If you can do your best, the best with what you have for that day, 

then that is good enough for God...

and it should be good enough for you.

So if you have already messed up on your resolutions,

try to change them into goals, or habits, or rituals.

And try again.

Be happy with your efforts. No one is at 100% all the time, so figure out where you're at each day (and maybe it'll change throughout the day) 

 and adjust your expectations for yourself. 

And your 100% is not someone else's 100%. 

Don't compare, just do YOUR best, not their best. 

And just keep going in the right direction, we'll get there eventually.

And isn't that the point?

I came home from volunteering and did what I've wanted to do for weeks, 

share and write down my thoughts. 

Now that I've done that, the rest of the day is ahead of us.

And it's going to be wonderful,

no matter what happens.

1 on 1

It's here.

It's finally here.

The blog about One on One Time.

Yay!

So when school started at the end of August I started trying to do our 

Mind, Body and Soul time again. I was really positive about it for the 

first three days...and then not so much after that. 

As it seems to always happen, I got sick.

So we stopped doing anything except surviving.

Then we tried again. 

There were lots of tears, and fighting, and whining...

And we stopped...again.

I procrastinated on Chasing Shelby and all of a sudden it was less than a month away and I had a lot of work to do, so I decided that I needed that 30 minutes to work on the foundation. The car show was amazing! So all my hard work was worth it. We were able to donate $5,000 to Valley Children's!

...

 Now we're trying a third time.

Well, the third time of the third time. 

That's double lucky, right?

I've been really good about doing the twins time after lunch. 

One goes and does whatever they want to do (I try to set them up for success), screen time, puzzles, play, literally almost anything, while the other does their One on One Time. And for the past week we haven't really had any problems with interrupting, which is like crazy amazing.

Jacob gets his time after he gets home from school. Sometimes though we have to do something right after school, like a play date, an errand, or a piano lesson. When that happens I let him know that we'll reschedule his time for after. This last Thursday and Friday I did not get to Jacob...it was a rough couple of days. But I followed through and made up for it on Saturday. 20 whole minutes of hide and go seek. We banned hide and go seek after a couple of attempts because when they couldn't find me they would cry...and I just can't handle that. But he said he could play and not cry, and that if he couldn't find me he would keep looking...and he did! He even hid super quiet, instead of the usual. For the longest time we would try and play and all three kids would hide while I was counting, and as soon as I said "Ready or not, here I come" they would come running out to tag me....I think it's safe to say they didn't quite understand the game. So I was thoroughly pleased that we could play while Riley had some screen time and Chase was at a birthday party with his dad. 

It was nice.

Some days are harder than others to fulfill this duty.

Today I got really tired after lunch, and we had a meeting at 2,

so I asked the twins if we could nap and then do our One on One Time after the meeting. They agreed, and promptly fell asleep.

Can I just tell you how glad I am that they are taking naps again?

We got home from the meeting with exactly 20 minutes before we had to get Jacob. I wasn't watching the clock, I just set my alarm on my phone. Well I had forgotten that my alarm was set to silent because of the meeting....20 minutes later it's time to go and Chase didn't get his time (we just didn't mention that Riley got double the time on accident...). He handled it really well, I apologized and kept my word and did it right when we got home. 

It's definitely harder to do two with three kids in the house...

it was a little rough.

But we made it through!

Amy says that this is 

THE MOST IMPORTANT TOOL IN THE TOOL BOX.

Well, here goes nothing.

I can't say that I've seen remarkable improvements in their behavior, but I have seen a change in mine. I've gone from dreading spending 10 minutes PLAYING with each of my three children, to looking forward to it (most days anyways). 

It's not easy, but I think it's worth it.

I also think that we haven't seen these over night changes that some people experience because, like I said, this is the third try of the third time...

But my kids see that I'm trying and that I love to spend time with them. 

And that is making a difference. 

So if you're looking for something to do, I strongly suggest trying Mind, Body and Soul time. Spend 10 minutes with just the two of you, doing whatever they want to do, being completely present physically and emotionally. 

It's not the easiest thing in the world, 

but is anything worth it ever easy?

...

Review of Session 1: We all need to feel emotionally connected, and have independent power and be self-sufficient, kids included. Behavior is not random! They misbehave for a reason. And our behavior can be just as much of a problem as theirs.

And now, on to Session 2. 

Wish us luck.

 We had a lot of fun at the fair. Jacob is really into this mean face right now.

It's tradition.

Halloween was an absolute blast. We are Ninjago! 

They are also very much into making forts lately. They make them out of everything and anything, often leaving a mess in their wake. Robbie made them a giant one that didn't fall down every time you looked at it wrong. They tried to sleep in it over the weekend. They gave up and went to bed...my kind of kids. Who wants to sleep on the floor when you have a comfy bed? Psh.

 

They had a disney dress up day....

I dressed them up on the wrong day.

Yep...that was...not fun.