Life has been going swell.
As
many of you who have been reading know, I've been suffering from
depression for a couple years now. I want to write a post on it, but not
today. Last October through December were some of the hardest months of
my life, and I was so depressed that I could hardly even fake a smile,
let alone feel happy, even though there was plenty to be happy about.
So here comes January! New year, new life...or so I was thinking.
I could feel the waves of depression ebbing away,
I was ready to start living life to its fullest.
But then we got sick.
And stayed sick for weeks.
Not one week, not two weeks, like three weeks....
Here I was, ready to finally get out of the bed that seemed to confine me
while I was depressed, ready to run and play and get things done!
And I couldn't get out of bed because my body was so sick.
It was very disheartening.
But
I rested. I didn't beat myself up about the dirty house, or that the
kids were watching so much TV while I laid down day after day after day.
I didn't guilt myself that I had McDonald's at least once, if not twice
a week. I rested, both my body and my spirit, knowing that this would
pass and it wouldn't be like this forever.
And it passed!
Not slowly and surely, like one day I was so tired and still sick,
and the next I was cured.
And I started living life.
I was go go go go go...
I
was on top of my game, getting things done on top of the normal every
day taking care of the kids and the home. The dishes were done every
day, I was putting things away after I took them out and was done with
them, I was playing with the kids and letting them do things I haven't
in a long time like play dough and puzzles (lets be honest, shall we?
When you're depressed, you can't clean up one more mess, and trying to
scrape play dough off of your floor and find puzzle pieces that have
gone all over the house no matter how you watch or help them, you just
can't do it...) I was even taking the time to teach them to clean up
their messes that they made, which we all know takes three times as long
and is a lot more of a headache than just doing it yourself. I had
successful piano lessons, I was a good mom, we saw friends and had play
dates, I had dinner on the table every day even if it was just eggs and
toast, etc etc...
And on top of the normal everyday awesomeness,
I was doing at least one or more extra things that
needed to be done that had piled up after
months and months and months of not being on my game.
Like organizing every little thing.
I
didn't need a nap all week, for the first time since October last year.
It felt so good to have energy, to feel alive and excited about my work
and my day, to wake up and smile because I am so happy instead of
crying because I didn't want to do anything.
But most importantly, I was taking the time to love and live life.
I've
been making the time when something unexpected happens to stop,
re-calibrate, make a new plan with my priorities first in line, and then
starting again with the new plan.
I saw this and it changed my life.
It is very easy to go go go.
To get so caught up in all that "has" to get done.
But a lot of what has to be done is not as important
as the people in your life that need to be loved.
Instead
of being upset that my plan for the day got interrupted, no matter what
it was, I choose to slow down and be patient and loving. I quickly
changed my plans to best fit everyone, including myself, so that I
wasn't just cleaning my house. We played, we explored, we did things
together, and we had fun getting things done.
I had a few experiences with Jacob that I wanted to share that really opened my eyes about how I can be a better mom.
Jacob
was really upset about something at school. He gets so fixated on
something, and it completely destroys him and no matter what you say to
him he can't be reasoned with or shaken out of it.
In the past I've gotten angry, frustrated, and confused.
For goodness sake, what is his problem?!
And
one of these times I was so lost and had no idea what to do, that I
just bowed my head and silently asked God what I was doing wrong?
The
spirit spoke so strongly to me, and told me that he is just like me,
and just like every other human being. Sometimes we're just going to be
sad, and angry, and there's nothing you can say or do to make it better.
Nothing. Except love them.
I thought about how I handle my emotions, and how sometimes you're just sad or mad, and you just need to ride it out.
A hug, a kiss, a good cry, a piece of chocolate, and time are all you need.
How can I expect my four year old to master his emotions more than I can?
I was expecting him to do something that was impossible.
I
had a really good chance to practice this new found knowledge and view
point the other day, and I'm sure I'll have plenty more chances in the
years to come. Jacob was upset because someone had broken his toy. He
was crying uncontrollable, and I immediately got frustrated and wanted
him to keep his wailing to himself to save my ears. But then I stopped,
and I put myself in his shoes. If someone had broken something really
special to me, had done it maliciously and hadn't been sorry about it,
and didn't offer to replace it...
I'd be crying uncontrollably too.
So
we got home and we just cried together. He was so shocked that I was
sad for him instead of mad at him for having feelings, that he was
actually able to talk to me about it. I tried to explain that we can't
always get what we want, and sometimes people are going to be mean and
we just need to distance ourselves from them and still try to love them
without putting ourselves in harms way.
One thing that I've been learning in therapy is that feelings are natural,
and you should not be punished for having feelings.
We
should not be teaching our children (or ourselves) to repress our
feelings, but to acknowledge them, process them, and act on them
appropriately.
I
have been greatly blessed these past few weeks with the gift of seeing
how my children are just little people, learning and growing just like
me.
"I am eternally grateful that the Lord rescued me
from my unkind
feelings by sending the Holy Ghost
to let me see a child of God as He
saw him."
This week I'm still going to go go go,
but always I'll try to remember what is most important.
Life is too short to waste time doing unimportant things.
