First she seduced French officers into divulging military secrets that she passed along to the Germans. Then she cajoled the Germans into giving her information coveted by the French.
But the trouble with illusion,
as the famous femme fatale discovered to her regret,
is that you can't keep it up forever.
Eventually it all goes up in a puff of smoke,
and you might not be left standing when the smoke clears.
Illusions are the conscious mind's double agents.
The ego doesn't like to think that anybody
- especially the authentic self -
can do it better than she can.
So she seduces the rational mind into believing those things
that help us make it through the day
- that this time he'll stop drinking,
that the kid's just going through a phase,
that the argument's over money and not power,
that the unworkable will work, if you just try a little harder.
Now, maybe all of this is true.
But if it's not, you're setting yourself up for the double-cross.
When the subterfuge succeeds,
the master illusion - the mind's Mata Hari -
moves in for the kill, convincing you that life can be manipulated.
Life can't.
But we can.
A few weeks go smoothly, at home and work,
and suddenly we secretly succumb to the lure of thinking
we can control relationships or the course of events.
We line everything up in perfect order so that,
through sheer force of will,
we'll be at the right place at the right time.
But when we become addicted to thinking we can control
another person's behavior or a particular outcome,
we're as vulnerable as a crack addict
who thinks this hit will be her last.
High on determination, we assume we can
handle the day, the deal, the deadline, the divorce, the disease,
"Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life."
And while we might walk away from the wreck,
we're often more upset by the loss of the illusion
than by the reality of the rubble...
You can never lose something if you never had it to begin with.
You were never in control and never will be.
Let go of that illusion so that you can cut your losses and move on.
Acceptance of the inevitable
- as difficult and painful [as] it might be today -
is the first step toward an authentic trade-off.
"We trade a life that we have tried to control,"
Melody Beattie reassures us,
"and we receive in return something better -
a life that is manageable."
End Quote
I love this.
This has totally changed my life.
Accepting that you can't control anyone and anything but yourself,
and sometimes not even that, is so helpful.
Every day, every situation, is more manageable
because I know that if I do my best it's good enough.
It helps me to be happy and accepting of things as they are,
but hopeful for the best.
It helps me not be angry at things or people,
to be more understanding and patient,
with others and with myself.
It's all part of being human.
We love kid movies.
Here's a good one.
***
Gratitude Journal
***
1) Dinner out with family. We have a tradition, that is partly for me and partly for the kids. Whenever we have to go to the doctors we go out to eat at Chick-fil-ah or McDonalds so the kids can play in the play place. Well we couldn't go for lunch because we were watching a friend this afternoon and Chase was ready for a nap, so we went for dinner. I'm so grateful Robbie was so flexible and helped us keep our tradition.
2) Helping and friends. Last minute we got to watch another friend tonight! And so that was a lot of fun. Lots of friends today.
3) Brushing the dog. I got off so much hair that I had enough to make a tribble! Maybe two.
4) Going to bed early. No naps two days in a row? I'm like an old lady...no offense...
5) The gospel. I've really been trying to live it these last couple days, and it has made a world of difference.
We communicate our willingness for Divine revelation with daydreams,
and our authentic self responds with a visual fax in the form of a nightscape.
Our dreams are Divine stories that reveal where we've been and why,
where we're headed, and the easiest way to get there...
Our Divine inscriptions are familiar faces, settings, objects, pursuits, dilemmas. We just need to make time to translate them.
Dreams are also problem solvers. When we are perplexed about a course of action or need creative direction, we can seek Divine assistance through our dreams...Beethoven and Brahms would jump out of bed in the middle of the night to write down scores. Thoreau kept a pencil and piece of paper under his pillow...
The most informative dreams usually occur when we've gotten a good night's sleep and didn't go to bed exhausted or intoxicated.
If you can't pick up a pen the moment you get out of bed because you have children, lie quietly before getting up, and run the dream consciously through your mind several times so that you can remember the gist of it.
If you do find time to write it down sometime during the morning, you'll be surprised that your pen will reveal details you didn't even remember.
After a few hours of consciousness, however, even vivid nightscapes tend to fade back into the deep...
End Quote
I have been most unfortunate,
I don't remember anything other than nightmares.
The other night I dreamed that no one came to my recital,
and none of my students performed.
And that instead of in three weeks it was today, and I still hadn't practiced, so I sat up there on the piano and froze.
Before that I dreamed that we had a fourth baby,
but I had a heart attack when I was 6 months pregnant
and they had to deliver him to save us both.
I ended up in a coma for 10 months.
I woke up in bed, with the everything seeming normal
until Robbie said "okay, time to go get the baby."
I was like, what baby?
Whelp, I had missed the first 10 months of my baby's life.
And we were still at our old house, and everything was different.
I had a break down.
And then I woke up crying, shaking Robbie awake,
telling him we could never have another baby because
I don't want to have a heart attack or be in a coma.
I have a hard time going to sleep sometimes,
because I really hate nightmares.
But I hope, that as I continue to find my authentic self,
that I may actually have dreams instead of nightmares.
Dreams sound nice.
***
Gratitude Journal
***
1) Wednesday! How is it already Wednesday? The week is going by so fast. I'm grateful that I haven't crashed yet. I'm trying so hard to be good and take care of myself.
2) The piano. I'm grateful my mom made me take lessons and practice, I'm grateful that I found a piano at a thrift store for like $100, and I'm grateful for my talents. I sight read a song yesterday and it was terrible...and then I played it again today and it was much better. In three weeks, I can do this.
3) When Michael Scott burns you. Wallace "I'll fax it over." Scott "Why don't you send over on a dinosaur?" Wallace "This is serious Michael." Scott "Then just email it David." .......... OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! Is anyone else dying over how funny this is?
4) Nachos.
5) New recipe. I made salmon wrapped in bacon, with cranberry apricot chutney. SO GOOD! Yesterday the kids ate the lasagna. Tonight, the kids were begging for more salmon. What the heck is going on?
It's taken me three decades to unlearn the impulse to be practical.
Just imagine what you might have accomplished if only you'd been
encouraged to honor your creative reveries as spiritual gifts.
Daydreams are the fertile soil in which our imaginations
flourish and reach for the Light.
Daydreams incubate creativity and make possible
reveries, visualization, and maybe even visions.
A lot of people think that daydreams are fantasies,
but fantasies possess a sense of improbability and often danger.
Fantasies are perfectly healthy...and they're very therapeutic.
Fantasies allow our shadows to act out our unacceptable tendencies in the safety of a protective inner hologram...
We must enter a daydream - willingly suspend conscious thought of reality with our eyes open - before we can experience the joy of reverie...Reveries seem to be experienced through a scrim, a gauzy curtain, just beyond the other side of consciousness. Reveries are always pleasurable but take time. I need at least fifteen minutes of active daydreaming before I can enter the reverie zone. You'll know you've experienced one if you feel as if you've been pulled back into your body when you're snapped out of it.
Visualizations are daydreaming's virtual reality:
a deliberate, positive scene-setting of what you'd like to see happen in your future. When we visualize, we make the interior scene as realistic and detailed as possible, coloring the scene with the senses until what we are viewing is so realistic it triggers an emotional response...Since the subconscious mind cannot distinguish between reality and virtual reality, deliberate visualization over a period of time usually results in the desired end. The subconscious mind is the soul's servant; it willingly sets in motion whatever behavior and circumstances are necessary to manifest physically the desired program. The pulse of the subconscious is belief. If you truly believe it, you'll eventually see it in your life...
I believe with all my heart that today's woman can and must find this sacred intersection in her daily round. We've been given the spiritual tools of prayer, meditation, solitude, gratitude, simplicity, order, harmony, beauty, joy and daydreams.
I'll admit, right now naps are more sleep for me then they are anything else. I literally pass out because I can't stay awake anymore.
But either way, naps are still wonderful.
***
Gratitude Journal
***
1) I had forgotten, yesterday on our way home we almost hit a deer. Well, we did hit it, but we didn't go off the road, and it didn't go over the car or anything. It was just waltzing into the road. I was so grateful that Robbie didn't swerve us off the road. And the car was unharmed. I'm so sad we probably killed a deer though...
2) Getting plenty of rest today.
3) Finally going on a walk with my friend after like 2 weeks!
4) Freezer meals! I'm so grateful that I didn't have to make dinner.
I also agree with the phrase, because if you let them the trials of your life will make you a better person, therefore, stronger.
Start Quote
Some nights waves of weariness beat against our brains,
crash against our hearts, wash over our bodies,
threatening to erode our best defenses
like sand dunes upon the shore.
The water is cold, dark, and deep.
Diversions that have worked in the past
- drink, drugs, food, sex, shopping, work -
now obscure a dangerous undertow.
Nothing seems to hold back the tide.
We need someone to throw us a line,
to rescue us from drowning in disappointment.
When these nights come and I find I'm stranded alone on the beach of faltering belief, I have found refuge in a very centering and comforting prayer by Dame Julian of Norwich, a thirteenth-century English mystic:
This simple affirmation of faith is especially comforting because it seems to console the dark submerged sadness of the inexplicable, the unexpressed, the unresolved, the unfair and the undeniable that stalk my soul after I close my eyes.
I'll say the prayer over and over again softly, under my breath like a mantra, not trying to understand the meaning of the words because I can't.
soothe my frazzled mind and harried heart until sleep comes.
Sometimes we can't make sense of it.
Sometimes none of it makes sense.
Sometimes it just is.
But if we can hold on long enough for this night to give way to another day, all shall be well, even if it's different from what we had expected. Even if it's different from what we had hoped for and believed with all our hearts would happen.
End Quote
Everything is going to be okay, no matter what,
even if it doesn't feel like it.
Let it make you a better person,
let it make you stronger
(even if that seems completely impossible or even improbable).
Because if it doesn't kill you...
***
Gratitude Journal
***
1) Coming home.
2) Stuffed animals. They can bring such comfort. Poor Chase was a wreck, we assume because he was tired, and so we left for home. He refused to let go of his stuffed kitty, so my mom let him keep it...as long as he doesn't lose it. I'm not sure if we can do that, because he lost his bear that had been handed down that was Robbie's. I keep thinking I'll find it, to no avail. Hopefully we don't lose kitty.
3) Good music.
4) I learned so much going to church today.
5) The Spirit of God burning in my heart, testifying of the truthfulness of the gospel.
Now that Jacob is in school I've had to keep him home two or three times, once for GI issues, and once for hand foot and mouth...maybe a third time that I've forgotten. Each time you get the same weird vibe from school, that either way you can't win. They don't want you to come because they don't want anyone else to get sick, but it's the end of the world and you're ruining their education because they stayed home for a week (I'm sorry that a virus lasts anywhere from 7-10 days?). Now I'm not saying the teachers were mean, it's just a vibe that you get. I don't think they give it intentionally. Maybe it's all in my head.
This last week or two Robbie has been really ill. Some of it was stress, and some of it was the awful cold that all of us caught. We all stayed home from church on Sunday, because we all had the mucus, the nasty cough, and needed sleep...lots of sleep. It's easy enough to keep kids home from church, it's not like they have any responsibilities they're missing. But I had to find a sub for my calling. I called four people and got their voicemails, and left a message, and left it at that. I hoped and prayed that one of them would get the message, be in town, be at church, and able to play the piano for me, and I didn't worry about it. I got a text after church, one of those wonderful ladies told me she played for me today and would next week too. No reason to worry. Even if it may seem like the end of the world, they can always sing a Capella, which no one seems to think is an option except for me?
Anyways, I wanted Robbie to stay home on Monday. I knew he wasn't better, and he knew he wasn't better, but he was determined to push through it. He came home around 3 and went straight to bed. He pushed through Tuesday too, and even went and did home teaching, willing himself to be better. But that's not how sickness works unfortunately. Wednesday it just hit the fan, and I didn't have to push very hard for him to stay home and in bed. I knew he felt worse on Wednesday because he hadn't taken Monday and Tuesday to really nip it in the butt.
As a mom, it's really hard to be sick. Everything still needs to be done, whether you feel like you're dying or not. But I've gotten really good at sleeping when I can, and just ignoring the mess and the dirt and doing the best I can. I know now that if you push through it, it's just going to get worse. Take care of yourself so you can get healthy, and then go back to work.
Why have a sickness last longer than it needs to?
If you take care of yourself it goes away faster.
Pain we obey. So obey it.
Start Quote
"You feel like you're dying, you look like you're dying, and you sound like you're dying," my doctor said while studying my lab slips and X-ray. "Thankfully, you're not. You've got a relapse of the flu, infected sinuses, and now pleurisy. I want you to take an antibiotic and go back to bed where you belong until you're well enough to be up, which could be another week to ten days."
When I feebly protested that I'd already been sick with the flu for three weeks and that I was far behind in my work, my doctor nodded sympathetically.
"Well, go home then, take your medicine, put on your pajamas," she advised, "and write a meditation about how important it is to take care of yourself when you're sick. But I will be very angry if the next time we meet it's in the hospital."
I did as I was told.
Sort of.
I send this dispatch from underneath the covers.
Most women don't go to bed when they're sick because they can't.
The children still need to be taken care of,
the work still has to get done,
the meals still have to be made,
life marches on.
So you stagger around like Typhoid Mary until you drop.
One morning you just can't move and with good reason.
You're sick.
For a day or two - at the most - you allow yourself a reprieve. Your mate and/or the children of the household solicitously inquire if there's anything you need, then quietly close the bedroom door so you can rest. Frequently, they'll poke their heads in to check on you because the sight of mother prone on the bed for more than two hours registers a 6.5 on their personal Richter scales.
"Feeling better yet?" you're asked cheerfully.
Eventually, after this question has been posed enough times,
you say you do, even if you don't.
You get out of bed, get dressed, and get ready once again
to swallow swords while juggling flaming torches.
The show must go on.
But sometimes we can't get up.
Sometimes we're so run-down that we can't shake the flu standing up,
or our bad cold becomes bronchitis or we break a bone, slip a disc.
Sometimes the unthinkable confronts us:
a lump in the breast, a high white-cell blood count,
a whack on the head, chest pains that stun us into submission.
We're not asked politely if we'd like to
pause on the path for a refreshing respite.
We're abruptly ordered to a halt.
The deeply spiritual Southern writer Flannery O'Connor came to believe,
"In a sense sickness is a place more instructive than a long trip to Europe, and it's always a place where there's no company, where nobody can follow."
The next time you're sick,
stop feeling guilty about it.
And quit operating under
the deranged and dangerous delusion
that it's all under your control.
Instead of setting yourself up for a fall,
give yourself permission to drop out for as long as you really need to
in order to (1) get well and (2) gently explore this strange but temporary detour.
Be as open to new insights as an inquisitive tourist would be.
If I'd never sustained a head injury ten years ago, I don't think I would have started my own business, written a syndicated newspaper column, or eventually published three books. My nearly two years' arbitrary sabbatical provided me with the opportunity to strike out on a new path after I recovered.
Every illness, from a cold to cancer,
has a life-affirming lesson for us if we're willing to be taught.
It can be simple or profound.
Learning to take better care of ourselves in the future
in order to stay healthy.
Bringing more harmony into our daily affairs.
Balancing our need for rest and recreation
with the demands of responsibility.
Appreciating the subtle nuances of
the dark days as well as the light-filled ones.
Seeking Wholeness as well as healing.
Searching not just for a possible cure, but for the probably cause.
Flannery O'Connor searched for the positive aspects of her illness
until she viewed her tutorial with lupus as "one of God's mercies."
We may never become that enlightened.
But the next time you're not feeling well,
PLEASE cradle yourself gently with kindness and compassion.
you'll be better for it.
End Quote
Now this is not a pass to just fake it and milk another day or two of laziness to get out of working if you're actually feeling better. Yes take it easy, but also don't take advantage. Don't cut yourself short either, what is that doing to your soul to be so selfish?
Over the last year I have truly been humbled by every illness I encountered.
I have been almost forced to be more compassionate to others.
I used to say, oh it's just a cold suck it up buttercup,
but now?
I literally have to ram it down sick people's throats.
"Do not be sorry for canceling or dropping the ball.
Can I watch your kids for you? Can I bring you dinner?
Can I come clean your house? Can I run an errand for you?
You rest and get better, I'm serious, I mean it.
Don't you worry about a thing other than your health."
Let's not judge others, and let's not be too hard on ourselves.
Take the time to get better, and then get back to work
1) Quad rides. My kids have so much fun with Grandpa. They went to Grandma Great's and when they got home they came running in yelling "Grandma Great gave us cookies!!!" Trying to get them to say "chocolate chip" was hilarious.
2) Mexican food. Yum. Really does anything get better than fresh chips, amazing salsa, and a diet coke with a lime wedge?
3) Reading a book, and taking a nap, all in one day. The only way it was possible is because the adults outnumber the kids, and we have worn the kids out so much that they took almost a two hour nap.
4) Beautiful mountain weather, fresh air, clear blue sky...
5) A wonderful, peaceful weekend. And it's not even over yet.
6) Nightmares aren't real. I had a terrible nightmare that felt so real, I had to give up everyone and everything I loved voluntarily, and just die without saying goodbye. I woke up sweating and crying, and I just hugged my babies and my husband. Where the crap do these things come from? I mean come on.
7) My dad. I have always loved my mom's nativity, it's an old duncan ceramic set, pearl white, very lovely. All other nativities just don't do it for me. A couple years ago my mom and I did some research into how to get one for me, and it was just too expensive. They're rare and hard to find, and not cheap. So my mom was asking about it today, and I went back to the old email chain and did some current research, and only found one set for sale, like $170 or something like that....and my dad said, "order it, I'll buy it for you. Merry Christmas." Even now, my heart is just full of gratitude. Words cannot express fully how I feel, all I can say is I'm grateful for my dad, and for what this nativity means to me, and that I'm going to get to have it in my home to help celebrate the birth of our Savior.
Some families don't even think about their health,
they have never had to because they've never been in poor health.
It was never that way for my family,
at least not after Shelby came along.
Once we found out she had Spina Bifida when she was in the womb,
we didn't know what was going to happen,
but we knew a healthy baby was the one thing
that was not going to happen.
They told us to abort, they told us she wouldn't live long and if she did she would be a vegetable...When she was born my dad and Dr Jones gave her a name and a blessing, not knowing if she was going to make it out of surgery.
Shelby was always a miracle baby.
Defying the doctors expectations.
Good health to our family were surgeries, hospital visits,
catheters, daily medication, therapy, braces...
Good health meant something very different to us.
So if you have good health, and all your babies are healthy,
you have so much to be grateful for.
And if you're like we were, you still have so much to be grateful for.
Start Quote
At this time of year our conscious attention often turns to
what we DON'T HAVE rather than WHAT WE DO
- and for a very good reason.
The season of nonstop shopping has arrived.
With Thanksgiving only just behind us, the race to get ready for the next round of holidays begins. No sooner have we celebrated the season of plenty than, with the advent of the first official days of Christmas shopping, we enter four frenetic weeks of looking finding, buying and ordering
- but not for ourselves.
We feel overwhelmed by a season of lack.
So before we head to the mall, it would do our souls good to have a reality check, in the form, not only of counting our blessings, but of focusing on them.
Money is going to have to buy a lot in the next few weeks,
but it can't buy the gifts that count most:
good health, a loving and supportive marriage, healthy children,
the fulfillment of creative expression, and inner peace.
We forget this, not because we're ungrateful louts,
but because we get distracted with the razzamatazz of real life.
Now is the time to remember...
The blessing we'll meditate on today is health.
We can't buy good health, no matter how much money we have.
We can purchase the best medical treatment available in the world,
but good health is not for sale.
Health is a priceless gift from Spirit
that most of us take for granted until we become sick.
"One of the most sublime experiences we can ever have is to wake up feeling healthy after we have been sick," Rabbi Harold Kushner reminds us in Who Needs God. "Even if it is only relief from a headache or toothache, the health we take for granted most of the time is suddenly seen to be an incredible blessing."
Today, realize if you have nothing else but your health, you are a wealthy woman. If you have a healthy mind, a healthy heart, and reserves of stamina and creative energy to draw on, the world is literally lying at your feet.
With your health you have everything.
But health is not just the absence of sickness.
Good health is vitality, vigor, high energy, emotional equilibrium,
mental clarity, and physical endurance.
These are the gifts to pray for...
Ask and you shall receive...
Ask and be specific.
Today, why not ask for the creative and physical energy you'll need, not just to survive the holiday season, but to enjoy it?
End Quote
If you are in poor health, whether acute or chronic,
I assure you it can be worse.
But at the same time, it can't.
It'll only be worse if you make it so.
I have a firm belief that this life is not the end,
that this life is just part of the journey.
This life is a test, and what you make of it counts.
We all will face trials of some kind of health setbacks,
some just more than others.
And they all suck. A lot.
Being sick is no fun.
But if you get better, or you learn to live with it,
and can be happy and grateful,
well then you have all the more reason to be grateful.
And if you die, then there is no more suffering, no more pain...
you just get to take the next step of the journey.
Poor health isn't the end of the world,
it's only the worst thing ever if you make it so.
Good health on the other hand,
we should never take for granted.
It is a miraculous gift to breath everyday.
To touch, to see, to feel...
To live.
***
Gratitude Journal
***
1) My good health. Even though I live with depression, it's something that I'm learning to live with. Some days it really sucks, but the sucky days make the good days all the more bright and wonderful. I am so grateful for this wonderful body God has given me, pain, trials and all.
2) Shelby. I'm so grateful that she was who she was. I grew to love physical therapy because of her. I learned to be caring as I helped care for her. I learned that everyone's version of normal is different, there is no one standard normal. Good health is what you make it. Shelby taught me that.
3) My faith and testimony. I can't even imagine how dark this world must appear to those who believe this is the end. If you get sick, and you die, and that's it. I'm so grateful for my eternal perspective, it helps me assess and endure trails so much easier than when I lose sight of it.
4) Black Friday shopping. Robbie and I went around 8 in the morning, we always go looking for a few little things. We scored on movies big time, as always. The only movie that we didn't get was Trolls, which was very sad, but considering we got like 20 movies for anywhere from $2-4 a piece, I'd say the one we didn't is pretty minimal.
As the table is set, my heart gratefully remembers the legacy of love and tradition represented in the talismans of freshly laundered linens, sparkling crystal, and gleaming china. The silver shines, the candles glow, the flowers delight us with their beauty.
This is good.
This is very good.
Let us hold fast to this authentic moment of Simple Abundance.
Let us cherish this feeling of complete contentment.
Let us rejoice and praise the Giver of all good....
Hello! Thanks for dropping by. I am constantly trying to learn and share about my life, I hope you enjoy my writing. We are a family of five, Robbie and I and our three babies. We were married in the Fresno LDS Temple on March 27th 2010, and 3 years later we had Jacob and 15 months after that we had our twins Riley and Chase. I have a BS in Kinesiology from Fresno State, and have been a stay at home mom and a piano teacher out of my home ever since I graduated college.
