July 21st - Solitude

Friday, July 21, 2017

The last time we talked about solitude was on January 26th.  

"If women were convinced
that a day off or an hour of solitude
was a reasonable ambition,
they would find a way of attaining it. 

As it is,
they feel so unjustified in their demand
that they rarely make the attempt."

I love this quote. 
It's true, when we set our minds to something,
for better or worse, one way or another,
we usually do it. 

This makes me think of Gordon B. Hinckley.


Start Quote
I am convinced
that when the end of the world comes
it will arrive not as two clashing armies on the brink
but as a "last straw"...

I believe that it's essential for busy women, 
by which I mean all of us,
to pause a moment
-this moment-
to reconsider the entire subject of solitude.

Too many of us approach time alone 
as if it were a frivolous, expendable luxury 
rather than a creative necessity...
End Quote

"Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone.

The artist knows he must be alone to create;
the writer, to work out his thoughts;
the musician to compose;
the saint, to pray.

But women need solitude in order to find again 
the true essence of themselves.

The problem is not entirely in finding the room of one's own, 
the time alone, difficult and necessary as this is.

The problem is more how to still the soul 
in the midst of its activities.

In fact the problem is how to feed the soul."
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

How does she know?

Why is it that every day she writes about what I need to hear?

I had a really bad morning. 

It was one of those days, 
where I was one of those moms,
that everyone stares at because she can't control her children. 
Everyone stares and you can just feel their eyes piercing the back of your head, you can practically hear their thoughts saying "she is a terrible mother". 

We were stuck at the house for three days in a row 
because the van was at the mechanic.
So we were all suffering a little from cabin fever. 

But also, suffering from being with each other too much.

I am mom to three littles, 
an almost 4 year old and two almost 3 year olds...
I have to lock the bathroom door if I want to have some privacy, 
and even then they are at the door yanking on the handle 
"Mom! Mom! Mom! What are you doing mom? Mom!"

I can't do anything by myself. 
This job is 24/7. 

And today it about killed me. 

I tried to do something fun, 
I took them to the library.
Get them out of the house, go see the reptile show...
and they were just squirmy worms. 

All over me. 
Refusing to sit down and watch the show. 

So 40 minutes in, we left. 

Jacob runs out the front door while I'm trying to get the twins shoes on. 

I am embarrassed beyond belief. 
I'm frustrated, and mad...

So then we went to the thrift store. 
Not the smartest move in the world, 
but I wanted to drown my sorrows with a little retail therapy.

Never again will I take the kids on a personal shopping trip. 

30 minutes and $30 later we had a few dresses and pair of shoes and a necklace for myself, and a few more pieces to our halloween costumes. I have a diaper bag over my shoulder, a bag of thrift store treasures, I'm trying to get the cart into the carrel, and then Chase decides to help. 

This was the last straw. 

He starts crying. 

He's "pinched" his fingers. 

I told him to leave the cart. 
I told him three times.
I told him to leave it and come hold my hand. 

Well he didn't. 

And then he's just standing there, crying,
with his fingers "pinched". 

They weren't pinched. 

But apparently it didn't look that way to a couple of women 
who yelled at me from across the store 
"His fingers are pinched!"

I know what pinched finger looks like. 

I drop the two hard earned little hands to help him, 
and his fingers slide right out. 

Not pinched.
He's still crying. 

Well then I had to get all three of their hands...
And then I'm trying to get out the door, and Jacob hits Chase for crying. 
And the women yell again "Don't hit him!"
No shit Sherlock.

I'm all for helping. I believe it takes a village.
But I do not believe that just yelling at me and my kid, 
no matter how well intentioned,
is helpful.

What would have been helpful? 
Come over and offer to take a child's hand while we get to our car, 
or take a bag or two, 
or get the door as I struggled to push it open with my foot 
while dragging three children and myself through it
instead of just starring at me.

I finally get in the car.
I cry all the way to the pharmacy. 
I thank God that there is a drive through.
I never understood drive through pharmacies, 
but with two sleeping 2 year olds in the back I get it now.

I transfer them. They slept from 10-12. 
They usually nap from 12-2. 

I made another dress, 
while Jacob made a creative mess in my craft room...
I was just trying to make it through the next couple of hours 
knowing it would be better when we got to Nana's house. 

And then we made it up the hill.

And the afternoon flew by because I wasn't outnumbered.

And because my kids worship the ground my mom walks on.

And then it was bed time. 

And I finally had some solitude. 

Cherish the solitude, don't fear it. 
In order for me to stay sane,
it's a priority.

When I don't make it a priority, 
days like today happen.
A day where I should have trusted my gut and just stayed home. 
A day where I was so angry and sad I couldn't stop crying.
A day where I couldn't control my temper, 
where I blew up at every little thing...
like my toddlers just being toddlers. 
A day where I physically and mentally couldn't be understanding...

A day where I needed more solitude than I was able to give myself.

I don't tell you this to gain sympathy. 
I tell you about my day in hopes that 
people can be more open about 
the bad that happens in life
 so we can realize that we're not alone. 

Everyone has days like this. 
I can't be the only mother out there that feels like 
a complete and utter failure sometimes.

But these days come to an end, 
and tomorrow will be better, 
and today will be learned from.

I cherish my alone time.
I love solitude. 
It's a necessity.

Gratitude Journal

1) Kitty cats. I took Chase outside of Grandma Great's house for a time out, and it turned into the cutest moment of my day. He's sitting on the step crying, and the cat comes up. She starts rubbing her head all over him, and he starts petting and talking to her. I wish I had my camera, because I don't want to forget that sight of that beautiful boy loving and playing with that cat.

2) Family. 

3) The mountains, and swimming pools, and leftover pizza.

4) Grandma offering you another plant, even though she knows you'll probably kill it...Her trust is astounding.

5) Mom. Nothing makes you feel better than mom.